PD’s Picks & Pans: Week 3

This week the National Hurricane Center is tracking an inbound storm, Gabrielle, that could make landfall any day now. Since it is considered just a tropical storm and nobody expects it to do any damage at all, the Florida football team is standing by to give it a football five times in rapid succession so it will still ruin the weekend for all Gator fans. For the rest of the nation, there’s college football…

Akron at Michigan (12:00 p.m. – Big Ten Network)

This game was set to broadcast in HD, but the Akron Zips requested that it be reduced to SD so it might obscure the scoreboard to appear as if the Wolverines will only score in double digits. After doing all it could to lose to out-manned Notre Dame last week, this is the first step in Michigan’s quest to knock off Ohio State at the end of the season. Start with a lesser Ohio town and work up. And Akron is as lesser as it gets. It is the county seat of Summit County, because when you look around Akron, you immediately start searching for the summit – ANY summit – so that you can hurl yourself off of it. When The Pretenders wrote their hit song, “My City Was Gone,” about returning to Ohio to find it a barren heap of trash, they were singing about Akron – birthplace of front woman Chrissie Hynde. When Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David were writing the “Seinfeld” episode where George has to drive across country to the most undesirable place in the nation to deliver the delayed insult comeback, “The Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you!,” they could have chosen anywhere – Cleveland, Detroit, Flint, Canton, Toldeo (amazing how many are in Ohio) – and they chose Akron. But they did not make the crew shoot on location due to union laws against unfit working conditions and creating a hostile work environment. Akron is also home to the Ohio Grassman, a Bigfoot-like creature said to roam the Akron area in desperate search of a gun with which to shoot itself after touring the Akron campus. The History Channel’s “Monster Quest” investigated the creature and the result was inconclusive evidence…much like the Zips’ quest for a real football team.

Wolverines (Michigan): Way up

Zippers (Akron): Down

Louisville at Kentucky (12:00 p.m. – ESPN)

The state of Kentucky narrowly escaped tragedy this week when the governor’s mansion was consumed in fire. Catastrophe was averted however when firefighters contained the flame before it spread to the rest of the trailer park.

The ‘Ville (Louisville): 33

The Swill (Kentucky): 13

Boston College at USC (3:00 p.m. – PAC-12 Network)

In the last episode of “The K-Word,” the K himself was inexplicably hauling in his fourth-straight top ten recruiting class, despite being under the heavy yoke of severe NCAA sanctions and continuing to slide further and further down each year in the rankings on the field, where it actually counts. But Saturday, the story line took a decided turn for the dramatic when the Trojans lost to Washington State 10-7. This is the same Wazzu team that only won three games last year and had to wait until the final game of the season to nip Washington in overtime for their only PAC-12 win. The K-Word’s charges only managed 193 yards on the night, a mere 54 through the air. Meanwhile, the Dazzler’s Boston College squad looked pretty solid last week against Wake Forest and USC still has to face a full PAC-12 schedule that includes Stanford and UCLA as well as Notre Dame. All that talent wasting away in South Central. Tune in next week when Nick Saban leaves a message on The K-Word’s voicemail, saying “Thanks for filling the tank for me!”

Slick Eagles (Boston College): 24

Sick Beagles (USC): 20

Alabama at Texas A&M (3:30 p.m. – CBS)

When continually asked last week about Johnny Football’s alleged brushes with NCAA rules infractions, A&M coach Kevin Sumlin met the media with humor, confidence and humility. When continually asked this week about DJ Fluker’s alleged brushes with NCAA rules infractions, Alabama coach Nick Saban met the media with anger, paranoia and arrogance. Miami has Luther Campbell, Alabama has Luther Davis – alleged bagman for Fluker. Alabama may not escape this one, but at this point, what’s another NCAA scandal in Tuscaloosa – just two more stamps on their probation card and they get a free pizza. No stranger to NCAA jail themselves (the Aggies have been on probation four different times in two different conferences), A&M has nothing to worry about this time. Johnny Manziel doesn’t know the meaning of the word “probation”….nor the spelling. What time of night was it when Nick Saban snuck out of Miami?…

