PD’s Picks & Pans: Week 7 for the Florida Gators vs.LSU

Well this is Florida Gators -LSU week, and you know what that means!

Huh. Didn’t realize there were so many crickets in this part of the country. Well it means it is time for our annual game week interview with Les Miles and Jim McElwain. But first, a few picks.

Nebraska Cornhuskers at Minnesota Golden Gophers (2:30 pm, ESPN2)

We should start calling the Nebraska football team, “James Bond Villain”. Because they are 2-4 this year and have lost all FOUR games on the LAST PLAY of the game. The fans are clearly rooting for Nebraska to make a stop on the last play of all these games, but the Cornhuskers always respond, “I have an even better idea. I’m going to place them in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.” The fans insist they stay and play defense for one more play, but the ‘Huskers say, “No no no, I’m going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I’m just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?” Because the only way you can lose four games out of six on the last play of the game is to literally leave the stadium before the last play starts.

What do you expect us to do, Nebraska?: 23

I expect you to LOSE, Minnesota:21 (‘Huskers lose on last-play field goal)

Missouri Tigers at Georgia Bulldogs (7:30 pm, SEC Network)

This is every Gator fan’s second-favorite game this week. Because whether Florida wins or loses, one of these two teams is going to be all but mathematically eliminated from the SEC East race when this game is done.  If Mark Richt loses his third SEC game in a row, this will be his worst year since they cancelled “Mad About You.” Georgia has given up 38 points two weeks in a row. Last week Missouri scored 3. This is as good as it gets, but something’s got to give.

See what I did there?

Show me…an offense: 38

Good Helen Hunting: 20

#8 Florida Gators at #6 LSU Tigers(7:00 pm, ESPN)

Andrew Spivey: Welcome Gator fans to the annual GatorCountry Meet the Coaches joint interview. With us today are long-time LSU coach Les Miles and first-year Florida head coach Jim McElwain. They’ve graciously agreed to grant us this opportunity, despite what happened last year. And the two years previous to that. I’ll open with the first question: Coach Miles, with three national championship rings between the two of you, would you say this is the marquee coaching matchup of any East versus West game this year?

Les Miles: Well I think if we’re going to talk about national championship rings, we should talk about the ones we have on our fingers, not the ones sitting between us. I don’t even know who those belong to. But Nick, damned if I’m not impressed with your candor!

Nick de la Torre: Coach, actually I am Nick. That’s Andrew. Focusing as you said on the rings the two of you have on your fingers, what are your initial thoughts on this matchup?

Miles: Well it’s Florida. When I wake up in the morning and I turn on film of any Florida game, it’s like reading a good book and it’s exciting. I don’t read books, but if I read books it would be like reading a book I like to read. If I read books.

PD: I don’t think anyone can argue with that. Coach McElwain, what are your high level thoughts on the game?

Jim McElwain: I think it’s gonna be cool, man. Really cool.

PD: Coach Miles, given that Florida comes into this game not only a very young, rebuilding team but also one that just lost their budding star quarterback for the year, are you worried about any letdown from your team? With Florida now a significant underdog, do you need to worry about your team Clemsoning this weekend?

Dabo Swinney: I think it’s ridiculous that you’re even asking him that question. That you even say the word. I’m serious. I’m sick of it!

Nick: Oh, Coach Swinney. We didn’t even know you were here. We didn’t mean any offense.

Swinney: How about you talk about some of these other teams that lose all the time?! That’s our 33^rd win in the last 20 games. Period! Heck we ain’t done lost to nobody since before I learnt to dance The Whip. We done been beatin’ LSU, Notre Dame, Ohio State…why don’t you talk about “Georgia-ing” or “Notre Daming” or “Tennessee-ing” or like some teams that have gone so far down the crapper you don’t even remember they were EVER good, like “Atlanta Braves-ing!”

Andrew: Coach, that was uncalled for!

Swinney: Period!

PD: Coach Mac, with as unstoppable as Leonard Fournette has been this year, what is your plan to try to contain his damage on the ground this Saturday, and will the game plan be impacted by the fact that Fournette has lost his all-important fullback for the game?

