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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    THANX PEGEEN!
    Irishman's philosophy:


    There are only 2 reasons in life to worry.

    Either you are sick or you are well.

    If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are only 2 reasons to worry. Either you will die or you will get better.

    If you get better, there is nothing to worry about. If you die, there are only 2 reasons to worry. Either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell.

    If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. If you go to hell, you will be so damn busy shaking hands with all your hands, you won't have time to worry.
     
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  2. scrappygator

    scrappygator Premium Member

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    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _____________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    _____________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
    downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
    now with a different anticipation,
    and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

    for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

    and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

    I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

    ________________________________


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
    as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....
     
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  3. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    I picked up a hitchhiker late last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?

    I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.
     
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  4. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    Since it's Father's Day:

    * Cashier: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”

    * Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

    * When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

    * When you ask a dad if he’s alright: “No, I’m half left.”

    * Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.

    * SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.” DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”

    I know, they're bad...






     
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  5. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:

    Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

    Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

    Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you

    Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

    Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?

    Son: Let them sleep with daddy.

    Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !

    Happy Father’s day!
     
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  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Fatherly wisdom deftly taught:

    A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

    She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his .

    One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

    Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4 .0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew . She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying .

    Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2 .0 GPA. She is so popular on campus. College for her is a blast . She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.

    Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1 .0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0 . That way you will both have a 3. 0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA .'

    The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea! How would that be fair? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree . She played while I worked my tail off!'

    The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party '
     
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  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Tough Father's Day


    A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

    The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

    The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

    Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
     
  8. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The result of being a father...

    A Father and his son walk by the condom display inside a drugstore.

    The boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

    Those are condoms son. It is how a man has safe sex.

    The boy asks, “Why are there three in a package?”

    Those are for high school boys-one for Friday night, one for Sat night and one for Sunday night.

    “Who are the six packs for?”, asks the boy.

    Those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday

    “Wow”, says the boy. “And who are these twelve packs for?”

    The dad sighs and answers, “Those are for the married men. One for January, one for February…”
     
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  9. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    As part of his physical exam a elderly man was asked by his doctor for his sperm count.

    He handed a jar to the man and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

    The following day the 91 year old returned with a clean and completely empty jar to the doctors office.

    The doctor inquisitively asked as he took one look at the jar and proceeded to ask, “What happened?”

    The old man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen – the lady next door – and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

    As his eyes widened the shocked doctor then asked, “Excuse me? You asked your neighbor?!?”
    To which the old man with a grin on his face replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open!”
     
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  10. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]\
     
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  11. Gator515151

    Gator515151 GC Hall of Fame

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    A young indian boy asked his grandfather. Grandfather "how come us indians have such funny names". His grandfather answered. "Being the chief of our tribe, when a baby is born to our tribe I give the child his name". "After the birth of a child I visit the mother's teepee and the first thing I see after leaving the teepee is what I name the child".

    "Take your sister for instance when she was born the first thing I saw after leaving your mothers teepee was a fawn in the meadow, that is why we call her Fawn in The Meadow". "Then there was your cousin, when he was born the first thing I saw after leaving his mother's teepee was an eagle soaring". "Thus he was named Soaring Eagle". "But why would you ask such a question, Two Dogs Humping?"
     
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  12. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
     
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  13. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

    Two Cajun buddies, Justin andd Boudreaux, were tipping way more than a few at their local bar in Terrebonne Parish in Lousiana, waiting for the incessant downpour outside to let up so they could walk home.

    After another hour or so, with no sign of the rain letting up, Justin told Boudreaux that he was just gonna walk home in the rain. Boudreaux said, "But,Justin, You're gonna have to walk that whole long road around the cemetary? You gonna git yo'ass soaked!"

    Justin replied; " Buddy, I'm gonna jus' take a shortcut right thr' dat cemetary, you should,, too, since we live jus'bout next door to each other. Y'all jus' wanna walk wit me?"

    "Nah, bud" Boudreaux said, " I'm gonna wait a bit to see if dis rain will let up in a bit."

    So, Justin set out in a monsoon-like rainstorm. It was very dark, no streetlights, and he started cutting through the cemetary, talking to himself, saying "Oh, damn! I'm so cold, I'm so wet"...

    Without realizing it, there was a freshly dug open grave, with the dirt sitting alongside... Justin's foot slipped on the muddy end of the open grave, and FELL INTO IT!! He tried desperately to clime out of it, but, because of the rains, the sides were too slippery. He ended up sitting at the bottom of the o-en grave, yelling out into the empty darkness... "Help me, I'm so cold. Oh,, Help me! I'm so cold and wet!"

    After aboout another half hour or so, Boudreaux figured that the rain wasn't going to let up, so he left the bar. On his walk, he, too, decided to tale a shortcut through the cemetary. After a few minutes of walking in the pitch black downpour, he was spooked and surprised to hear a faint voice.

    As he walked closer to the voice, Boudreauz could faintly hear that voice crying; "Oh Lawd, Help me! I'm so cold... Help me, I'm so cole and wet!"

    Once he got to the empty grave, he couldn't see a thing in the total darkness and pouring rain, but, Boudreaux could hear that voice, coming from the bottom of the empty grave, saying '"Oh, Lawd! I'm so cold and wet!"

    Boudreaux, shocked to hear a voice coming up from out of the empty grave, started kicking the dirt into it from the pile alongside the empty grave, and said;

    "No wonder yo' be so damn cold, Y'all kicked all the freakin' dirt offa you!
     
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  14. scrappygator

    scrappygator Premium Member

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    Irish Alzheimers

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church.

    So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
     
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  15. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
     
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