Well this week’s picks were made in honor of the great Gators effort in Jacksonville where the good guys held Georgia to 1-of-10 on third downs, outgained the Bulldogs’ vaunted passing attack through the air while picking off their preordained All-SEC quarterback three times and getting into their heads so much that they committed 14 penalties for 132 yards. What a way to punch our ticket to Atlanta while also…
Wait, what? … We did WHAT with the ball?
HOW many times?
Ahem … as I was saying, we hope this week’s pans help to wash away the aftertaste of a great effort made in vain. With the premise that laughter is the best medicine, here’s hoping this week’s Picks & Pans are the right prescription.
Iowa at Indiana
We got trouble my friends, right here in Bloom City, with a capitol “T” and that rhymes with “D” and that stands for DAAYUM YOU SUCK Indiana. The Hoosiers are going to finish 3-9 with losses to Ball State and Navy and their only wins coming against Indiana State, Massachusetts, and Illinois. And it may not have even been this year’s Illinois team, which we will investigate later in the column. They may actually have lost to an Illini team that sucked even worse two years ago. Only Doc Brown and Marty would know for sure.
Someone from M*A*S*H: 52
Think, McFly, THINK!: 13
San Diego State at No. 19 Boise State
The Spud State vs. the Spuds McKenzie state. Actually, San Jose is close enough to San Francisco to be called the Bud State. The way the Broncos are playing, I’ll take the Pepsi challenge with that Amsterdam stuff any day of the week. Boise makes a BOOOLD statement.
Smurf Turf: 30
Dirt Weed: 27
Syracuse at Cincinnati
How did Syracuse lose to South Florida by a point last week? How did Cincinnati lose to Louisville in overtime last week? Someone must know. But where would I find such a man? Why am I asking you?
He said the Orangemen are near: 27
Somebody go back to Cincy and get a s***-load of dimes!: 17
No. 4 Oregon at No. 17 USC
Southern Cal takes on Oregon in what could be the first of two clashes between these teams. USC leads the South conference and Oregon leads the North division, the winners of which will face off in the inaugural Pac-12 conference title game. If USC can manage to stop losing to inferior opponents yet again, it can surely hope against hope that Oregon wins the North division and the Trojans do not have to face the current second place team in the North, Oregon State. Because, as the USC head coach’s wife Layla will tell you, Lane Kiffin does not know how to handle the Beavers.
Matthew, Mark, Luke and Ducks!: 27
That was the last pick’s movie reference!: 13
Ole Miss at No. 5 Georgia
Georgia and Mark Richt have somewhat redeemed themselves after dropping an embarrassing blowout to the Gamecocks. Despite the fact that the Bulldogs ascended back to the SEC East lead and the national championship picture not through their own excellence but through South Carolina tanking two-straight games and Florida giving them an unbelievable six turnovers for a narrow win in Jacksonville. Every season goal that the Jawja team imagined when they saw the ink drying on the easiest schedule since the league expanded in 1992 is still in front of them. That all changes this week if suddenly respectable Ole Miss catches Georgia napping again as they have in 3 of the last 4 games of the year. You can’t spell “unglued” without U-G-A … if you’re a Georgia student, at least.
Bark: 28
Bite: 32
Illinois at Ohio State
The throwback jerseys worn Sunday by the Pittsburgh Steelers were so colossally horrific that they actually ripped a hole in the space-time continuum. However, no prior era would allow those uniforms to return, and in that void, the Illinois game from 2011 was hurtled forward to 2012. Here is the pick for that game, which will postpone the 2012 Illinois-Ohio State game, prompting Urban Meyer to submit the first of his three future resignations from Ohio State.
The coach who is being called Ohio State’s Ron Zook faces off against the original. When asked how his team will respond to playing the traditional Big 10 power, after feasting on half a dozen weaklings, Zook said, “They’ve done it. They’ve done it. They’ve showed us they can do it. They can do it. Just gotta get them to do it.” When pressed for specifics, Zook replied, “I ain’t no Willie off the pickle boat. We gotta let the Jessies and Joes go out and get it fixed. We’re getting better and better and better.” When asked how he spent the week preparing for the 6-0 Zookers after losing 3 of the last 4, Buckeyes coach Luke Fickel said, “When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.” When pressed for specifics, Fickel replied, “I’m not a smart man … but I know what coaching is.” Then he reiterated that people call him Luke Fickel and insisted that it was all he had to say about that.
Zookers: 7
Fickelers: 17
Vanderbilt at Kentucky
These two perpetually downtrodden programs meet with surprisingly happy dispositions. It could be because the South got a rare “pass” from a major hurricane, but it most likely is because at the end of the game, no matter who wins or loses, they will all meet in the middle of the field, shake hands and laugh about the fact that at least they’re not Auburn.
Mildcats: 10
Commode Doors: 20
Missouri at No. 7 Florida
The Show Me State is also known as the Puke State. It refers to a gathering of Missourians (or is that Missourites?) in 1827 at the Galena Lead Mines (Missouri is also known as the Lead State), where so many citizens had assembled that someone declared that the state of Missouri had taken a puke. After which I assume everyone said, “Show me” and everyone puked. Or maybe they just had a vision of this Tigers football team 185 years in the future. Missouri is unique in that it is a transition state between the North and South as well as the Eastern and Western United States, and was a Civil War border state sending soldiers to each side, flying both flags. And none of that is why they say that Missourians go both ways.
I had a long list of jokes about Florida to include in this pick, but I dropped it four times and then handed them to the wrong person twice until finally the Picks & Pans deadline passed.
Something in this territory called a Missouruh Boat Ride: 10
Gators eat the Boat: 37