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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub & Grill' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gatormonk

    gatormonk GC Hall of Fame

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    My neighbor has schizophrenia. But he's good people.
     
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  2. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    To all of my neighbors in my area - I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
     
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  3. biggynugs

    biggynugs All American

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    Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

    because he wanted to get a long little doggy.
     
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  4. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    A Little Christmas Story............
    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
    toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
    per-Christmas pressure.
    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
    stressed Santa even more.
    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
    about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
    heaven knows where.
    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
    the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
    of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk
    all the cider and hidden the liquor...
    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
    door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
    Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
    Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
    you like me to stick it?'
    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
    Christmas tree......
     
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  5. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    A Poem - by Willie Nelson
    My nookie days are over,
    My pilot light is out.
    What used to be my pride and joy,
    Is now my water spout.
    Time was when, on its own accord,
    From my trousers it would spring.
    But now I've got a full time job,
    To find the friggin thing.
    It used to be embarrassing,
    The way it would behave.
    For every single morning,
    It would stand and watch me shave.
    Now as old age approaches,
    It sure gives me the blues.
    To see it hang its little head,
    And watch me tie my shoes!!
     
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  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The Agony of Dyslexia

    After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

    He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

    I said to him: "You idiot!" "You're supposed to turn your clock back!



    Who's Penis Is it?

    Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
    suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
    his head and passes the three women.

    He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
    husband," she says.

    He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
    "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

    He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
    "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."



    What do you call a bloke with a 1 inch penis
    Justin
     
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  7. dadx4

    dadx4 GC Hall of Fame

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    What's brown and sticky?






    A stick...
     
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  8. dadx4

    dadx4 GC Hall of Fame

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    If your woman is coming at you with a knife.

    Run through the kitchen and throw bread, mustard and ham at her and her natural instincts will take over. :)
     
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  9. gatorfan5220

    gatorfan5220 Premium Member

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    My winning entry in a limerick contest we had on this site some 10-15 years ago:

    There once was a girl from Kentucky.
    Who played with an old rubber ducky.
    She was only 16.
    And then Charlie Sheen,
    Took the place of the duck and got lucky.
     
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  10. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  11. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled.

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
    He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%. A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

    The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir," said the Private, "If there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."

    The room fell silent
     
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  12. gatormonk

    gatormonk GC Hall of Fame

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    My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

    We'll see about that...
     
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  13. docspor

    docspor GC Hall of Fame

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    interesting, I clicked to post my fav joke & found this related post.

    Q. What is the last thing a woman wants to hear after giving Willie Nelson a Blowjob?





    A. I'm not Willie Nelson.
     
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  14. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Good one docspor! Sounds like you should be on my email joke list. If you want on, pm me with the address. Just know, I censor nothing...
     
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  15. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    THE ONLY WALMART INTERVIEW YOU NEED TO HEAR!!!!
    Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart in Alabama, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stackof 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and askthem only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
    The day came and as the four sataround the conference room table, Jennifer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”
    The first man replied, “A THOUGHT.. It just pops into your head. There's no warning.”
    “That's very good!” replied Jennifer. “And, now you sir?” she asked the second man.
    “Hmmm....let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’”
    “Excellent!” said Jennifer. “The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.” She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
    “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”
    Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” she said.
    Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
    Old Bubba replied,
    “After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”
    “WHAT?” said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
    “Oh sure,” said BUBBA. “You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.”
    BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
    You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
    This won't show in anyone els
     
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  17. dadx4

    dadx4 GC Hall of Fame

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    Some dirty jokes:

    When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

    Can we play zombies? You lay down and scream while I eat you.

    What did Cinderella say to Pinocchio when she sat on his face? Tell me a lie, tell me the truth, tell me a lie, tell me the truth, tell me a lie...

    Do you like BBQ? Great because I am going to slap this beef across your grill.

    A guy asks his blonde girlfriend to stick her head out the window to see if the blinker is working... She says, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2022
  18. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    I haven't had the flu all winter
    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
    She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea....
    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
    The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
    'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
    'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
    The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease...
    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
     
  19. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator VIP Member

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    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
    When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
    I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
    "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
     
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  20. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator Moderator VIP Member

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    Renting Out a Room
    Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
    After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." , "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." , "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." , That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
    The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimming gear or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
    Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area.
    Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
    Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
    "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
    "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" , "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." , "Yes, said Fred, I have, but the rest of the darts team hadn't.