The nightmare season is almost over Gator fans. But one last episode remains. Whether it be the final horror or a last redemptive salvage, it will bring to the Gator Nation one big sigh of relief. Regardless of what happens to the makeup of the coaches roll, it will never get this bad on the field again. It is literally impossible. Just as impossible as Florida eking out a win in their finale.
And the impossible has never happened in college football, right?
Duke at North Carolina (12:00, ESPN2)
North Carolina is the Tar Heel state. But wouldn’t it be better if the official monikers of the states were much more true to life? If they were, then North Carolina would be the cancer state. Isn’t that more useful for the consumer or the visitors to the eighth colony? In Carolina, when you go into a restaurant and they ask “will that be the smoking section or chain smoking?” Instead of web-based countdowns to football season, basketball season, or huntin’ season, they would count the days down to their first malignancy. When doctors finally give them the bad news that they have two or three months to live, and the helpful physicians always tell the patient to go marry a Duke student. It won’t help them live longer but it will make their last days on earth seem to drag on forever.
Who Coughs: 37
Who Gives a Duke?: 33
Notre Dame at Stanford (6:00, FOX)
Tommy Rees, quarterback of Notre Dame, has this bumper sticker: “In case of rapture, this car will swerve as my mother-in-law takes the wheel.” But Notre Dame fans have always had that sort of arrogance and self-righteousness. Someone needs to tell them that attending a religious school doesn’t make you righteous any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
San Franciscan Heathens: 27
Franciscan Heathens: 33
Ohio State at Michigan (12:00, ABC)
After coaching the Buckeyes for nearly two seasons, Urban Meyer now understands why Jim Tressel wears sweater vests. If you spend that much time on the aOSU campus, you start to develop a mental deficiency where you only feel cold down the center of your body. Or it may just be that Ohio is so backward that even their weather doesn’t work properly: maybe they have cold fronts just in the middle. And I don’t mean to make light of Urban’s mental instability. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. But it’s still on the list.
Urban-there, Urdone-that: 24
Hoke Artists: 16
Tennessee at Kentucky (6:00, ESPNU)
The Tennessee-Kentucky game is the most scientifically important game of the year, every season. Because it provides a stadium full of fans that are proof positive that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Inbred Hillbillies: 23
Incestuous Hicks: 17
Clemson at South Carolina (7:00, ESPN2)
Remember a few weeks ago I told you I have one friend who is a South Carolina fan? I also have one friend who is a Clemson fan. The two of them are friends, and when we were all watching the Clemson-South Carolina game last year, the Clemson fan told us his dad has use of a crop-dusting plane asked us if we wanted to go skydiving later that week. I asked if he had enough parachutes for all three of us. He responded that he only permission to use the plane for one parachuting run. Again I inquired as to whether he had enough ‘chutes for the whole group. He replied, “You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.” I opted out.
The South Carolina fan was still interested.
Alabama at Auburn (2:30, CBS)
Just looking around the stadium at the Iron Bowl proves that hell is full and the dead are watching football.
Made Deal with the Devil: 27
Made Deal at Flea Market: 21
FSU at Florida (12:00, ESPN)
Like much of the season, there is no analysis really possible for this game. How can there be when we don’t even know what quarterback will step onto the field, let alone which Gator team will suit up (the one who fought tooth and nail to the last snap in close losses to UGA and USC, or the one that did not get off the bus against Vandy and GSU). I am bracing for the worst, but have not given up hope because I have seen too many times what the will of young people can do in the heat of the battle in sports, especially when it looks like all is lost and the world has written them off.
But one thing is always certain about this game, thin or flush: Florida State does, has always and will always unequivocally and without reservation, suck. There is no end to the things that FSU fans will brag about, regardless of how little they have to brag about. FSU fans brag that they have trophy wives. Of course, they are all participation trophies. Their fans brag about Jameis Winston, despite his possibly being guilty of a terrible assault. They say they have a clear conscience about the Winston case. Of course they say that about every legal or NCAA compliance issue at FSU. But in Tallahassee, a clear conscience is usually just the sign of a bad memory. But you can’t blame them – if they did not idolize their football players, what in their lives would they possibly have to brag about? Someone should tell FSU fans that their football players are not the most interesting persons in the world, just because law enforcement considers them all “persons of interest.” It’s people like FSU fans that make people like me need medication.
The one saving grace is this: no matter what occurs on the football field, all our players and all we fans will go home Saturday and go to sleep Gators, and the opposing players and fans will have to go home and go to sleep Semis. This is why this game is always played on Thanksgiving week.
Jimbo’s Favorite New Toy: 24
Muschamp: Life’s Favorite Chew-Toy: 14