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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub & Grill' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. mamag8ter

    mamag8ter VIP Member

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    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10—inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl every night.

    Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69—year—old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23—year—old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10—inch black and white TV.

    Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
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    • Best Post Ever Best Post Ever x 1
  2. flgator2

    flgator2 Premium Member

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    A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket: one dozen large eggs, one pound of honey ham, one box of brownie mix, one twelve pack of soda, two pounds of coffee, and one-half gallon of butter milk.

    As she was placing her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk boldly stated, “You must be single."

    The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunk’s prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

    Curiously, she said, "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?"

    The drunk slurred, "‘because you're ugly as sin. "
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  3. flgator2

    flgator2 Premium Member

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    A Montana senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing, " he thought as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Montana State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this! "and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

    The old gentleman then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Montana State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  4. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes,

    "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"

    "Almost every night!!?????"

    "Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
    "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

    "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

    "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

    Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

    "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
    "He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

    "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
    "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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  7. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    :p:p:p
     
  8. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    945289_10153340211435665_1891628103251290742_n.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 2
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  9. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    305534_451031801618049_302538662_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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  10. grayg8rstevo

    grayg8rstevo Premium Member

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    A lady is,out walking her pet pig. A man cones up and says..who's the pig?
    The lady answers...that's Seymour, my pet pig.
    The man says...I wasn't talking to you.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A man sits down on a park bench and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old." The man asks, "How did he do that? Did he eat a lot of chocolate too?" The boy replies with, "No, he minded his own damn business."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  12. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A man is sitting with this wife and she says "Really! Really!!! You forgot our anniversary? The man realizes to late he is caught. The wife continues "I better have something in that driveway out there tomorrow that can go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds or I am done with you. The next morning the wife finds a small package with a bow in the driveway and opens it. Inside she finds a scale...the man was never heard from again.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  13. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of

    298 km/sec (the speed of light) it would theoretically be possible for

    you to screw yourself.

    However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at

    your age, you can easily accomplish the same result by

    Voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016, election.
     
    • Funny x 3
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    • Wish I would have said that x 1
  14. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

    Do you know why New Yorkers are always so negative and depressed ?

    Their "Light at The End of The Tunnel is NEW JERSEY"!!!:eek::eek::):cool::p
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  15. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me ?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !'

    The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

    The frog said, 'What, are you nuts ? Didn't you hear what I said ?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said

    'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  16. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had – the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in. After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

    She said...."Who was that guy?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  17. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."

    The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"

    Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"

    President asks, "Why not?"

    Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

    "In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

    The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.

    " Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."

    The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  19. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    A golfer hit his ball into a garden next to the golf course. As he went to get it, the home owner said: "Don't you see the sign?

    It says 'Private property - Stay Out!'"


    The golfer replied: "I'm sorry, I didn't see it. That's my ball over
    there. May I have it, please?"

    The man said: "It's in my garden and so it's my ball now."

    The golfer looked at the him and said: "I think I understand."

    He walked back to the golf cart, got another golf ball, then walked
    back and threw it into the garden.

    The home owner asked: "Now what did you do that for?"

    The golfer replied:
    "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls.”
     
    • Like Like x 2
  20. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

    I went golfing for the first time in a few years. ...

    When I got into the clubhouse, some "friends" asked me how my game went. ..

    I told them that the best two balls I hit was when I stepped on a rake in the sandtrap!:eek::mad:
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1