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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub & Grill' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
    "Hey, bud, how are ya?"

    "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

    "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

    "No way, how could that be?"

    "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
    "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

    "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

    So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

    The guy says, "Damn! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
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  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
    His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
    One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
    robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

    It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
    home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why
    are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
    'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
    project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slappe
    Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
    'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
    you really were after school.'
    'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
    'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.'
    answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
    knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat
    down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex
    Queen.'
    'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
    never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and
    delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
    Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
    ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
    your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and
    knocked her out of her chair!!
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
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  3. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A local barber shop installed a new robotic barber to take some of the pressure off of him.

    A fellow came in for a haircut and after being told
    about the "new barber" decided he would give it a try.
    As the robot began to cut his hair, it asked the man,
    "What's your IQ?"

    The man replied, "140." So the robot preceded to make
    conversation about physics, astronomy, investments,
    insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said
    "This is really cool."

    Later another man who was waiting for a haircut
    stepped up to the robot's chair, sat down and the
    robot asked him before beginning his haircut, "What's your IQ?"

    The man replied "100." So the robot started talking
    about football, baseball, and so on. This man
    too thought to himself "Wow! This is really cool."

    Next, a third man stepped up to the robot's chair,
    seated himself and the robot, as with the others,
    asked him "What's your IQ?"

    The man replied "50."

    The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats
    are really excited about Hilary running for president?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
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  4. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. It discovered no signs of ESPN, beer, porn. Clearly, men are not from Mars.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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  5. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.

    Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder’s message to the Moon.

    Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Elder’s message to the Moon said,
    "Watch out for these f**kers: they have come to steal your land."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  6. fastsix

    fastsix Premium Member

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    Why are there no cats on Mars?












    Curiosity.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  7. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  8. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An old lady gets pulled over.

    The cop walks up and asks her for her license and registration, and being the responsible citizen she says "Officer, please note I also have a concealed carry permit."

    The cop, amused that this 78 year old woman is packing heat, asks "Oh? Are you carrying right now?"

    "Yes sir I am, I have a .40 caliber Glock on my hip and a 9mm M&P in the door here."

    Taken aback, the cop asks: "Uh, wow... anything else?!"

    "Well I've got a shotgun in the trunk, a .44 magnum under my seat, and six reloads for each in the glove box."

    "Jesus Christ Ma'am, what are you so afraid of?" he exclaims.

    Looking him dead in the eye, she calmly states: "Not a damn thing."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Samantha married Ted and they had 13 children. Ted died.


    She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.


    Samantha remarried again, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Samantha finally dies, after having 25 children.


    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.


    He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said:


    "Lord, they are finally together."


    Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,


    "Margaret, do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"


    Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel."
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  10. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And that's how the fight started...
     
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  11. mamag8ter

    mamag8ter VIP Member

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    NO!!!!
     
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  12. mamag8ter

    mamag8ter VIP Member

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    Irish compassion:
    >>>>>> Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
    >>>>>>
    >>>>>> "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
    >>>>>>
    >>>>>> When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
    >>>>>>
    >>>>>> Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
    >>>>>>
     
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  13. mamag8ter

    mamag8ter VIP Member

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    A Poem - by Willie Nelson

    My nookie days are over,
    My pilot light is out.
    What used to be my pride and joy,
    Is now my water spout.


    Time was when, on its own accord,
    From my trousers it would spring.
    But now I've got a full time job,
    To find the friggin thing.


    It used to be embarrassing,
    The way it would behave.
    For every single morning,
    It would stand and watch me shave.


    Now as old age approaches,
    It sure gives me the blues.
    To see it hang its little head,
    And watch me tie my shoes!!
     
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  14. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.


    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”


    After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband. “Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.

    ”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three regular Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    Kurt sent me this this am:

    Gynecologist's Assistant:

    A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Manhattan and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

    Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

    The clerk pulled up the file and read;

    "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

    The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to Memphis, Tennessee."

    "Good grief," the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

    "No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  16. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you.

    He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

    Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Reasons for Sensitivity Training

    • I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

    • The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

    • Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

    • The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

    • A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

    • I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

    • My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

    • The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.


     
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  18. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
    The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

    The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

    Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
     
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  19. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
    Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
    One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
    "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
    The two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
    The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
    Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
    "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
     
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  20. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

    The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’

    ‘Eight’, the boy replied.

    The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’

    The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”

    “Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.

    “Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
     
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