PD’s Picks & Pans: Vanderbilt week for the Florida Gators

What am I going to do with 500 boxes of “Twelvesee” t-shirts?

Yes, it is a week of regrets and debts that came due. And Gator fans were left holding the bag on a lot of unfilled orders. But we weren’t the only ones. Let’s take a look at who else is stuck with a bunch of useless merchandise this week.

#11 Tennessee @ #25 Georgia 3:30 (CBS)

What is Georgia going to do with all those Kirby Smart koozies with “World’s Greatest Coach” emblazoned on them? The athletics department had to go into debt just to have them changed when Mark Richt was fired. Back then they read, “World’s Greatest Mom”. Tennessee actually did Florida a favor in that they actually preordered a few thousand of the “Twelvesee” t-shirts. Now that they actually have their first win in a dozen seasons, the Tennessee You Tube fan sensations have no idea what they will do for content. They have made a living from posting videos of their own meltdowns. They don’t even know how to act when they win. They don’t know how to strut around like arrogant, overconfident children ripe to be made a fool. Luckily they have the film of the Gator football team heading to and coming out of the locker room at halftime Saturday in Knoxville as a teaching guide.

Dawgs Backed Into a Corner and Playing Like Their Lives Depended On It: 21

Overconfident Vols in Huge Letdown Trap Game: 20

Yes you read that right

 

Missouri @ LSU 7:30 (SECN)

This one’s a little different. Nobody is lamenting all the money they wasted on merchandise that is no longer worth a red cent. The angry drunks in Red Stick are kicking themselves for bumper stickers that ripped off their cars and threw away, that read “Send the Hatter Down the Ladder!” At the end of last season, Les Miles was officially not fired or unfired or only fired adjacent – whatever it was called – and after an energizing offseason and new level of fan-coach dedication rediscovered, Les is soooo fired again. Another loss and he may as well call the real estate agent. Lucky for LSU fans, it won’t be this week. Missouri is not good.

Drinking Tigers: 17

Stinking Tigers: 13

 

#22 Texas @ Oklahoma State 12:00 (ABC)

Well Texas fans can all get rid of their cowboy hats bearing the printed slogan, “Our Defense is Charlie STRONG!” It was a bad slogan to begin with, and it was so long it had to be stenciled up one side of the cowboy hat and down the other, but what do you expect? They’re Texans. They like everything to be bigger for no apparent reason. Like, say the point totals given up by the Longhorns. Just three games into the new season and the Longhorns defense has given up about half a century twice (47 and 50 points). And not to explosive offenses. This after last year surrendering over 30 points six times, over 40 points three times, and even gave up 50 once, making it two-straight seasons giving up a 50-spot in one game. No wonder they wouldn’t promote Will Muschamp to head coach back then. Fans in Austin like a head coach who is going to light up the scorebooard. Someone should inform Charlie that this means on offense.

Wishes He Were Still at Louisville: 43

Even Worse Than Texas: 42

 

North Carolina @ #12 Florida State 3:30 (ESPN)

Oh you know FSU. They are the kings of the motivational gimmicks. Every year under the latter part of Bowden’s tenure they’d show up to fall practice with new positive thinking t-shirts. And new Ford Escalades. And new shoes from Foot Locker. And crab legs with no receipt. And court summonses. And parole officers. And signature sheets to show that they introduced themselves to you and the rest of the neighborhood as registered sex offenders. Once the t-shirts read “Finish the Drill”, a reminder that they had failed to close on big seasons with national titles about every year since ever. Or that one year when they had “Let’s Roll” printed on their t-shirts, which ripped off the last line spoken over his cell phone by one of the 9/11 passengers who then rushed the hijackers and caused the plane to go down in the countryside instead of the Pentagon as planned. Of course, they then spun it that they were not stealing the line, but honoring the hero. Bowden told reporters that the slogan represented the team attitude that they were ready to start the season and roll over the competition…”and also because of that airplane guy.” No kidding, that’s what he said. That’s like saying they wore World War 2 t-shirts because of that wheel chair guy.

Every year they have to burn their t-shirts in the Homecoming bonfire because by then they had already ruined whatever goal the t-shirt signified. This year’s jerseys didn’t even make it to Homecoming. They had to burn over 200 shirts bearing the words, “One Last Hurdle: Clemson”.

FSHooboy: 24

Tarred Heels: 17

 

Oklahoma @ #21 TCU 5:00 (Fox)

The unranked Oklahoma Sooners! Just three games into the season: the unranked Oklahoma Sooners. When is the Stoops family ever going to unload the container ship full of “Big Game Bob” coffee mugs? Sales took a big nosedive over the last ten years as he was racking up the BCS bowl losses at a whiplash pace. But at this point, he has been losing so many big games that he’s not in nearly as many of them anymore, so his chances of unloading the backed up inventory keeps shrinking. In the meantime, Bob himself will keep using the mugs so that they don’t go completely to waste. And he is going through them at a fairly fast clip, given the number of times he has hurled them against his office wall in the last ten years or so. One word of advice, Bob, if you want to be healthy again: start filling them with coffee, stop filling them with jelly doughnuts.

Horned Toad: 24

Mugs to Unoad: 20

 

#23 Florida @ Vanderbilt 12:00 (SECN)

The answer is: Twelve in a row.

The question is: What can’t be found in the Florida win column or in a Vols fan’s mouth.

Well we already know we have some t-shirts to unload. But even if we can donate them to charity (ironically perhaps to the residents of Tennessee who can’t afford new clothes because they are saving up their money to get their tooth fixed), there is still the question of what we should do with all of these “DBU” posters. Too bad they’re made of paper and would disintegrate into a big watery mess, because the best place for them is at the bottom of the ocean. I don’t want to hear another Gator defensive back talk about Florida being DBU until they redeem themselves to the tune of zero passing touchdowns, about 15 interceptions and three pick-sixes…let’s say over the next four games or so. And add in half a dozen pass defenses per game. Yeah it was that bad. We may all want to stop payment on the check to the SEC ticket office reserving our seat in the Georgia Dome in early December. The Gators may yet get there this year, but they’ve got a lot of visits to the city dump to take care of between now and then.

We beat Kentucky by 38: 37

We Beat Western Kentucky by 1: 0

And that’s a look at Week 5 in college football and who is stuck with what. Florida is stuck with a loss right now, and a hill to climb. But all of the year’s realistic goals are still ahead of them (i.e., an undefeated season was not one of them). We fans just have to hang on and enjoy the ride. I can hang on. I can enjoy the ride. I just can’t figure out one thing.

What am I going to do with forty subscriptions to Vibe?

David Parker
One of the original columnists when Gator Country first premiered, David “PD” Parker has been following and writing about the Gators since the eighties. From his years of regular contributions as a member of Gator Country to his weekly columns as a partner of the popular defunct niche website Gator Gurus, PD has become known in Gator Nation for his analysis, insight and humor on all things Gator.

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