PD’s Picks & Pans: Week 13

The Gators have had a rough season. Regardless of where you fall on the subject of what or who is responsible for the woes, and to what degree they are, everyone can agree on one thing: the season has been ugly. But anyone who has attended UF or even driven through Gainesville knows that “ugly” is a word that is rarely if ever associated with Title Town. And as ugly as the season has been, there are always uglier things to see around the college football landscape. Let me ‘splain …

Kentucky at Georgia (6:00, ESPNU)

Georgia. Talk about your ugly fan bases. And we are talking about the guys, here. A quick stroll around Athens (or most any SEC town) and you’ll see beautiful girls everywhere you look. The men are a different story. Georgia’s 2013 Homecoming King – the best looking man on campus – was taken to the beauty parlor to try to get him presentable for the Homecoming dance. They worked on him for an hour and a half … and that was just to get the estimate.

Michael Stipe: 27

Mitch McConnell: 23


Vanderbilt at Tennessee (6:00, ESPN2)

I know that losing to Vanderbilt a couple of weeks ago was ugly, but how ugly is it for Tennessee that Vanderbilt has actually passed them as a better football program? And then there are the fans. Both schools have it pretty bad. I’m not saying they’re ugly, but in between holidays they swap “Look Better Soon” cards.

Fred Thompson: 21

Paul Finebaum: 18


Texas A&M at LSU (2:30, CBS)

This game has all the makings of something beautiful. Just be sure to keep your eyes trained on the field at all times, and don’t let them wander into the stands, where the fans let it all hang out. LSU fans have the worst of the two. I understand that they like to wear half-shirts in Red Stick, but they need to understand that they are called half-shirts because only half the people are supposed to wear them. The OTHER half.

James Carville: 37

Neal Boortz: 33


UT Chattanooga at Alabama (1:00, ESPN-GP)

When I was in Tuscaloosa earlier in the year, as far as you know I grabbed some ribs at Dreamland Barbecue with Eli Gold, voice of the Crimson Tide, voice of Dreamland and most importantly voice of MRN. Nothing but beautiful women there serving the spice. We were discussing this year’s Iron Bowl in Auburn, and he suggested I hit a burger joint before I left town. When a voice you grew up listening to every Sunday speaks, you listen. The joint was appropriately called Upwind. I was seated by a hostess who was covered with 10-foot pole marks. My waitress was so ugly she would force a freight train to take a dirt road. A quick scan of the other patrons and it was clear this was a group that had to get together on weekends to practice being this ugly. That’s when I got a text from Eli: “Upwind is the place in Tuscaloosa’s where Auburn fans meet.”

Don’t ever take restaurant suggestions from Eli Gold.

And don’t ever believe anyone who says he ate in a restaurant with Eli Gold.

Sela Ward (take THAT Auburn!): 52

Dennis Haskins (Hugh Beaumont was a handsome man!): 9


Idaho at Florida State (2:30, ESPNU)

I won’t rag on how ugly FSU guys are. But only because I already did that last week. But at least they understand the balance required of anyone as ugly as they. And that is that anyone that homely has to mitigate their Halloween looks by being nice. Now despite what you may have heard (or experienced), this fan base is not the meanest in the nation. And despite what you may have witnessed on the field for the last 30+ years on the field (or at the parole board), this is not a program of filthy mean-spirited players. I mean, they HAVE to be really nice, right?

Why else would they all be doing 300 hours of community service?

Lee Corso: 67

Larry Craig: Wide Stance/Margin of Loss


Virginia at Miami (11:00, ESPNU)

There is no use discussing what Miami fans look like. Their prancing ibis says it all. But to mock Miami fans, one needs only to talk about how dumb they are. Sure, Hurricane students average between 3.8 and 4.0. But that’s not their Grade Point Average; it’s their Blood Alcohol Content. I don’t know what makes them so stupid, but whatever it is, it is very effective. Two years ago the University of Miami held a conference on robotics and artificial intelligence, amidst several years trying to find the key to creating robotic brains. After a few million dollars of research, they discovered that at least on the Miami campus, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

Don Shula: 27

Nancy Kulp: 23


Georgia Southern at Florida (1:00, ESPN-GP)

And finally the game we’ve all been waiting for. Sort of. After all the trials and tribulations of the past ten games, the Gators face Georgia Southern and are finally guaranteed a win. Probably. It has long been thought that ‘trials and tribulations’ were inseparable,

But this Saturday, the Gators will put that to the test and attempt to deal with only tribulations. No trials this week. The only trials coming up in Florida will be for a certain quarterback the Gators will be facing next week.

Then we might see what it really means to see things get ugly.

Jenn Brown: 27

Patrika Darbo: 6


Previous articleGC talks all things with Will Grier
David Parker
One of the original columnists when Gator Country first premiered, David “PD” Parker has been following and writing about the Gators since the eighties. From his years of regular contributions as a member of Gator Country to his weekly columns as a partner of the popular defunct niche website Gator Gurus, PD has become known in Gator Nation for his analysis, insight and humor on all things Gator.