Welcome home, fellow Gator.

The Gator Nation's oldest and most active insider community
Join today!

Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

    25,829
    21,184
    1,538
    Apr 14, 2007
    Fleming Island
    Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

    [​IMG]
    After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

    “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.”

    “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

    3,983
    346
    183
    Dec 18, 2007
    Financial Advice


    Sometime next year, most taxpayers will receive a tax refund check. This is indeed a very exciting program. I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


    Q. What is a tax refund?

    A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


    Q. Where will the government get this money?

    A. From you.


    Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

    A. Yes, however, only a smidgen of it.


    Q. What is the purpose of this refund?

    A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


    Q. But isn't that stimulating the economies of China and Japan?

    A. Shut up.


    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your refund check wisely:


    * If you spend the money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.


    * If you spend it on gasoline, most of that money will go to the Arabs.


    * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, Japan, or China.


    * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.


    * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.


    * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to China, Korea and Taiwan.


    * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to executive bonuses and they will hide most of the money offshore.



    Instead, keep the money in America by:


    1) Spending it at garage sales, or


    2) Going to baseball games, or


    3) Spending it on prostitutes, or


    4) Beer or


    5) Tattoos.


    These are pretty much the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.


    Conclusion:


    Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!


    No need to thank me. I'm just glad I could be of help.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

    3,983
    346
    183
    Dec 18, 2007
    BEER AND THE WHEEL
    THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS IN ALL OF HISTORY WERE THE INVENTION OF BEER AND THE INVENTION OF THE WHEEL. 

    BEER REQUIRED GRAIN AND THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF AGRICULTURE. NEITHER THE GLASS BOTTLE NOR ALUMINUM CAN WERE INVENTED YET, SO WHILE OUR EARLY HUMANS WERE SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR THEM TO BE INVENTED, THEY JUST STAYED CLOSE TO THE BREWERY. THAT'S HOW VILLAGES WERE FORMED.

    THE WHEEL WAS INVENTED TO GET MAN TO THE BEER AND VICE VERSA. THESE TWO WERE THE FOUNDATION OF MODERN CIVILIZATION AND TOGETHER WERE THE CATALYST FOR THE SPLITTING OF HUMANITY INTO TWO DISTINCT SUBGROUPS:

    1.LIBERALS.

    2.CONSERVATIVES. 

    SOME MEN SPENT THEIR DAYS TRACKING AND KILLING ANIMALS TO BBQ AT NIGHT WHILE THEY WERE DRINKING BEER. THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF WHAT IS KNOWN AS THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT. 

    OTHER MEN WHO WERE LESS SKILLED AT HUNTING (CALLED 'VEGETARIANS', WHICH WAS AN EARLY HUMAN WORD MEANING 'BAD HUNTER') LEARNED TO LIVE OFF THE CONSERVATIVES BY SHOWING UP FOR THE NIGHTLY BBQ'S AND DOING THE SEWING, FETCHING, AND HAIRDRESSING.
    THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE LIBERAL MOVEMENT.

    SOME OF THESE LIBERAL MEN "EVOLVED" INTO WOMEN. OTHERS BECAME KNOWN AS GIRLIE-MEN. SOME NOTEWORTHY LIBERAL ACHIEVEMENTS INCLUDE THE DOMESTICATION OF CATS, THE INVENTION OF GROUP THERAPY, GROUP HUGS, AND THE CONCEPT OF DEMOCRATIC VOTING TO DECIDE HOW TO DIVIDE THE MEAT AND
    BEER THAT CONSERVATIVES PROVIDED. 

    OVER THE YEARS CONSERVATIVES CAME TO BE SYMBOLIZED BY THE LARGEST, MOST POWERFUL LAND ANIMAL ON EARTH, THE ELEPHANT. LIBERALS ARE SYMBOLIZED BY THE JACKASS FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. 

    MODERN LIBERALS LIKE SPECIAL FLAVORED BEER (WITH LIME ADDED), BUT MOST PREFER WHITE WINE SPRITZERS OR IMPORTED BOTTLED WATER. THEY EAT RAW FISH BUT LIKE THEIR BEEF WELL DONE. SUSHI, TOFU, AND FRENCH FOOD ARE STANDARD LIBERAL FARE. ANOTHER INTERESTING EVOLUTIONARY SIDE NOTE: MANY LIBERAL WOMEN HAVE HIGHER TESTOSTERONE LEVELS THAN THEIR MEN.

    MOST COLLEGE PROFESSORS, SOCIAL WORKERS, PERSONAL INJURY ATTORNEYS, JOURNALISTS, FILM MAKERS IN HOLLYWOOD, GROUP THERAPISTS AND COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS ARE LIBERALS. LIBERALS MEDDLED IN OUR NATIONAL PASTIME AND INVENTED THE DESIGNATED HITTER RULE BECAUSE IT WASN'T FAIR TO MAKE THE
    PITCHER ALSO BAT. 

