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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub & Grill' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.

    Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

    The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

    A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual.

    Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

    The woman is amazed!

    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.

    He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

    The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.

    So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

    Amazingly, it also works on him!

    The woman sleeps very soundly.

    The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

    He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate.

    As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

    He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

    He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
     
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  2. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    13450200_1288320267864230_8302385602355423928_n.jpg
     
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  3. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flightjacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "are you a real pilot"?
    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
    The two sat sipping in silence.
    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
    "Are you a real pilot?"
    He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
     
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  4. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    From today's emails

    AN IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION


    'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


    The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven, but go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


    Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.


    'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


    This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


    'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


    'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'


    At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary...


    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.


    Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.


    The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


    The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply: 'No, Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
     
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  5. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    :p:p:p:p:p

    Verti is both an RC and a redhead
     
  6. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Physicist, mechanical engineer and a statistician go hunting:

    They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
     
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  7. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    oldie but goodie

    A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

    'About 32,' is the reply.'

    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

    Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

    'I was behind you at McDonalds'


    And that's a first down!
     
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  8. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face
    lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

    Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems.

    First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

    The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

    She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
     
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  9. rpmGator

    rpmGator GC Hall of Fame

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    How can you tell who is the blind man at the nudist colony.

    Everyone should get it because it isn't hard.
     
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  10. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Apr 14, 2007
    The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to share room with Kevin, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Kevin and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

    They said, "Man, what happened to you ?" He said, "Kev snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

    They said, "Man, what happened to you ? You look awful..!!" He said, 'Man, that Kevin shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older Biker, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed , looking fresh.

    "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

    They said, "Man, what happened ?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Kevin into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night on the lips...

    Kevin sat up and watched me all night..!!

    With age comes wisdom...!!!
     
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  11. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    These may have you scratch your head a little but once you figure the joke, you are sure to react as if you just saw the gold coin on your table even though it had been lying there the whole time.

    1. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    No, to whom.



    2. What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
    “Do these genes make me look fat?”



    3. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
    “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
    The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”



    4. A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
    The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.



    5. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!


    6. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says “make me one with everything.”
    The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
    “Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
    The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”



    7. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”



    8. Helium walks into a bar,
    The bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
    Helium doesn’t react.



    9. Two chemists go into a restaurant.
    The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.”
    The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too

    — and he died.



    10. What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
    “HeHe”



    11. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
    But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



    12. A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!!


    13. As I said before, I never repeat myself.


    14. I would make another chemistry joke but all good ones ARGON!


    15. The statement below is true. The statement above is false :/


    16. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!


    17. The Higgs Boson walks into a church.
    The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”
    The Higgs Boson says “but without me how can you have mass?”



    18. I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like..
    ..”OMg”



    19. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though
     
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  12. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

    After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

    The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

    The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

    “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

    The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

    The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

    The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

    Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
     
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  13. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

    While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

    The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
     
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  14. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...

    1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!
     
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  15. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

    The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

    With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

    The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial".

    "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch..."

    The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

    "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

    The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger."

    The father dialed the same number three more times, with increasingly furious responses. Finally he said, "Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

    He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"

    The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
     
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  16. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    From: The International Council of Man Laws.
    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legallykilled and eaten by his friends.
    4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is offlimits forever unless you actually marry her.
    5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge isforbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
    6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present foranother man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy'schoice.
    7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, notthe weakest.
    8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you mayask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who'splaying.
    9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought herto climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose offlatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially yourgirlfriend.
    10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you'resunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless modeland only when it's free.

    11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowedto kick another guy in the nuts.
    12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't seeanything.
    15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated asspies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability todrink as much as the other sports watchers.
    16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman mustremain sober enough to fight.
    17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice ofpizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
    21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longerthan you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.
    22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird andguilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussionoccurs about what a big mistake it was.
    23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptablefor her to drive yours.
    24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue..

    25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want forChristmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360.End of story.
    26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men'sGymnastics. Ever.
    27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do youreally know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
    'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'areyou still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
    'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guyssmelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping yourWifesquarely on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
    I hope this clears up any confusion,
    The International Council of Man Laws.
     
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  17. 3TimeChamps

    3TimeChamps Freshman

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    A man and his wife were having a nice afternoon lunch in the 19th hole at their country club when a drop dead gorgeous woman walks in and gives her husband a smile and a wink as she walks by. The wife asks her husband who that woman is and he replies "she is my mistress". The wife is furious and demands a divorce on the spot. The husband attempts to calm her down and reminds her that if they get divorced she will no longer receive beautiful jewelry, new cars, fancy clothes and live in the lap of luxury she enjoys now. The wife calms down and contemplates what her husband has just said. As she is looking around thinking about this new information, her husband's best friend walks into the 19th hole with a woman hanging all over him. It is obviously not his wife. She asks her husband who that floozy is with his best friend and he replies " that is his mistress". The wife thinks for a second and responds.... "ours is prettier!"
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
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  18. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    10492596_657390721019557_7716423312469166426_n.jpg
     
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  19. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
    The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.The Bishop fainted.
    He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.The Bishop was buried the next day.
    The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.

    So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
     
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  20. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Dec 18, 2007
    The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."
     
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