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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub & Grill' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
    house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he
    found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic
    message, "Genesis 3:10."

    Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins
    "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
    Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
     
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  2. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

    The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

    The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

    Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

    The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

    The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

    The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

    The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

    The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
     
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  3. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

    "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

    Jane explained to him what it was.

    Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

    Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

    She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

    "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."

    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

    Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

    Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
     
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  4. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
     
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  5. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A guy sits down in a Café and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
     
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  6. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    Greek History

    image1.JPG
    2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.

    In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

    At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

    Just thought I'd share this newfound knowledge with you. You are welcome.
     
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  7. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

    "Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"

    Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."

    "Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"

    "Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."
     
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  8. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Apr 14, 2007
    One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

    The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pope. To make it more interesting, the rabbi proposed to make speaking forbidden for the duration of the debate. The Pope accepted. On the big day, the Pope and the rabbi sat down at a table and the followers of both religions gathered around them.

    First, the Pope raised three fingers. Then the rabbi raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope drew a circle in the air while the rabbi pointed to the ground.

    Then, the Pope took out the bread and the wine. The rabbi answered by taking out an apple.

    The Pope, amazed, stood up from the table.

    'I give up' he said. 'You're too wise for me, rabbi. You and your fellow Jews can stay.'

    Later, the cardinals asked the Pope what he talked about with the rabbi.

    'First, I raised three fingers to remind him of the Holy Trinity. But he raised one finger to remind me there's only one God in both our religions. After that, I drew a circle in the air to show him God was everywhere around us. But he pointed to the ground to show that God is right here with us. Then I took out the sacramental bread and wine to show him God absolves us from our sins. However, he took out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer to everything, what could I possibly do?!'

    At the same time, the Jews asked the same question from the rabbi.

    'First, the Pope showed me we had three days to leave the city. But I made him understand that not even ONE Jew would leave. After that, he showed me around to say he'd cleanse the whole city from Jews. But I pointed to the ground, showing him that we'd stay right here.'

    'And then?' asked the Jews.

    The rabbi shrugged.

    'I don't know. He took out his lunch, and so did I.'
     
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  9. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    13879249_1652356188415142_2798439999294566381_n.jpg
     
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  10. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Apr 14, 2007
    One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

    Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

    So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

    For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.

    Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
     
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  11. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

    There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

    “Janie, do you have a story to share?”

    ‘Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

    ”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

    “Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
     
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  12. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Little Johnny raised his hand.

    The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said loudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word ‘fascinate’ in your sentence.”

    Little Johnny continued, “But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!”
     
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  13. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

    The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"
     
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  14. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An Irishman was drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
     
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  15. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

    The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

    Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

    The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

    Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

    “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

    Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
     
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  16. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    From: Kurt



    A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

    The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

    Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

    "I love you, sweetheart."

    Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and

    read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

    Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while,

    you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would

    reply in such a succinct and honest way?


    1. Who the hell is this?

    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

    4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

    5. I don't understand what you mean?

    6. What the hell did you do now?

    7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

    8. Am I dreaming?

    9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

    10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

    11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she!


    Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?

    ----------------------------
     
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  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Dec 18, 2007
    SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

    WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
    USER: cabbage

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than eight characters.
    USER: boiled cabbage


    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain one numerical character.
    USER: 1 boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
    USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
    USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
    USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
    USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow



    WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
     
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  18. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

    A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

    The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

    After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

    The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

    So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

    After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

    The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

    The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

    Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
     
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  19. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

    "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
     
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  20. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
     
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