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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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  2. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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  3. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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  4. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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  5. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.
     
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  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    BAD NEWS ABOUT WIFE


    "Well, I've got some bad news for you," says the doctor. "Your wife has Alzheimer's and AIDS. So, if she finds her way home, don't make love to her!"
     
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  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    BAD NEWS AND WORSE NEWS


    "I've got bad news and worse news," says the doctor. "The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live. The worse news is that I forgot to tell you yesterday."
     
  8. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Bad News From The Doc

    This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

    Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

    Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

    Again the guy interrupts.

    Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

    Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

    The guy slumps, just crushed.

    Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

    The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

    Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

    By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

    The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just Screwing with you, she's dead."
     
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  9. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    BAD ROMAN PUN



    What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
    Gladiator.
     
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  10. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Bad Sunburn

    A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

    "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.

    The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."
     
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  11. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    BAD, GOOD AND GREAT NEWS



    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

    "Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty- five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clingin! g to her."
    Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

    The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
     
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  12. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
    The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."
     
  13. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  14. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  15. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand VIP Member

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    Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Florida back-country.
    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guys had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

    When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently I'm still lost.....
     
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  16. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.
    A lady stood up and came forward.
    She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
    You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
    She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
    Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
    She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
    All the men sighed with relief.
    The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
    A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
    He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
     
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  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Scrappy, always enjoy your jokes. Even my wife laughed at that one
     
  18. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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  19. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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  20. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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