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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona:


    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


    WELL DONE.


    NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    WAS GETTING THE WIFE INTO GOLF A GOOD THING


    Ex-Jarhead’s first few weeks of retirement were wonderful. Up early every morning, he left his DW still sleeping and headed for the club to meet his buddies for a round of golf. But as time went by, he began to notice a disturbing trend.
    Each day when he got back from playing, DW had a list of “honey do’s” waiting for him. As the weeks went by, the list grew longer and more demanding, even though Jarhead worked every afternoon on all the tasks assigned him. Jarhead could see that if this contiued his retirement dream of golf and more golf would soon fade away. After giving it some thought, he approached DW with a suggestion he hoped would divert her from continuing to add to what he had begun to regard as ‘the list from Hell’.

    “Honey,” said Jarhead, “I think you need a hobby. You know I how much I enjoy golf and I think you would really like it too. Why don’t you take some lessons from the club pro and see if you have as much fun as I do out on the fairways.”

    So she did. And after a few weeks of taking lessons, when Jarhead got up at the crack of dawn to head for the club, DW also climbed out of bed and started getting dressed. “What are you doing up so early?” he asked. “I’m going to play golf with you” she replied.

    Jarhead didn’t know what to say. Realizing he had put himself in this situation, he decided to just try to make the best of it and off they went.

    On the way to the club, Jarhead pulled into a strip mall and parked the car. “What are you doing?” asks DW. “I’m just going to run into this bakery for a minute” was his reply. He returned to the car with six loaves of fresh wheat bread. DW smiled and they continued to the club.

    Jarhead was pleasantly surprised to find his DW was not a bad golfer, considering she’d only had a few lessons. But by the third hole, it was obvious there was a problem. She was s-l-o-w. The guys in the foursome behind them were beginning to get agitated and Jarhead knew he needed to find a way to speed up play.

    As they approached the fourth tee, Jarhead said, “Honey, why don’t you go on ahead to the ladies tee while I hit my ball. That will help speed things up a bit.” So while she walked on, Jarhead teed up his ball, took a huge swing, and sliced the ball dead center into the back of DW’s head, knocking her unconscious face down on the ground.

    After calling 911 and having EMS transport her to the emergency room, Jarhead sat patiently, waiting for an update on her condition. Finally, the doctor came out to speak to him.
    “Sir, your wife has a severe concussion as a result of the blow to the back of her head. It appears she will be OK, but we want to keep her overnight for observation.”

    Jarhead was visibly relieved by this news and thanked the physician.

    “One more thing.” said the doctor. “We were somewhat puzzled by discovering a golf ball embedded in your wife’s rectum. Can you explain that?”

    “Oh, sure” replied Jarhead. “That was my Mulligan.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  3. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    GOLFING NUN


    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

    'I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid flight."

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
    And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the damned putt, didn't you?"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2016
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  4. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    Years ago, when I was still an entertainer, mostly it the Catskill mountains, I would have to sometimes work two shows on a weekend night.

    I would get home at about 5:00 AM, which was my usual time. ..

    I'd quietly get undressed, and lay down in bed, next to my wife, which was my usual place. .. And, in a final show of affection, I would pull my wife close to me, and she would utter these words that I'll never, ever forget. ..

    "IZZAT YOU?":rolleyes::rolleyes::mad:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

    Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

    Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

    Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

    Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

    ‘Nope’ she replies.

    ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.

    To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  6. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.”

    The husband said, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ass?”

    She replied, "Your name never came up."
     
    • Like Like x 2
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  7. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.

    He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this damn badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

    "Your badge, show him your damn BADGE!!"
     
    • Like Like x 3
  8. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in.

    The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realize that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task. And then it happens, "QUACK!" Friends Two and Three look over in shock as Friend One steps on a duck. Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen. "Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of your time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity." The angel shackles the two together and flies off.

    After seeing what happened to Friend One, the other two are more wary of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly. The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud "QUACK" is heard. Friend Two looks to Friend Three, wide-eyed, fearing the worst. The angel rushes over, ties Friend Two to a hideous being, and flies away.

    The third friend, now petrified that this will be his fate, becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere. He lasts one week, two weeks, but on the beginning of the third week, an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people the friend has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off. Bewildered and excited, Friend Three proclaims, "Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" And the person the friend is shackled to turns and replies "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!"
     
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  9. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Three blondes walk into a police station looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

    He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."

    He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."

    He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"

    The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  10. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"
     
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  11. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

    The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

    "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

    The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

    "I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

    "Holy smokes!" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

    "In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

    Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

    "Is that what they call it now?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. RayGator

    RayGator Moderator VIP Member

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    My sister-in-law sent me that in an email some time ago. I thought it was funny then and I thought it was funny again now just now reading it in your post. :)
     
    • Disagree Disagree x 1
  13. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    This lady I know had a pane of glass surgically inserted between her upper thighs!

    She said that all her life, she always wanted a womb with a view. :rolleyes:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?

    Gladiator.
     
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  15. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    :p:p:p:p:p
     
  16. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    The difference between granfathers and Grandmothers.......

    a Grandfather was in the habit of taking his 7 year old granddaughter out every Saturday morning....

    he would take her out to breakfast, they would have pancakes, then they would either go to the park or to the zoo, then stop for some ice cream on the way home..

    One weekend, the little girl's grandfather had a terrible cold, and couldn't take his granddaughter out on their usual Saturday outing, so her Grandmother happily volunteered to take Grandpa's place....

    They went out to the same places..for Pancakes, to the zoo, and for ice cream....

    When they got back to the house, the little girl ran upstairs to her Grandfather, to see how he was feeling...

    He asked her "Did you have a good time with your grandmother?"

    The little girl replied, "Not really, Pop-Pop..... We didn't see ANY morons, assholes, left-wing liberals, muslim towelheads, idiot drivers, dipshits, or ANYTHING!!!!.... All Grandma did was smile and wave at everybody and drove REAL SLOW!! I didn't have much fun at all. Not like I do when I'm out with you"
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2016
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  17. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    This is a conversation between a man and his new girlfriend.


    Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions, which he answered quite simply.
    She is speechless after answering only one question.

    Critical Thinking At Its Very Best!:

    Woman:

    Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes.

    Woman:

    How many beers a day?

    Man:

    Usually about 3.

    Woman:

    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man:

    $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).

    Woman:

    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:

    Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.

    Woman:

    So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

    Man:

    Correct.

    Woman:

    If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?

    Man:

    Correct.

    Woman:

    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:

    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:

    No.

    Man:

    Where's your Ferrari?
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  18. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

    While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

    St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

    The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

    “Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

    “Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

    St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

    “OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
     
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  19. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

     
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  20. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
    He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
    One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
    The man agreed and said to the car... Car, go and bring my children from school.
    The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
    Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
    He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
    As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
    The car parked right in front of them and said... "These are your children sir..!"
    In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbours two sons.
    The Wife in full anger said Don't tell me all these are your children..??
    The man asked her calmly... First you tell me why our children are not in the car ??
     
    • Funny Funny x 2