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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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  2. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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  3. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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  4. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like:
    "I'm tired"
    "I have a headache"
    "I have to wash my hair tonight"
    "I'm your sister-in-law"
     
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  5. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator Ever Vigilant Psycho Mod Moderator VIP Member "Cook Shack Chef"

    Jewish Q&A's....

    Q; How can you tell if a Jewish housewife has an orgasm?
    A; She drops her nail file.

    Q; What's the difference between a jewish housewife and a bowl of Jello?
    A; Jello shakes when you eat it.

    Multiple choice question....

    What's a Jewish housewife's favorite wine?

    A; I wanna go to Miami.
    B; I want a mink coat
    C; I want a new Mercedes
    D; I have migraine
    E; All of the above
     
  6. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    When chemists die, they barium.
     
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  7. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. (Had an Indian pull this one on me just a few weeks ago!)

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble

    Broken pencils are pointless

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Don t worry about old age; it doesn't last.
     
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  8. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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  9. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator Ever Vigilant Psycho Mod Moderator VIP Member "Cook Shack Chef"

    Four nuns find out that the Pope will be visiting their church. ...

    They all get very nervous, and stand in line as the Pontiff enters...

    The first nun approaches, kisses the Pope's ring, and says; "Your Excellency, I must confess. . I had a weak moment in the flesh."

    "What did you do, my daughter?"

    The 1st nun replied; "I saw a man's penis, and in my weakness, I couldn't help myself. .. I just had to poke it with my finger."

    The Pope, shocked, told the 1st nun; "Go dip your finger in the Holy water, and you will be forgiven"

    The 2nd nun,comes up,does the same sort of ritual as the first, kisses the ring,and also confesses; "Your Excellency, I, too had a weak moment in the flesh, but I was a little bolder , "Your Excellency, I too saw a man's penis, and I held the whole thing in my hand!"

    Again, the Pope told the nun; "Daughter, your WHOLE Hand? Nevertheless, go and dip your whole hand into the Holy water, and your sins will be forgiven. "

    As the 3rd nun started to approach the Pope, the 4th nun grabbed her by the back of her habit, and stepped up in front of the 3rd nun. The Pope, seeing this action, asks the 4th nun, who was now standing in front of him
    "Daughter!", He said, "Why did you do that, pulling your fellow sister back like that so you could get to see me sooner than her?"

    The 4th nun replied; "With all due respect, your Excellency, but if I'm going to have to gargle with that holy water, I'm gonna do BEFORE she has to dip her ass in it!

    And, the Pope fainted.
     
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  10. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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  11. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.
    A lady stood up and came forward.
    She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
    You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
    She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
    Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
    She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
    All the men sighed with relief.
    The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
    A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
    He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
     
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  12. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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  13. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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  14. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    A man and his wife are playing golf. He goes to tee off, and his wife says, I'll go and wait by the ladies tee. So, she goes there, and the man proceeds to tee off. The ball screams down the course, and hits the wife in the head and kills her. They, of course take her to the ME's office and do an autopsy, to confirm that was the cause of death. After the autopsy was complete, a detective comes to interview the husband. He said, sir we have confirmed that the golf ball to the head was the cause of death. But, they also found something really strange. Your wife had a golf ball in her rectum. The husband says, oh, that was my mulligan.
    @unclenunzio @jewood592 @albertasdad
    I hope your wives don't play golf.
     
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  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    GOLF SIGN ADVICE


    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona:


    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


    WELL DONE.


    NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
     
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  16. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

    'I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid flight."

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
    And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the God damned putt, didn't you?"
     
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  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she
    told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
    hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

    He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
     
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  18. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

    Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"

    "No, I guess not," says God.

    The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

    Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, "Why did you let him do that?"

    To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
     
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  19. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator Ever Vigilant Psycho Mod Moderator VIP Member "Cook Shack Chef"

    Bob gets up early one Saturday morning, grabs his golf clubs, and says to his wife; "See you later, honey".
    She quickly yells to him; "Bob, where do you think you're going?.. You promised me that you were going to do those chores you promised!"
    Bob replied; "Honey, I'm just going to play a quick round with Fred
    She... I'll be home by 2:30, and do the chores." and he quickly leaves.

    Well, 2:30 comes and goes...then 3:00, 4:00, and Bob's wife starts getting pretty irate.
    5:00, 6:00, 7:00 passes, and by now, she's fuming!

    Bob finally walks in the door at 8:30. His wife runs up, points her finger in his face, and says; "Where in the hell have you been?? It's 8:30 at night!
    Bob says; "Honey, I told you... I was playing golf with Fred!"
    She says; "The hell you were!... I was talking to Fred's wife... She told me that Fred died today!.. So what's your frigging excuse now?"

    Bob replied; "Honey, Do you have any idea how long it takes to play 18 holes of golf when you have to hit the ball, drag Fred....hit the ball,.drag Fred."
     
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  20. jewood592

    jewood592 VIP Member

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    I’ll be telling this joke often. That’s funny stuff :)
     
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