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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. GatorNavy

    GatorNavy Damn the torpedoes! Moderator VIP Member

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    Space Coast
    They're lovable until they feel like to taking your nose off.
     
  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself...
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  3. scrappygator

    scrappygator VIP Member

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    Good Neighbor

    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

    The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you.

    I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

    Regards, Alan.
    ----------------------------
    Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.

    He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

    He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:
    --------------------------
    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

    Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey!

    Regards, Alan
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Best Post Ever Best Post Ever x 1
  4. gatormonk

    gatormonk GC Hall of Fame

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    I was going to tell you all a time travel joke but you didn't like it.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  5. g8rtrucker

    g8rtrucker VIP Member

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    There aren't enough emojis to represent the level of my laughter at this. Well done :)
     
  6. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Dear Walter,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was fired from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Shelly

    Dear Sheila,

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

    WALTER
     
  7. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

    He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

    Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

    "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

    "No,get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

    "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

    So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

    So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won't ask for directions."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  9. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    Donald and Hillary run into each other in the winter in northern Wisconsin. They sit down in private and she starts with "I really won the popular vote", to which he replies "You are a two time loser, me a non politician and some unheard of guy with a goofy name from Kenya." She retorts, "You are a sexist racist pig." He retorts, "You are a fishwife, that's why your so called husband chases poon and I would not grope your fat butt with another guys hands." The argument goes on until she says, I can beat you again, to which he replies, in what......falling down, breaking cell phones...... fishing?

    "Yes...even fishing...right here" her anger causes her to reply.

    The challenge is on, so off they go to do ice fishing, the one with most fish has to admit in public that he or she really admires the other.

    After a couple of hours ice fishing, Donald shows up with 8 fish. Hillary none. "I demand a recount" she says.

    They try again the next morning. Donald shows up with 14 fish, Hillary again with none.

    Huma whispers to Hillary, "He is a cheat. Let's follow him and see where he's buying the fish then go buy more"

    So Hillary, Huma and the entourage quietly follow The Donald.

    He begins.

    At that point Hillary yells to all "Trump cheats. Trump is a big fat cheater. He cut a hole in the ice"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  10. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Fleming Island
    A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2018
    • Funny Funny x 5
  11. NOLAGATOR

    NOLAGATOR GC Hall of Fame

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    A structural engineer has a bridge he designed collapse and kill several people.

    He gets so depressed he dies of grief.

    Satan has the Grim Reaper go and collect the guy.:devil:

    The engineer is so distraught with guilt he does not even resist.

    God finds out that this was a huge mistake and goes to hell to collect his engineer.

    GOD: Lucifer, you got my engineer and I am here to take him to Heaven. You know he does not belong here.

    SATAN: Oh, no. He is here now and I like this guy. It was dark and he installed lights. I was thirsty and he put in fountains. Geez, he even put in AC. NO, you ain’t getting him back.

    GOD: Lucifer, you know he is mine and I am taking him to Heaven. You give him back or else!!!:mad:

    SATAN: What are YOU going to do?....SUE ME?

    GOD: Well yes, I just might SUE.

    SATAN: Busting out laughing, “Where are you going to find an ATTORNEY?”:eek:
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  12. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Jesus, Moses, and an old guy are playing golf.

    Moses is up first. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, and sinks. Moses walks up to the water, parts the water, walks across the dry land to the ball, hits it, and it lands on the green.

    Jesus is up next. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, and lands on a log. Jesus walks on the water over to the log, hits it, and it lands on the green.

    The old guy is up next. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, hits the ball, and ricochets off the log onto a lilypad. A frog comes, and eats the ball. Then, a bird comes, picks up the frog, and drops him on the green. The ball rolls out of the frog’s mouth, and into the hole, scoring a hole in one.

    Moses turns to Jesus and says “I hate playing golf with your dad.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An elderly couple invites another couple over for dinner...

    After their meal, the wives left the table to go clean up in the kitchen.

    The two elderly gents were left talking, and one says to the other, "Last night we went out to this fantastic new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."

    The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone?"

    His friend replies: "A carnation?"

    "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "A poppy?"

    "No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

    His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  14. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    I was at the Senior Center today and failed a health and safety course given to us old fogies. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what kind of steps would you take?”

    “Freaking big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.




    I know I am getting older. The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.
    "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.
    "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organ."
    So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
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  16. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.
    The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!"


    "What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy.
    The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA."


    The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.".
    The old lady yells "what did he say?"
    "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want 5 loaves."

    She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .....

    By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
    attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

    The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining
    room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to
    order an enormous breakfast.

    He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his
    young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
    out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
    her to repeat the order.

    The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for
    their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
    "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
    like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

    "That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd
    saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was
    talking about money!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
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  19. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

    Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Sunny: "What's that?"

    Tina: "A condom."

    Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

    Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

    The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

    The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

    "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

    The pharmacist fainted.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Winner Winner x 2
  20. NOLAGATOR

    NOLAGATOR GC Hall of Fame

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    A man is stranded on an island for 10 years when he is rescued.

    The rescuer sees three huts and asks, "There are three huts is there anyone else?"

    The man says, "No, that's my house and the larger hut is my Church" pointing to a large hut.

    And the rescuer asks, "Then what is that for? pointing to another large hut.

    "Oh, that's my old church." the man said. "Me and the Pastor had a falling out"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2