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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
    Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
    Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
    Who would know if he touched them?
    He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
    What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
    Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
    When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
    When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
    Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
    "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
    "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
    "MEN NEVER LISTEN"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  2. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    67436282_10206324844917923_8170740453855985664_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Creative Creative x 1
  3. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

    When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

    She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

    Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

    She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.

    Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.

    In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

    Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.

    "What happened?!" she asked, running to him.

    He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Best Post Ever Best Post Ever x 1
  4. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    67201945_742613442864567_3708565382328483840_n-1.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  5. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    "Why Women Are Crabby!"

    We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

    Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

    Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

    Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

    Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain, all the way to the ER.

    Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

    After that, it was time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

    Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

    When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

    So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

    Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

    So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.
     
  6. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  7. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    THE PERFECT HUSBAND
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." ; MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  8. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    DIPLOMA!
    A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy.
    Each time she put something in the basket she would say, 'And here's something for you, Diploma.' or 'This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma.' and so on.
    Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, 'Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?'
    The grandmother replied, 'Well, I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!'
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  9. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator VIP Member

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    Four fonts walk into a bar.......the bartender yells, "Get out, we don't let your type in here!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  10. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

    "You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  11. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    67342312_2245159692270128_169654339223158784_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  12. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    • Funny Funny x 2
  13. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A father told each of his 3 sons, as he sent them off to college, "I feel
    it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not
    owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token,
    please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

    And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very
    successful financially.

    When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin,
    they remembered. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of
    the deceased. Next, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp
    $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket,
    took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's
    coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    I took my 8-year old daughter to the office with me on "Take your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she started crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  16. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
    What do you call a floating dog?
    A good buoy!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A Jamaican man stormed into my wife's hairdresser shop and demanded she give him a new style.
    She's dreading it.
     
  18. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Dec 12, 2013
    Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
    From the second hand store.
     
  19. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Dec 12, 2013
    I just watched a video of a drill.
    It was a bit boring.
     
  20. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Dec 12, 2013
    Two wind turbines were on a date. One said to the other "what type of music do you like?"
    upload_2019-8-7_10-13-44.png
    The other replied "I'm a huge metal fan".
     
    • Like Like x 1