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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. NOLAGATOR

    NOLAGATOR GC Hall of Fame

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    A women wants to find a husband and sees an add on the net, "The Husband Store"

    She calls them up and makes an appointment.

    When she gets there she goes into the office and a man explains the contract.

    The manger explains, "We have 5 floors. On each floor we have different husband types. You get off on the floor you like. But you can't go back. Your decision is final"

    "Okay", she squeals excitedly. "Let's get this show on the road"

    "On floor 1 we have men that are physically attractive to you", the manger says.

    She says, "I want a little more"

    "Well on floor 2 we have attractive me with jobs", the manger continues.

    "And?" the women questions.

    On floor 3 we have: "Good Looking Men, With Jobs, and are Great with Kids"

    "Wow ,that sounds awesome. And 4?" she asks.

    "On 4, we have Attractive Men, with Jobs, who Love Children....AND Do Housework" , the Manager proudly says.

    "Then I want Floor 5" the women demands. "Take me to 5...NOW"

    "But you have not heard"...."NOW screams the women"

    So, up to Floor 5 they go and the door opens.

    "You must exit here" the Manger demands.

    The floor is packed with women and no men.

    "What is this?" the women questions. "There are only women. Where are all the men?"

    "Oh, this is the floor for all the Women who are never satisfied.":rolleyes:
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
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  2. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    THANX PEGEEN!
    A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

    He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

    Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

    Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

    Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
     
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  3. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
     
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  4. outbackjack

    outbackjack Premium Member

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    Miguel the Magician was at a party....and decided to try out a new trick.

    He went up to some froeand said....

    “On the count of 3, I can disappear, right before your eyes”

    The group was curious to say the least.

    Miguel started to count...

    Uno.
    Dos.

    Poof. He was gone. Just like that.

    Without a trace.
     
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  5. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A Mexican man who speaks no English goes into a department store to buy socks.

    He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

    "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

    "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

    "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

    "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.

    "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

    "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.

    "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

    "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.

    "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

    "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

    "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

    As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

    "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
     
  6. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

    'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

    'No,' I replied.

    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

    ID10T

    I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
     
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  7. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    THANX PEGEEN!
    Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
    After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
    "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and SWISH!, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. What a feat! exclaimed the Emperor. Number two Samurai, show me what you can do. The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He drew his sword and SWISH!SWISH, the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.
    "That is skill," nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three?" The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan-Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his sword and SWOOOOOOOOOOSH, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room, but the fly was still buzzing around.
    In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly is not dead!" "Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy ~ but circumcised?"
     
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  8. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    THANX PEGEEN!
    A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

    The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

    "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
     
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  9. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    THANX PEGEEN!
    An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
    The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
     
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  10. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator GC Hall of Fame

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    Grammar Lesson

    On his 68th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with the Cherokee Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

    The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, "1-2-3. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

    The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?”


    And that, boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
     
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  11. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

     
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  12. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    Of all the calls I've had to make over the last month or two, it might not have sucked so much. :D
     
  13. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    My German girlfriend likes to score the quality of my sex techniques.

    We tried anal sex for the first time the other night. She kept yelling Nine, Nine!

    Highest score I ever got!
     
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  14. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    So I was at wallyworld last night

    a lady was looking at frozen turkeys but could not find one big enough

    She asked the stock boy, "do these turkeys get any bigger"?

    He replied with a straight face, "No Ma'am. they're dead"
     
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  15. Gat0r

    Gat0r 10S-NE1 VIP Member

    Apr 20, 2007
    St. Augustine, FL
    A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, on Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

    Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

    The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

    The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

    The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: "And, her, what's she doing?"

    The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.”
    Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lovers' Lane and nothing of interest is happening!

    The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"

    The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

    The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?"

    The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
     
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  16. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Sometimes we seniors don't understand directions

    I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacist high counter is located

    I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon, and set them on the counter.

    The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said yes,Could you please taste this for me?

    Seeing that I was a Senior Citizen the Pharmacist went along

    He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swirled it around.

    Then , with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out in the floor and began coughing.

    When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now does that taste sweet to you"?

    The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth, with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, HELL NO!!!!!

    I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!! My Dr told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!!!
     
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  17. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

    A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

    "No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

    The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

    They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

    She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

    They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

    "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

    The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

    She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
     
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  18. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    During the Cold War, three spies were captured by the Soviets -- one Englishman, one American, and one Italian.

    The guards grab the Englishman, tie him up, and torture him unmercifully for an hour. Finally he breaks and reveals all he knows.

    The guards then grab the American, tie him up, and torture him unmercifully for two hours. Finally he breaks and reveal all he knows.

    Then the guards grab the Italian. They tie him up and torture him unmercifully for an hour... two hours... three hours. They torture him all night but the Italian won't say a word. Finally the exhausted guards give him and let him go.

    "Wow," the other two say, "how did you manage not to say anything?"

    "How could I?" the Italian says, "my hands were tied!"
     
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  19. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    OK if I must.

    Sven and Ole go fishing. It’s such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they're catching fish, one after another after another. They can’t believe what a great fishing spot they found.
    Sven says, “This is the best fishing spot in the county. It’s just too bad we didn’t bring some paint.”
    Ole asks, “Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?”
    “Well Ole, don’t you see, so we can paint an “X” in the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot next time.”
    Ole laughs at him. “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! Next time, what if they give us a different boat?”
     
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  20. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Clermont, Fl
    [​IMG]
     
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