Ladies and gentlemen, the world of college football 2015 is about to jump up a notch. Starting this week, things are going to escalate quickly. They’re going to really get out of hand fast. This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it. There will be horses, offenses will be on fire, and someone will kill a man with a trident. Dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!
And somewhere between Anchorman, Ghostbusters and the Hunt for the Red October (in November), there are going to be some head-turning, eye-popping tilts that are going to rock the polls, feed the trolls and hopefully stomp the Noles. Some teams seasons will be made, some kept on track and some will be for all intents and purposes ground into powder. Game over, man! Game over!
Kentucky at Unranked Georgia (12:00 pm, SEC Network)
Yes, “Unranked” is now officially part of the Bulldawgs’ name.
Few things are as satisfying in the sports world as listening to Atlanta sports radio the week after Florida beats Georgia. Monday I listened to “The Dawg Report” which is a radio-based Bulldog support group/slash/suicide help line. The show is always so dreary, boring and soaked in misery that I am not sure if the suicide help line is supposed to help save them from depression or help them commit suicide without any pesky doubts. A typical caller-host exchange:
Caller: “Do you think maybe our top-5 recruiting class with the #1-rated high school quarterback will help turn the program around…..”
(Dead air for 12 minutes)
“….Uh, sure. Uh-huh. They just gotta get butter.”
I never understood why the UGA coaching staff and fans keep saying that: “We just gotta get butter. Just need to get butter and we’ll be jus’ faahn.” I don’t know how butter is going to help, but if they need to get butter, just go to the grocery store. It’s not a treasure hunt.
The greatest comment this week on “The Dawg Report” was by a UGA beaten reporter (other teams call them beat reporters, but in Athens they cut to the chase) talking about how their expectations have changed after being blown out by Florida. The Dawgs came into the game this year needing a win to virtually lock up the East division championship and a ticket to the SEC Championship Game. After being embarrassed once again by the Gators, this time by a backup quarterback, the team’s season has been reduced to temperature. The UGA beaten reporter said the team is only playing for climate now. The more wins they get, the further south they get to go for their bowl game, and they want to be warm or comfortably hot for their bowl game, and not cold and miserable. So the Gators turned the Dawgs’ season hopes and dreams from SEC championship aspirations and an outside shot at a playoff appearance as a 2-loss SEC champ (these are UGA expectations, keep in mind, not sane expectations) into just wanting to be warm. Just to go play a meaningless game against a meaningless opponent somewhere it is hot.
Well if Dawg Nation is looking for a little warmth, all they have to do is cozy up to Mark Richt’s seat right now. Be sure to bring plenty of sun screen, SPF 400.
Here are some cool catch phrases from Dawg-friendly sports radio deep in enemy territory (mind you these are not callers; these are the UGA-homer hosts of the radio shows):
“An unmitigated disaster.”
“When they were announcing the pregame lineup, they put Bauta’s photo and stats on the jumbotron and the stadium announcer’s voice boomed around the Gator Bowl, “Starting at quarterback for Georgia…Greyson Lambert!” And that was the least confused the Bulldogs were all day.”
“Culture of losers.”
“Middle school players are coached better.”
“Your job is to go hire the next Billy Donovan, the greatest hire ever. Your job is to go hire the next Jim McElwain.” (Yes, the Gator Envy has reached epic proportions; they hired the Gator Executive Associate AD to be their AD, and now they are advocating hiring anyone who could be like the Gators’ coaches…just swim around in that pure spring water for awhile).
Just as Kentucky’s season is falling apart, and Mark Stoops is coming under some fire, here comes a team and program in ten times the disarray and whose coach makes Stoops look downright presidential. It’s a really good time to face the Dawgs right now. It’s always nice to face a team whose highest goal in the game is to score their first touchdown in three weeks.
Crippled Cats: 13
Crumbling Canines: 9
#5 Notre Dame at Pittsburgh (12:00 pm, ABC)
Once upon a time, it was 2012 and the 11-1 Florida Gators would have played in the BCS title game against Alabama if only the refs in the Notre Dame-Pittsburgh game would have been able to count. With Florida poised to make a run at the playoffs and Notre Dame creeping around just outside the top 4, karma owes us in this game.
Now, sure Pittsburgh stinks to the high sky as always, but they are about as good as they get this year, and were even ranked at one point. And last week the Irish needed a touchdown with 2 minutes left and an interception just outside their red zone with 1 minute left to beat Temple. Temple! The week before, they beat a literally coachless team by just 10. The win against Temple is their most impressive win of the year. How does that resume earn them the #5 ranking? The Gators may just need the Irish to be bumped off again to pave the way for great postseason things this year. This may be the week they get it. The only other chance for a Domer loss comes on the final day of the season at Stanford. Maybe the Cardinal will help us out.