Mac: Well you know, I don’t really know what we’re going to do. I don’t know, do you know why you do everything you do? Heck they probably think they are going to run for 500 yards Saturday; we might as well not show up. We’re just going to enjoy ourselves. Enjoy the moment and see how we respond. Have some soft drinks. They have a really good soda selection. Their vendors are there, they’re real loud so that’s great. We can hear ‘em real good. Gonna be fun.

Andrew: And we don’t want to dwell on it, but we have to ask the big question: how has the team responded this week in practice with Treon Harris as the new starting quarterback.

Nick Saban: I’ll tell you how they responded, they are playing for each other and for the fans. They’re NOT playing for YOU! Because if it were up to you, they’d be six feet under already. They’re dead and buried and gone! GONE!

Andrew: Coach Saban, I didn’t see you there either. I was hoping we could get Coach Mac’s response to that question.

Saban: GONE!!!

McElwain: Well they did what we expected them to do, which is to act like Gators. I just – I just want to say though, isn’t this press room great? They really have it set up nicely. I mean, look at you media guys with your badges and lanyards and peel-and-eat shrimp and boy don’t you look sharp. I mean this is what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Nick: Turning back to your Tigers, Coach Miles, a few years ago, Florida won a close game against LSU in the Swamp where they were basically the hammer and your team was the nail. The next year you turned that around and LSU was the hammer. Do you see this game becoming that type of smash-mouth battle where the team that becomes the hammer will take the win?

Miles: Well son, I don’t know anything about hammers. You see I’m a football coach, not a damn carpenter. And I don’t mean any disrespect to the carpenters. They made some great music in their day. Monday’s get me down, too. But I do enjoy rainy days. It’s just stiff dew. But if you want to ask me something about football, I would give you an answer in the upper quadrant of speed. You know what a quadrant is? Because I’m no mathematician, either. But then that’s me; I’m deceptively honest.

PD: That is an excellent answer. Coach McElwain, do you see this developing into that sort of trench battle, and if so how does that impact your game plan given how Florida’s offensive line has struggled to find any consistency in the run game?

McElwain: Well we’ll have certain packages to try to open up the offense a little more so we won’t rely on the run game exclusively. You know, situationally, we’ll go hey diddle-diddle the dude up the middle, and we’re slinging like you didn’t care. But we’re very confident in Treon and in our offensive line. Baa, baa, black sheep, the post is usually open. We saw last week what happens when they get their bellies rubbed, and this week will be more of a foot tickle where it kind of feels good but also very uncomfortable, with maybe some Cheetos. But stale Cheetos, because there’s been a lot of adversity to overcome. But we are going to do the same things we’ve been doing all year.

Randy Edsall: That’s damn right! They’re going to do the same thing they do every week! Just like I shake my players’ hands before every game and tell them it’s been nice coaching them and I wish them luck with their new coach after they fire me in about five hours. I’ve been saying that to EVERY player on EVERY team in EVERY game I have ever coached, and if you bothered to watch the games, you’d know that.

Miles: Do you guys, like, have locks on the doors or anything?

Nick: Coach Edsall, hello…and goodbye…he’s stormed out of the room. Not sure if that smattering of applause is a dramatic slow-clap or sarcastic applause.

Andrew: We apologize for that, everyone. We don’t usually have people shouting in here. It’s not like Steven A. Smith is in the house.

Steven A. Smith: OH SO YOU DIDN’T KNOW I WAS HERE, HUH? YOU JUST CHIRPIN-CHIRPIN BEHIND MY BACK!

Andrew: Steven A. Smith…*is* in the house. I know he’s on the no-admit list…

Smith: I HAVE TOO MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT FOR YOU GUYS AT GATOR COUNTRY TO BE AN ENEMY. BUT I’M NOT HAVIN’ IT! I’M A SHORT MAN. ON TELEVISION. YELLING LIKE I AM PERMANENTLY ON FIRE AND NOBODY WILL THROW ANY WATER ON ME. You don’t wanna make an enemy outta me!

