Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.
Van Halen approves.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Today, I went to the Kennedy Space Center and had to deal with an ignorant fool who thought that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon.
He was the first man to moon somebody.
Are my testicles black?
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband. “Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.
”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three regular Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.
"Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.
"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organ."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle fing
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a health and safety course given to us old fogies. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what kind of steps would you take?”
“F#@king big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.
I know I am getting older. The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
If you want to never buy a drink again, walk into a bar and wager anyone to name the first THREE people to walk on the moon. No one can ever come up with Pete Conrad's name.
A Minnesnowta joke from the old daze.
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
This summer, I’m going to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Try Again" on them.
I'm as bored as an Amish electrician
Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.
If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required!
Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier.
If this keeps up, I'll be pouring wine in my cereal!
Today's Weather? Room temperature
30 Days Hath September, April, June and November
All the rest have 31, except March which had 8000
Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.
Now weeds legal and schools closed, damn kids are livin' the dream!
This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
If you get an email with the subject: Knock, Knock - don't open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside.
I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them.
Now I understand dogs.
Day 45 of social isolation and it's looking like Vegas in my house:
We're losing money by the minute.
Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.
Nobody knows what time it is.
I'm going to build a still and make a vaccine called 'Immuneshine'