Christmas came early for Florida football fans.
With most preseason prognosticators predicting anywhere between a seven-and nine-win season, jolly St. Will Muschamp and his elves delivered a joyous 11–1 regular season record and a BCS bowl bid, giving all Gators fans many good Saturday nights.
Because it’s Christmas, we wanted to return the favor by handing out our own cheer in the form of fictitious gifts.
Will Muschamp – Two gifts. A voodoo doll dressed like a referee and an ejector seat during news conferences. The former does not need an explanation. The latter would give Muschamp the option to quickly remove any reporter for asking pointed questions about things such as injuries that pop up. Muschamp could leisurely push a button to send a reporter flying faster than Santa’s sleigh toward Palm Beach.
Dan Quinn – Rogaine so people will stop confusing the slick-headed defensive mastermind with strength and conditioning coordinator Jeff Dillman, who also is bald and sports a goatee.
Brent Pease – NFL receiver Calvin Johnson. Due to a transcript error, Megatron would be forced to go back to college for at least three seasons and he decides to head to the Sunshine State after spending too many cold winters in Detroit. Of course, he would enroll at Florida. He’s not going to choose Miami or Florida State. The NFL’s most dominant receiver may have to repeat college, but he ain’t that dumb.
Jeff Dillman – A lifetime supply of the new Gripp II Stress Relieving Balls.
Jeff Driskel – A giant trashcan to make it easier for him to throw things away. If he uses that gift wisely next season, we’ll need to buy him a display case for his Heisman Trophy next Christmas.
Mike Gillislee – A clone to step in for him for media interviews. The soft-spoken 1,100-yard rusher doesn’t seem to enjoy those much.
Dominique Easley – Emmitt Smith’s “Mirror Ball” that he won on Dancing With The Stars.
Matt Patchan – The elastic, indestructible body of Mister Fantastic from the Fantastic Four.
Frankie Hammond Jr. – A Krispy Kreme franchise.
Shariff Floyd – Three more years of eligibility.
Matt Elam – Three more years of eligibility.
Jelani Jenkins – Three more years of eligibility.
Jon Bostic – Three more years of eligibility.
Jordan Reed – Three more years of eligibility.
Caleb Sturgis – Lifetime college eligibility.
Jeremy Foley – Lifetime contracts for Will Muschamp, Billy Donovan, Kevin O’Sullivan, Mike Holloway, Mary Wise, Roland Thornqvist and pretty much every current coach on campus. Seriously, UF is loaded with the best in the business.
In the Christmas spirit, we’ll give a few out to non-Gators as well such as jobs to Derek Dooley and other fired SEC coaches, green-painted fur for Nick Saban to complete his role as The Grinch, bionic legs to Marcus Lattimore and no more years of eligibility for underclassmen such as Johnny Manziel and Jadaveon Clowney.
MERRY CHRISTMAS GATORS!!!
This article first appeared in Gator Country’s December issue.