Nick: Mr Smith, you seem upset. Could we get you a beverage?

Smith: I’m not havin’ it! And I’mma look right into the camera and I’ll say it again, all sing-songy so it will feel like a threat but not get me in any legal trouble: You don’t wanna make an enemy outta me!

PD: And Mr Smi-….oh…he’s leaving too. He dropped the mic, but we did not hear the thud because the fall was only about eight inches. Well now we know why he always shouts. Because when he speaks in a normal volume, he sounds about as creepy as a candy salesman in a dirty van.

Nick: That was like Kevin Hart pretending to be Gordon Ramsay and Simon Cowell at the same time.

Andrew: Well that is all the time we have. I want to thank you both for your time and good luck in the game Saturday.

Miles: Stiff dew.

McElwain: Cool.

Now, onto the Florida-LSU pick:

“How do you make God laugh?”

“Make a plan.”

–Eric Stoltz in Kicking and Screaming (not the Will Farrell movie)

Doug Johnson plays secretly hung over, suspension to follow. Tim Tebow and many other Gator players somehow have their cell phone numbers stolen and plastered around Red Stick so that LSU fans called and harassed the Gator players on their phones all game week. Tim Tebow concussion drama and conspiracy theories about rushing him back too soon run wild. Tyler Murphy’s stellar relief play for the injured starter instantly crippled with an early-game injury. Treon Harris suspended by virtue of a police report that turned out to be completely false. Will Grier suspended for a drug test result which impetus and substance is shrouded in mystery.

Will Florida ever play a game against LSU without the starting quarterback in the center of a tornado?

It is time to see just how tough this team is. So far, the kids have passed all the tests. Sideline tirade by the head coach consumes the week-long media cycle? No problem. The entire team spends the night before the Ole Miss game in the E.R. with Ebola? Or something. No problem.

Lose their starting quarterback for the rest of the year because he drank a 5-hour energy drink?

No problem?

At least Steve Spurrier was kind enough to announce his immediate mid-season resignation virtually moments after the news broke about Will Grier’s suspension. It was the least he could do for his alma mater: lay down cover and take the media fire directly to Columbia. Then a day later news broke that a reserve Gator cornerback had committed multiple felonies and was booted form the program. Any chance Spurrier could resign again?

Well, as torn up as Gator fans were last year with the scandal that froze the Florida team for a week and prevented Treon Harris from starting or playing the LSU game, the supposedly 100% incapable fallback quarterback Jeff Driskel went out and played one of the best games of his Florida career and in fact led them to a last-minute drive that should have won the game. And would have won the game if not for a stone-handed defensive end playing tight end and of course a defense that gave up third-and-Archer Road to allow LSU to regain the late lead. So there is precedence to suggest that the backup quarterback could lead UF to victory Saturday.

Precedence like the fact that Florida has a winning record in Baton Rouge. Precedence like the fact that UF & LSU have met as top-10 opponents four other times in their history, and in those games Florida is 3-1. Precedence like the fact that LSU has not lost a night game in Tiger Stadium since 2009, but it was the Gators who beat them that night.

History aside, this game was never about the Florida quarterback, even if Will Grier would give Florida a better chance to win. It was always about whether or not the Florida defense can contain Leonard Fournette. If they can, this game is absolutely winnable. And if they can, the juice of momentum from bottling him up will no doubt spark the Gator offense a great deal while putting undue pressure on the LSU defense. This game is about the Florida defense, and the fact that LSU has no passing game and has had a hard time winning comfortably against a lot of terrible teams this year. The Gator defense has been on the road two times this year to face SEC offenses and have given up just four field goals, no touchdowns. And no losses. So there’s that.

The will is there this week (even thought the Will is not). The big question is whether the way is there. I admit I have a hard time finding a path to victory that does not require the suspension of reasonable disbelief. However at the end of the day, I still have not been sold on the one-trick LSU pony. And if there is any defense in the nation that can put a harness on that pony, it is the Gator defense.

The Forest for the Treon: 13

Leonard For-neaux-way: 10