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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go."

    The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
     
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  2. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.” "

    The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"

    The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
     
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  3. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
    kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
    the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed
     
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  5. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    my 75 year old mom asks me to check out her computer as someone on screen is saying from microsoft to call a number to unlock her computer, lol. i said mom, its a virus of some type you must have picked it up from a website you shouldn't have clicked on. her reply, "well i'm not on any p-o-r-n sites!"

    for the love of God i hope not.
     
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  6. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  7. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

    That "Exorcist" joke reminded me of a TRUE, and very much "FREAK-OUT" occurence.

    Back when the Exorcist first came out in the early 70's, Myself, and my "High"-school buddies, along with the older of my two younger sisters, (she was 2 years younger, but insisted on hanging out with my friends and myself.

    My Dad, being a professional stand-up comedian, was away quite a bit, and he took my Mom on a Week and a half trip with him.

    With them out of town, of course the partying began, and we decided to get a sitter for my youngest sister, (2 1/2 at the time), while we all went to see The Exorcist"

    Yeah, the movie definitely was scary, BUT, when we all got back to our house, and proceeded to "partake in some very good quality Naturally-Grown Bright Green Goodies", of course, our minds began wavering.

    It was just then that my little sister appeared around the Family Room corner. (She had supposedly been asleep for the past 4 hours).
    She had the emptiest stare we had ever seen, and whenever we asked her; "Jeannine, what's wrong? Are you OK?"
    She just continued to stare AT us, saying absolutely nothing.

    This went on for over half an hour, with us trying to get some sort of response from her, and Jeannine still staring at us silently, emotionless, and ONLY 2 1/2 years old!

    Jeannine finally took two more unemotional steps into the Family Room, where a bunch of us, straight out of the movie and quite stoned sat.

    She glared at us, and freaked us out with her next, and ONLY words....

    "CAPTAIN HOWDY LOVES YOU!"

    None of us had even mentioned the movie when we got home... we were still too freaked out.
     
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  8. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand VIP Member

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    A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?"
    I looked at him and asked, "What have you come as?"
    He said, "A werewolf."
    I said, "But you're not wearing a costume. You've just got your normal clothes on."
    He said, "Yeah well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?"
     
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  9. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
    Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

    *IRS AUDITOR:* “I need a list of your employees and how much you
    pay them".

    *Boat Owner:* “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me
    for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then
    there's
    the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does
    about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his
    own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
    Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
    sleep with my wife occasionally".

    *IRS AUDITOR:* “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally
    challenged one".

    *Boat Owner:* “That would be me. What would you like to know”?
     
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  10. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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  11. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand VIP Member

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  12. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    From Kurt

    Laws not taught in Physics . . . I’m certain these laws are true . . . however, at least they’re in my corner of the universe.


    1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

    3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    5. Variation Law -

    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

    6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    8. Law of the Result

    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

    9. Law of Biomechanics -

    The s everity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


    10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena

    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


    12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    13. Law of Physical Surfaces -

    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


    14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


    5. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


    16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

    17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!



    18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
     
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  13. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    Oh don't we know it!!
     
  14. gtr2x

    gtr2x GC Hall of Fame

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    #14 is my favorite. The corollary is "anything is easy when u don't have to do it". Once shared that with a boss.
     
  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.s

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!!??
     
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  16. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator GC Hall of Fame

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    An elderly couple were at home watching TV.

    Dave had the remote and was switching back and

    forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

    Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,

    "For God's sake, Dave... leave it on the porn channel…

    you know how to fish!"
     
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  17. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    Some others come to mind.

    The weight of an object placed in your car increases in proportion to the distance you have to drive to unload it.

    Rain is caused by having a tee time at a golf course you have waited years to play.

    The time your flatulence lingers in the air will increase if people begin to come near you.

    Alarm clock batteries always go dead the morning you have an early flight out of town.

    Leaving late from home to a Gator football game increases the chances of a wreck occurring on the road in front of you.

    Four foot putts on the 18th hole for a money win are always downhill with a one foot break and with a pitch mark in your putt line.
     
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  18. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

    These are all things currently blamed on "Murphy's Law", However... There is another item there called "O'Toole's Theory", which simply states;
    "Murphy was an Optomist!"

    O'toole's Theory is as follows;
    The chances that unexpected quest will arrive at your rear sliding door is directlly related to the distance of either your dirty clothes, OR your bath towel.

    Your brand new date will ask to use your bathroom ONLY if you have left the seat up, and have just shaved for the 1st time this weekend.

    Simply take anything that Murphy could possibly do.... and make it happen on a rainy day, with your oven set at 450 instead of the 350 called for, with a hole in the butt seam of your new slacks, ..well, you get O'Toole's point.
     
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  19. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    [​IMG]
     
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  20. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    A great Sven & Ole joke fresh from da tundra doncha know.

    Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
    Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
    Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
    Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
    The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How is you feelin dis mornin?"
    Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
    Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
    Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
    Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
    Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
    Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
    Ole stopped to think. "No "
    "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."
     
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