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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    Questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now .


    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A, Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


    WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! KEEP ON LAUGHING ‘TIL THE END!
     
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  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

    1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

    2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

    3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

    4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

    5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

    6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

    7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

    9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

    10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

    11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

    12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will ? What Will ? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

    13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind?

    A maybee.


    What do you call a pig who knows karate?

    A pork chop.

    Is this thing on????
     
    • Like Like x 2
  4. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    79026891_10206824995301370_2772319527491338240_n.jpg
     
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  5. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    76689014_2569325096439434_6489811741646520320_n.jpg
     
  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Telephone message,

    "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


    My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.


    Frustration is trying to
    find your glasses without your glasses.


    The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.


    God made man before
    woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.


    I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.


    Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

    Aspire to inspire before you expire.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

    Wandering about, he notices a young lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
    on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

    Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more
    around here?”

    Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!,"
    says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
    it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious
    at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”

    Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
    the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

    Moral of This Story :

    Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and
    experience.
     
    • Like Like x 1
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  8. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?


    A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a

    priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and

    face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat

    pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me

    Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting

    with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow

    man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned

    to his paper

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

    apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How

    long have you had arthritis?"

    The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here

    that the Pope suffers from it."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Confucius for Adults.

    OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

    Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.

    Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

    Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

    Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.

    Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

    Viagra just like Disneyland ......One hour wait for 2-minute ride..

    Joke is just like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.

    Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick, and it's gone forever.

    Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.

    Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.

    Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

    It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it..

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

    A Lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
     
    • Like Like x 2
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  10. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    A little pre-Christmas story to start your holiday activities!


    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree .


    Not a lot of people know this. Ho ho ho!!!
     
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  11. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Naughty Night Before Christmas

    Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
    The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
    The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
    It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

    Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
    Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
    When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
    That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.

    Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
    Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
    The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
    Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.
    With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
    A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

    Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
    And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
    Whoa Sh*thead, whoa A$$hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
    Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

    Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
    Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
    They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
    Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

    And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
    As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
    I was donning my jacket to cover my a$$,
    When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

    His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
    He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
    "That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
    "The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."

    He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
    Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
    I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
    The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

    Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
    But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
    The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
    The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.

    A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, \
    And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
    A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
    And several other things I shouldn't even mention.

    A f^ck ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
    A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
    "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh*t,
    So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."

    He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
    With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.
    He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
    Thus he fell on his a$$ and broke wind instead.

    In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
    Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
    The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
    "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  13. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A Jewish Christmas

    The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

    "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

    Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
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  14. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    XMAS JOKES


    1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

    2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

    3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

    4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

    6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

    7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

    8. Q: Do you know why Santa doesn't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney ...

    9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

    10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

    11. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

    12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

    13. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

    WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

    1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

    2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

    3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

    4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

    5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

    6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

    7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

    8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

    9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.



    10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

    • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
    • 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
    • 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
    • 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
    • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
    • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
    • 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
    • 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
    • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
    • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
    Tragedy begets comedy

    Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

    The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

    The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

    The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

    Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

    The third man answered "They're Carol's."

    10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

    • 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
    • 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
    • 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
    • 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
    • 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
    • 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
    • 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
    • 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
    • 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
    • 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

    The Top 15 Reindeer Games

    • 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
    • 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
    • 13> Spin the Salt Lick
    • 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
    • 11> Moose or Dare
    • 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
    • 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
    • 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
    • 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
    • 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
    • 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
    • 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
    • 3> Elf Tossing
    • 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

      and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
    • 1> The "Rudolph the S#&tfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

    SANTA'S PICK UP LINES

    • I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
    • Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
    • Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
    • Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
    • I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
    • Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
    • Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
    • That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!
     
  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Office Party

    John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
    After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
    "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
    "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
    "He`s an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
    "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
    "Well, screw him!" said John.
    "I did. You`re back at work on Monday.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    And the choir (of husbands) say "Amen".
     
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  18. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    RANDOM OBSERVATIONS


    When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

    To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

    When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.


    Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
    Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

    Cop: "Please step out of the car."
    Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

    I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

    I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

    Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as
    a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

    If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to
    you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

    When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing,"
    it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

    Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

    I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days,
    but whatever.

    I run like the winded.

    I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
    beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

    When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint
    and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

    I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that
    I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells
    me it was awesome.

    When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like
    a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

    I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
    things and get really excited.

    When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."


    It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

    Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
    Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

    That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns
    you into a karate master.

    Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta
    nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.
    We call those people cops.

    The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
    My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

    She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

    Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

    "Fine, thank you." He responded, and turned back to his book.

    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" She asked.

    "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago." He replied and turned back to his book.

    "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely." She countered.

    ”Do you live around here?" She asked.

    "Yes, I live over in Jaffa." He answered, and again he resumed reading.

    Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,

    "Do you like pussy cats?"

    With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

    When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man. "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

    The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Creative Creative x 1
  20. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator VIP Member

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    Aug 31, 2007
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    • Funny Funny x 4