Trouble with Bammer (Alabama): 12

Trouble with Grammar (Texas A&M): 11 1/2

Tennessee at Oregon (3:30 p.m. – ABC)

Although both teams are 2-0, against equal competition this year, the Ducks have out-rushed the Vols by 53% (850 yards to 555), out-passed them by 75% (479 to 274) and out-scored them by nearly 30% (125 to 97). The Ducks are second in the nation in rushing and third in scoring. Tennessee’s safe word is “Giant Pumpkin.”

Ducks (Oregon): 52

Yucks (Tennessee): 9

Ole Miss at Texas (8:00 p.m. – Longhorn Network)

While former defensive coordinator and head-coach-in-waiting is busy managing the best defense in college football in Gainesville, holding Miami’s vaunted running attack to a paltry 50 yards, his former defense in Austin last week against lowly BYU gave up 40 points and 679 yards, including 550 yards on the ground. I have no joke here – those statistics are hilarious enough.

Ole Miss: 30

Texas: 28

Florida: Bye Week

Special Will Muschamp Interview

With the Gators taking a bye week to lick their wounds and get ready for their SEC opener, Coach Muschamp has been kind enough to grant Gator Country a quick interview. Here is the transcript:

Gator Country: First of all, thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

Will Muschamp: My pleasure. You know that the Florida program is always happy to accommodate media requests for any access at all. If you need information about the program, injury updates, plays we’ve been working on, how we enjoyed our morning constitutional, you just name it and we’re here to help.

GC: Great, great, well let’s–

WM: I mean, if you need to know the detailed minutia behind every single decision and thought in my head on a 24/7 basis, that’s what we’re here for.

GC: Excellent.

WM: Truly. I wouldn’t be doing my JOB if I didn’t make sure that every single fan in Gator Nation knows exactly why we ran the fifteenth play of a blowout game before they lay their little heads to sleep on their little pink pillows every night. Lord knows this tales priority over me coaching the team and dealing with THE ADVERSITY ON THE FIELD!!

GC: Yes…well. Thank you again. This actually leads right into our first question. You are a very intense coach. You are given to strong reactions and statements on the sidelines and in press conferences that some might say were reminiscent of outbursts of rage.

WM: Is there a question?

GC: Some of your fans would like to know what you do in your spare time to relax, perhaps calm your nerves.

WM: I read. Anything else?

GC: That’s great. What books do you read?

WM: I don’t have time to read books during the season. I just read your columns. Every word of them.

GC: Oh–

WM: Every. Damn. Word. You write it, I know about it. And I see you every Saturday.

GC: Yes….then…

WM: What’s wrong?

GC: Sorry, your hair was vibrating. Well then, what were your early literary influences? What books did you read growing up?

WM: You mean when I was a little kid?

GC: No, more like when you–

WM: Are you saying I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION?!!

GC: No, no! Please tell us what you read as a child. What were your five favorite books?

WM: My parents used to read me an assortment of classics. Probably my fifth favorite was Green Eggs and STOP BOTHERING ME! It’s how I became a foodie. Next there was One Fish, Two Fish, You’re the Reason Mommy Cries. I liked Dr. Seuss.

GC: Maybe we should–

WM: NUMBER THREE! The Little Engine that Didn’t Give a Damn! How did you like that one?

GC: Um, it was one of my favorites too.

WM: Next! Horton Hears He Was an Accident. A real feel-good story. My favorite by far was Hello Bourbon, It’s Me Daddy. Uplifting, DON’T YOU THINK?!

GC: What?…

WM: NEXT QUESTION!

GC: I think that’s all the questions we have today.

WM: It’s always a pleasure. The wash room’s out the door to the left.

This Will Muschamp Interview is fictional and only meant for entertainment purposes.