    CONSERVATIVES DRINK REAL BEER. THEY EAT RED MEAT AND STILL PROVIDE FOR THEIR WOMEN. CONSERVATIVES ARE MEMBERS OF THE MILITARY, BIG GAME HUNTERS, RODEO COWBOYS, LUMBERJACKS, CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, FIREMEN, MEDICAL DOCTORS, POLICE OFFICERS, ENGINEERS, CORPORATE EXECUTIVES, ATHLETES, AIRLINE PILOTS, AND GENERALLY ANYONE WHO WORKS PRODUCTIVELY. CONSERVATIVES WHO OWN COMPANIES HIRE OTHER CONSERVATIVES WHO WANT TO WORK FOR A LIVING. 

    LIBERALS PRODUCE LITTLE OR NOTHING. THEY LIKE TO GOVERN THE PRODUCERS AND DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH THE PRODUCTION. LIBERALS BELIEVE EUROPEANS ARE MORE ENLIGHTENED THAN AMERICANS. THAT IS WHY MOST OF THE LIBERALS REMAINED IN EUROPE WHEN CONSERVATIVES WERE COMING TO AMERICA. THEY
    CREPT IN AFTER THE WILD WEST WAS TAMED AND CREATED A BUSINESS OF TRYING TO GET MORE FOR NOTHING. 

    HERE ENDS TODAY'S LESSON IN WORLD HISTORY. IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT A LIBERAL MAY HAVE A MOMENTARY URGE TO ANGRILY RESPOND TO THIS POST.

    A CONSERVATIVE WILL SIMPLY LAUGH AND BE SO CONVINCED OF THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH OF THIS HISTORY THAT IT WILL BE SHARED IMMEDIATELY TO OTHER TRUE BELIEVERS AND TO JUST PISS-OFF MORE LIBERALS.
     
    • Best Post Ever Best Post Ever x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  4. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

    So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
    I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

    I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

    She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

    Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  5. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

    103,835
    11,493
    3,683
    Apr 3, 2007
    Clermont, Fl
    An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled.

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
    He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%. A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

    The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir," said the Private, "If there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."

    The room fell silent
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

    3,983
    346
    183
    Dec 18, 2007
    My two favorite New Year's resolutions:
    1. To continue NOT dating Victoria Secret Supermodesl
    2. To continue to go to the bathroom outside my pants. (as I get older, #2 becomes more difficult to keep).
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  7. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    47576753_10216057175896518_8508585123979984896_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    48064322_1272423346241755_5645225325039190016_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    41507736_10156435702700560_5964564660416937984_n.jpg
     
  10. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    Two little old ladies, Doris, 76, & Jackie, 79, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
    The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,'This...life...is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
    'You're on!' said Doris , holding up a $10.00 note.
    So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
    'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
    'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. Bazza

    Bazza GC Hall of Fame

    20,046
    3,434
    1,213
    Jan 2, 2009
    New Smyrna Beach
    At breakfast a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half and then leave you."

    "Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  12. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator Psycho Mod and Cook Shack Chef Moderator VIP Member

    After a while of "romance", then being relatively newly co-habitants, my girlfriend thought it was cute whenever I farted.
    She would giggle, then, after a while, let out a little one of her own, and look at me with adoring eyes, and say "Oops... I let a little one out"

    After about a year,while watching a game I still unabashedly ripped a good one..
    Her response was to quickly turn her butt towards me in "coy retaliation", but proceeded to turn the back of her pink "Sylvester & Tweetie" flannel pajamas a nasty brown.

    She muttered some cuss words as she bolted to the bathroom.... saying she never wanted to see me again.
    I had NO idea that she was trying to make this a contest... BUT,
    I honored her wishes, and, once she put those soiled jammied into a trash bag... I kicked her out!
    After all.... I didn't want anybody crapping my place up! :D
     
  13. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    CAJUN PREGNANCY
    Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
    She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,
    "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had a son! Ain't dat girl and Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got yourself a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."
    Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold
    on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy
    and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"
    When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat
    down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run
    out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"
    His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
    Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-Forty."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    50133389_10205710168191389_3268602165320482816_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    46449204_10156608877350353_3185773197031112704_n.jpg
     
  16. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

    22,694
    1,329
    983
    Apr 8, 2007
    Gainesville, FL
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  17. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

    22,694
    1,329
    983
    Apr 8, 2007
    Gainesville, FL
    [​IMG]

    Driver: It is not about how many times you fall down, it is all about the number of times you get back up, dust yourself off, and try again.

    Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  18. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
  19. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

    1,500
    601
    398
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    51638081_10205795064273738_4438341181310500864_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 3