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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
    He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'


    'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

    The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'

    The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

    The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

    Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'


    The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

    The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
  3. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    "Well, I've got some bad news for you," says the doctor. "Your wife has Alzheimer's and AIDS. So, if she finds her way home, don't make love to her!"
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!

    The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

    A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

    The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.


    A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

    After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  5. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    a comet heading for Earth
    Four nuns find out that the pope will be visiting their church. ...

    They all get very nervous, and stand in line as the Pontiff enters...

    The first nun approaches, kisses the popes ring, and says; "Your Excellency, I must confess. . I had a weak moment in the flesh."

    "What did you do, my daughter?"

    The 1st nun replied; "I saw a man's private parts, and in my weakness, I couldn't help myself. .. I just had to poke it with my finger."

    The pope, shocked, told the 1st nun; "Go dip your finger in the Holy water, and you will be forgiven"

    The 2nd nun,comes up,does the same sort of ritual as the first, kisses the ring,and also confesses; "Your Excellency, I, too had a weak moment in the flesh, but I was a little bolder , I saw a man's private parts, and I held the whole thing in my hand!" Again, the pope told the nun; "Daughter, your WHOLE Hand? Nevertheless, go and dip your whole hand into the Holy water, and your sins will be forgiven. "

    As the 3rd nun started to approach the pope, the 4th nun grabbed her by the back of her habit, and stepped up in front of the 3rd nun. The pope, seeing this action, asks the 4th nun, who was now standing in front of him "Daughter! Why did you do that, pulling your fellow sister back like that so you could get to see me sooner than her?"

    The 4th nun replied; "With all due respect, your Excellency, but if I'm going to have to gargle with that holy water, I'm gonna do BEFORE she dips her ass in it! "
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  6. GatorGrowl

    GatorGrowl Forum Admin Moderator VIP Member GC Staff

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    Police Stop

    John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

    Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

    So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

    And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

    Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

    Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

    The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

    Jessica replied, "Only when he's drunk."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  7. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An American tourist stopped at a local restaurant while wandering around Madrid:

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

    The waiter replied, "Si, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

    The American said, "I will have the same please."

    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow morning and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

    The following day the American returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    a comet heading for Earth
    Did you ever stop to think that the world has a population of over FIVE BILLION people???

    That means that if your lady tells you that you're one in a million, she's really saying that there are over FIVE THOUSAND more like you!!!!:rolleyes::eek::)
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. GatorGrowl

    GatorGrowl Forum Admin Moderator VIP Member GC Staff

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    Railroad Accident

    In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

    At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

    "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

    "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

    "How's that?" the lawyer asked.

    "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Apr 14, 2007
    A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

    "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
  11. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

    He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her.

    'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

    'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

    'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

    The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?"

    The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging the hole, the other girl filling it in again.


    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in your work, but I don't get it? Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"


    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
    When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    "Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

    The blonde nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

    "No, from skipping."
     
  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
    The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

    The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my a$$hole bleached!"

    To which the first replies, "Whoa, ......I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
     
  16. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .
    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  18. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
    The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
    The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
    The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin , I am.”
    The first one responds, “So am I!”
    “Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
    The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
    The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
    The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.” The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
    The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”
    The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”
    About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
    Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
    Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
    “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Winner Winner x 1
  19. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    Sensitivity Training Needed


    1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


    2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.


    3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


    4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


    5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


    6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


    7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


    8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


    9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."


    10. WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  20. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
     
    • Like Like x 1