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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    FREE SEX IN GEORGIA: A MOVING STORY

    A gas station owner in Georgia was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read: "Free Sex with Fill-Up, just guess the right number between 1 and 10."

    Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his Free Sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his Free Sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No Free Sex this time."

    A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no Free Sex this time."

    As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away Free Sex."

    Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  2. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
    ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
    There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
    "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
    She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
    ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
    ...."Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

    ....I love these touching stories !!!
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  3. etennant

    etennant Premium Member

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    Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.


    He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'


    Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'


    St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'


    Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.


    A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?'


    'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'


    'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'


    'Never,' said Ed.

    'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'


    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.


    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....


    "Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  4. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    A man said to his wife, "How can you be so beautiful and so stupid?"
    The wife replied, "God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and He made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. rivergator

    rivergator Too Hot Mod Moderator

    Apr 8, 2007
    A young ventriloquist was traveling through Cajun country and stopped to entertain at the Hubba Hubba. He was going through his usual dumb Cajun jokes routine when Boudreau stood up and said in a threatening manner, “Look you! I done jus’ abot had enuff o’ dem stooped Cajun jokes, yeah me! We ain’t all ignorant here in Lusianna, no!”
    “I’m very sorry, sir,” said the young ventriloquist. “I meant no harm and certainly didn’t mean to offend you!”
    “Shut up an’ stay outta dis, you!” shouted Boudreau. “Dis here ‘tween me an’ dat lil smawt alek sittin’ on ya knee dere!”
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Fistbump/Thanks! Fistbump/Thanks! x 1
  6. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
    A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What's the height of conceit?
    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What is a Yankee?
    A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
    A. About three inches.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A . They don't have balls to scratch!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Dec 12, 2013
    MATH LESSONS

    A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

    "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

    Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."

    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

    "Yes," he answered.

    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  9. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Gators got that Rama Jama...'ooooooh' 'aaaaaaah'
     
  10. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
    Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

    Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a
    child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
    stay like that.

    Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t
    warned.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  11. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Dec 18, 2007
    It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

    The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

    The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"



    Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." .



    The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

    What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"



    Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."



    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.



    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"



    "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."



    The teacher fainted...
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  13. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

    The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    The Bishop was buried the next day.

    The moral of the story is:

    Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. JG8tor

    JG8tor Junior

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    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. By the time the bartender returns with his order, the man has setup a miniature grand piano with a little man, just a foot tall and wearing tux and tails, who sits down and begins to play it beautifully.
    The bartender is impressed and asks the man where he got it.
    "I have a genie in a bottle and made a wish for it", the man answered.
    "No, really, I would love to have one of those, where can I get one?"
    "Really, I have a genie in a bottle who grants wishes"
    "Come on, guy, I have a daughter who loves piano - this would be the perfect birthday present."
    The man still insists it's from a genie and pulls out a fancy stoppered bottle. He hands the bottle to the bartender telling him to try it out for himself.
    The skeptical bartender uncorks the bottle and sure enough, a cloud of smoke pours out and a genie appears granting him a wish.
    Surprised, the bartender stammers for a moment, "uh, uh, I wish for a million bucks!"
    No sooner than he says it, all around the bar stacks of books begin to appear. Novels, self-help books, how-to books, reference books, encyclopedias, all manner of books begin to fill the bar.
    The bartender looks around at all of the stacks, "Books? I said 'bucks', does this genie have a hearing problem?"
    "Do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
    Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
    I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
    Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
    It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
    By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
    I could hardly push the stroller back home.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  17. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand GC Hall of Fame

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    My mom had surgery today to put in a pacemaker.
    Now my dad will have to check her for ticks.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  18. wrpgator

    wrpgator GC Hall of Fame

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    The Daughter

    A man was telling his buddy : "You won't believe what happened last night.

    My daughter walked into the living room and said : Dad, cancel my

    allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room

    out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.

    Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash

    Converters. Then sell my car, take my house key away, and throw me

    out. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write

    me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

    "Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?"

    "Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said :

    "Dad, meet my new boyfriend. We're going to work together on Bernie

    Sanders' Presidential Campaign."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
  19. Bazza

    Bazza GC Hall of Fame

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    This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."

    The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  20. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

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    Gainesville, FL
    Boudreaux is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses other than his family to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:
    My son, "Tee-Boud, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
    My daughter "Joleene, you take the apartments over in the east end.
    My son, "Hebert, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.
    Marie, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of
    the river.
    The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Boudreaux slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Boudreaux, your husband must have been a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
    Marie replies, "Property ?? .... the sorry son of a gun had a newspaper route!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2