Welcome home, fellow Gator.

The Gator Nation's oldest and most active insider community
Join today!
  1. Folks, some of you have asked if we were trimming our forums since there are no sports at the moment. We’re going to keep everything open on the forums to provide a sense of normalcy here. It’s our hope Gator Country can be a place of comfort for you during these crazy times. Be safe my friends and take care. -Ray and the GC staff. GO GATORS IN AL KINDS OF WEATHER!

    PS. If you happen to find yourself in tight financial circumstances with regards to renewing here please reach out to us. We’d be happy to help sort it out.

Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

    23,489
    1,885
    1,243
    Apr 8, 2007
    Gainesville, FL
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  2. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    32,378
    1,096
    1,063
    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


    So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

    He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want five loaves."


    She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

    The old man says to himself, I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  3. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

    13,873
    495
    648
    Apr 14, 2007
    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  4. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

    2,320
    978
    558
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    38504306_2082392798446208_5537950966269083648_n.jpg
     
    • Winner Winner x 4
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    32,378
    1,096
    1,063
    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    Why seniors never change their password

    WINDOWS:

    Please enter your new password.

    USER:

    Cabbage

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

    USER:

    Boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

    USER:

    1 boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

    USER:

    50damnboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

    USER:

    50DAMNboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character
    consecutively

    USER:

    50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

    USER:

    ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

    WINDOWS:

    Sorry, that password is already in use
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  6. northgagator

    northgagator GC Hall of Fame

    What do you use to repair a crack in a tuba? Tuba glue.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

    27,221
    22,326
    1,558
    Apr 14, 2007
    Fleming Island
    This is awesome!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

    27,221
    22,326
    1,558
    Apr 14, 2007
    Fleming Island
    I hear they are planning on making a Toy Story 5. It will change directions a bit and focus in on Andy's mother's toys. The original cast will not be in it. But, the names Woody and Buzz will be.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  9. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    32,378
    1,096
    1,063
    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley
    motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench
    watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey,
    Ive just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe its time you quit
    spending so much of your time out here in your garage.

    You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding
    equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and
    fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is
    such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.

    I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your
    home brewing equipment..."And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod
    sports car? Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and
    said, "Darling, whats wrong?"

    He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
    "Ex-wife!?"
    she shouted, YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

    Bob replied, “I wasn't..."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  10. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

    23,489
    1,885
    1,243
    Apr 8, 2007
    Gainesville, FL
    Man Rules--feel free to enforce these if you want to live on the couch.

    These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men are NOT mind readers

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem
    only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
    other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT
    need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, nota color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
    idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
    Really

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.


    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  11. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

    4,045
    377
    183
    Dec 18, 2007
    MEN VS. WOMEN AT THE DRIVE THRU ATM


    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through Cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
    Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender..'

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (most of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Apply handbrake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in debit note book and place receipt in back of note book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release handbrake.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

    4,045
    377
    183
    Dec 18, 2007
    One for the ladies:


    A Girl was in the hospital, her parents sat waiting in the waiting room...finally the doctor comes out. Both parents jump up, and the whole room watches. "Is it serious?" the mom asked. "She needs a brain transplant" the doctor replies. Both parents stand silent for a moment...then the father asks, "How much is it gonna cost?"
    The brain? Girl's are 450 dollars, and boy's are 5,800 dollars"
    All the men in the room seem to chuckle to themselves, then finally the father brings himself to ask, "Why are the boys more expensive than the girl's?" The doctor looks at him and replies, "We have to mark the girl's down because they're used."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  13. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

    13,873
    495
    648
    Apr 14, 2007
    It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.

    On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.

    Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs.

    I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door.

    There stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny.

    It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  14. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

    101,427
    9,031
    3,683
    Apr 3, 2007
    Clermont, Fl
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
  15. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

    2,320
    978
    558
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    There were two nuns..

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM:
    Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL:
    It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL
    : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM
    : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.




    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. scrappygator

    scrappygator Moderator VIP Member

    2,320
    978
    558
    Jan 15, 2009
    Gainesville, FL
    41507736_10156435702700560_5964564660416937984_n.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

    4,045
    377
    183
    Dec 18, 2007
    Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.


    At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits.


    But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway.


    They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.


    The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.


    The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up.


    The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."


    Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question.


    "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"


    Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question.


    The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"


    Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent.


    Bubba said, "I think I know the answer.


    Three times seven is twenty-one."


    A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant.


    "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Fistbump/Thanks! Fistbump/Thanks! x 1
  18. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

    23,489
    1,885
    1,243
    Apr 8, 2007
    Gainesville, FL
    So I spent the better part of the morning laughing at and teasing my boss because he has to attend a 3 hour harassment class next week. He arranged to have me go too...lesson learned. :emoji_anguished:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

    23,489
    1,885
    1,243
    Apr 8, 2007
    Gainesville, FL
    Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner
    in their honor.

    "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1
    'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital
    with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time
    to get you a gift."
    "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're
    all together today ."
    Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just
    flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't
    have time to shop for you."
    Its nothing," said the father "We're glad you were able
    to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary!
    Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really
    busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's some-
    thing your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
    You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of
    you to college.

    [​IMG]


    Through the years your mother and I knew we loved
    each other very much, but we just never found the
    time to get married."

    The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean
    we're bastards?"

    "Yeah, and cheap ones, too!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

    27,221
    22,326
    1,558
    Apr 14, 2007
    Fleming Island
    So get this...My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
     
    • Funny Funny x 4