PD’s Picks & Pans: Week 6

A coach about to be fired. A coach who could write a book about being fired. And a lot of Florida rivals to get Gator fans fired up. All this and less in Week 6 of Picks & Pans.

Texas at Iowa State (6:30 Thursday, ESPN)

Mack Brown is the Harry Ellis character in Die Hard, smugly sitting there drinking his Coke, B.S.-ing everyone in the room, with no idea that Hans Gruber is about to blow him away.

Sack ‘em Horns!: 31

Losing the ‘Clone Wars: 20

Georgia State at Alabama (11:21 am, SEC TV)

The Bill Curry Bowl. Billy Curry is one of the most media-respected former head football coaches in the land. Always found on television and radio broadcasts for his hallowed football wisdom and revered self-deprecating wit. His self-deprecation is legendary, as it was built on years of real-world deprecating. After playing college ball for the Jackets, he went on to the NFL where he was fired by the Green Bay Packers, the Baltimore Colts, the Houston Oilers and the Los Angeles Rams. He called them all fools. Then he went to coach for his alma mater, where he heroically led the once-proud former powerhouse to 7 years of mundane mediocrity. When he took the job, he fired holdover offensive coordinator Steve Spurrier, claiming that Bill Curry only has winners on his staff, and Steve was not a winner. Yes, he referred to himself in the third person. Steve is gettin’ upset! Spurrier went on to shatter coaching records as head coach at Duke and Florida. But after seven years at Tech produced a record of 12-games under .500 for Curry, and following a 5-5-1 season, the great Crimson Tide of Alabama inexplicably hired him to replace Ray Perkins, who himself had replaced The Bear a few years prior. After middling success at Bama, Perkins left to seek shame and torture as the next failed coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Back to Curry: Following the only three successful years of his professional career, Alabama fired him. Curry said they should have hired him instead of Perkins to replace The Bear in the first place. From there he took the reigns at Kentucky and drove the flagging program as far into the dirt as it could go. After 7 years, his best record was 6-6 halfway through his tenure, and The Wildcats fired him. Then after 14 years of wandering the broadcast booth like a nerd-alert hobo, he was tapped to shepherd the fledgling football program at Georgia State. After managing to eke out a 6-5 record in their first season as a program, he nosedived the young Panthers to 3-8 and finally 1-10 before riding off into the sunset, claiming that GSU was lucky to have him and they would never know a better coach.

This explains his razor self-deprecating wit. How he got the reputation as a knowledgeable football coach is anyone’s guess. This has nothing to do with this game; I just really dislike Bill Curry.

Should Be Embarrassed to Play These Guys: 52

At Least We Won’t Be On Probation Next Year: 0

Georgia at Tennessee (2:30, CBS)

And the eternal debate continues: The Toothless or The Front-Butts. You can ask Mister Owl, but I think the world will never know.

Trogs: 48

Voles: 24

 Georgia Tech at Miami (2:20, ESPNU)

 ESPNU is the perfect network for these two teams. Georgia Tech has been covering up its football ineptness for decades by claiming it just cares about its great academic reputation. They put the “U” in ESPNUniversity. And no school with their level of academic standards can be expected to compete in football on an elite plane. No, the floor will NOT recognize the junior senator from Stanford! Then of course there is Miami, which calls itself duh “U”. However, the inability of Miami students, alumni or administration to properly pronounce the language has led to the misconception that it stands for the rather simpleton symbol of the “U” in “U of Miami”. Duh. But in fact, that merely informs us of what it really stands for. Some programs are “Running Back-U,” some are “Linebacker-U,” one is even “Free Shoes-U.” Miami is “DUH-U”.

Electrical Engineering Workers: 24

Sanitation Engineering Twerkers: 23

 Arkansas at Florida (6:00, ESPN2)

The CDC has dispatched a special investigative unit to Gainesville because they are on high alert over a suspected epidemic of imminent premature deaths. Mountains of evidence have surfaced this fall indicating that a majority of Gator fans believe they are going to die before the season is over. What else could explain the breathtaking lack of patience in Gator Nation? Why wasn’t Driskel perfect yet?! Why isn’t Murphy in the Heisman race yet? Why wasn’t Jones over his viral infection yet? Why aren’t the freshmen ready to play yet – ALL of the freshmen? Why wasn’t the offensive line perfect after one off-season of retooling? Why aren’t all of our injuries healed yet? Everything must happen NOW! People must be working hard on their bucket lists for this sort of urgency to – why are you still reading this? Time is running out! NOW! Do it NOOOOW!

In related news, the CDC has corrected an earlier report that the Florida Gators title hopes had been poisoned. They are in fact still alive and well.

For now.

Swamp Swine Dinner: 28

It’s NOT an eating disorder!!: 16