Notre Dammit!: 27
Pittifulsburgh: 23
#16 Florida State at #1 Clemson (3:30 pm, ABC)
I am tired of this movie. Seen it too many times, it always ends the same and the predictability is boring me to tears. Every year I think Clemson is going to beat the nasty Nolies, they trip on their own…feet (yeah, let’s say feet) and fall on their collective face. If they were ever going to beat them again, you would think it was last year when FSU’s Heisman-winning quarterback missed the game while serving the only suspension of his avalanche-of-suspensions-deserving career. But no. Clemson went out and wet their pants, soiled their pants and somehow even vomited in their pants from the inside. That’s the new Clemsoning. This is – I think – the best Clemson team I have ever seen. The offense is as unstoppable as ever and even defensive coordinator Brent Venables appears to have had his head surgically removed from his colon and is finding the air out here is pretty nice to breathe. The Tigers are ranked #1 in the first college playoff poll, and I cannot remember the last time they were ranked #1 in any poll, and neither can Clemson fans. That’s because most of their meals consist of grub worms and white lightning. It’s their last real opportunity to lose before the ACC title game. Please don’t anyone tell them that!
Clemsoning: 41
Florida Stating: 35
#8 TCU at #14 Oklahoma State (3:30 pm, FOX)
There has been a lot of belly-aching by the TCU and Baylor fans. You eat ten pounds of bacon and red meat with ever meal and you’re going to get that. They have also been complaining a lot about being disrespected by the college football playoff committee. Despite being 15-0 between them, and scoring on average about 120 points per game, they are only ranked #6 and #8, respectively (but clearly not respectfully) in the first college playoff rankings. Well maybe if either one of them had played a single ranked team this year, it might be a little different. Or maybe if they’d have played more than one team that has a winning record. Both teams have played exactly one team this year that has a winning record…and they’re both 5-4 Texas Tech, so that number will go back down to zero when the Red Raiders lose to West Virginia Saturday. How is it even possible to get to November and not have played a single currently ranked team and the best team you have played is 5-4? That takes some work, doesn’t it?
But then, TCU has the chance to go back to one win against winning teams if they can squeeze past the Cowboys Saturday. It won’t matter. The Big 12 is getting left out of the playoffs again. Because schedule.
Horney Toads: 48
Lonesome Roads: 38
#2 LSU at #4 Alabama (8:00 pm, CBS)
Two of the top four teams in the first playoff poll square off in Tuscaloosa and one of them is going to knock the other out of the playoff, out of the SEC West race and out of their minds. If Alabama loses, word on the street will be that the Saban dynasty has moved off of life support and into the morgue. If LSU loses, it will be the fifth-straight game Miles and his Bengals have lost to Alabama in 5-straight years, and just 2-7 against the Tide in the eight years since nipping them by 7 points en route to the 2007 national championship. That’s an ugly 5-year streak, during which time Saban and the Tide have won three of those natties, one of them by beating the Tigers in the national title game. Word on the street will be that Miles is never going to get back over the Saban hump (and by “the Saban hump” I don’t mean Kirby Smart…he’s the Saban mook).
Either way, SEC rivals will revel in the fate of the loser and grumble at the fate of the winner. For the good of the conference, it would be best to deal the Saban dynasty a death punch, and with Leonard Fournette, the Tigers may finally have the x-factor to swim against the Tide.
Smell Like Corn Dogs and Hurricanes: 23
Smell Like Fatback and Strangers: 21
Vanderbilt at #10 Florida (12:00 pm, ESPN)
Speaking of ugly 5-year streaks, that’s the current stretch of seasons with no appearance in the SEC title game for the Gators. The previous longest East title drought in school history was just two seasons. However the longest previous streak of missing the SEC Championship Game was also five seasons, since in 2003 they tied for the East title with two other teams, but lost the tie-breaker and did not go to Atlanta. So this is the worst SEC slump in the divisional era.
But as Wyatt Earp said when he walked into the saloon full of gunslingers in Dodge City, or at least as it was fictionalized as Wyatt Earp in the movie about Wyatt Earp called Wyatt Earp, with Crash Davis playing Wyatt Earp, which was only the second-best movie released in 1993 about Wyatt Earp, behind the movie where Snake Plissken played Wyatt Earp: It all ends now! Florida is once again going to Atlanta where the program has always been at home away from home, and will always be. Where the football team has won SEC title on top of SEC title. Where the basketball team has won SEC Tournament titles and a national title.
Those prone to be slavish to facts will point out that the East division will not be locked up until either Florida wins one of their last two SEC games or another team loses one of their final league contests. But the only team besides Florida that is still mathematically alive in the East race is Vanderbilt, and that’s only because they have so many SEC games back-loaded on their schedule that they have not lost enough to be out of the race.
To wit: It will be November 5 on Saturday and the Commodores currently have only ONE conference win…and are still mathematically alive against a team that is 5-1. That’s because Vandy has only played four SEC games, and sit at 1-3, just two games back in the loss column.
But for the math to work out for the ‘Dores, forget for a moment about the Gators having to lose to both Vandy and South Carolina, the two worst teams in the conference. Vandy also has to win out to claim the East. That means they have to beat #10 Florida, Kentucky, #19 Texas A&M and Tennessee in consecutive weeks. This from a team that lost to Western Kentucky and was just blown out 34-0 by Houston last week.
If you called Vegas bookies and asked them what the odds are of Florida losing to Vandy and Carolina, and Vanderbilt winning out, the bookies would hang up the phone without saying a word, drive across the country to your house and pee in your mouth.
Greators: 32
Commode Doors: 6