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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go."

    The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
     
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  2. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.” "

    The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"

    The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
     
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  3. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
    kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
    the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed
     
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  5. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    my 75 year old mom asks me to check out her computer as someone on screen is saying from microsoft to call a number to unlock her computer, lol. i said mom, its a virus of some type you must have picked it up from a website you shouldn't have clicked on. her reply, "well i'm not on any p-o-r-n sites!"

    for the love of God i hope not.
     
  6. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  7. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

    That "Exorcist" joke reminded me of a TRUE, and very much "FREAK-OUT" occurence.

    Back when the Exorcist first came out in the early 70's, Myself, and my "High"-school buddies, along with the older of my two younger sisters, (she was 2 years younger, but insisted on hanging out with my friends and myself.

    My Dad, being a professional stand-up comedian, was away quite a bit, and he took my Mom on a Week and a half trip with him.

    With them out of town, of course the partying began, and we decided to get a sitter for my youngest sister, (2 1/2 at the time), while we all went to see The Exorcist"

    Yeah, the movie definitely was scary, BUT, when we all got back to our house, and proceeded to "partake in some very good quality Naturally-Grown Bright Green Goodies", of course, our minds began wavering.

    It was just then that my little sister appeared around the Family Room corner. (She had supposedly been asleep for the past 4 hours).
    She had the emptiest stare we had ever seen, and whenever we asked her; "Jeannine, what's wrong? Are you OK?"
    She just continued to stare AT us, saying absolutely nothing.

    This went on for over half an hour, with us trying to get some sort of response from her, and Jeannine still staring at us silently, emotionless, and ONLY 2 1/2 years old!

    Jeannine finally took two more unemotional steps into the Family Room, where a bunch of us, straight out of the movie and quite stoned sat.

    She glared at us, and freaked us out with her next, and ONLY words....

    "CAPTAIN HOWDY LOVES YOU!"

    None of us had even mentioned the movie when we got home... we were still too freaked out.
     
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