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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

    The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. Then the judge suggested he live with his grandparents; the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

    Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns whom the boy firmly believed were incapable of beating anyone.
     
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  2. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

    "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
    Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
     
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  3. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Meet Walter Barnes


    All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

    Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

    80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.


    All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

    "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

    "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

    "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

    The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply;


    "I outlived all them assholes."


    Then he calmly returned to his seat.
     
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  4. rock8591

    rock8591 GC Hall of Fame

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    When I pass away 100 years down the road, I want the Cleveland Browns team to be pallbearers at my funeral; that way, they will let me down for the last time.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. rock8591

    rock8591 GC Hall of Fame

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    Why did Timothy McVeigh's funeral have only TWO pallbearers?

    A garbage can has only 2 handles.
     
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  6. etennant

    etennant Premium Member

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    A guy call his wife's doctor to find out the results of her tests. When the doctor answers he asks "do we know what is wrong with my wife yet?" The physician replies "I'm not sure, but have narrowed it down and am waiting on the genetic testing results."

    The husband says that he is worried and asks if the doctor can share his possible diagnoses. He says "Yes, but I can't be certain until the test results are back. Mr. Smith, I believe your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's." The husband is flabbergasted and bemoans how terrible either disease is.

    The husband then asks if there is anything he can do until the results are finalized. The doctor ponders for a minute and shares that he may actually be able to help.

    He says "Mr. Smith I suggest you take your wife on a ride in the car and when you are about four miles from home drop her off and leave her. If she finds her way home don't screw her."
     
  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Why should single young men date only homeless women?


    Because after you screw them you can drop them off.............anywhere.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Two guys from Philadelphia die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Philly and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Philadelphia, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 guys from Philadelphia . He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The 2 look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Eagles won the Super Bowl!"
     
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  9. g8rtrucker

    g8rtrucker VIP Member

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    Good timing:D
     
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  10. lacuna

    lacuna The Conscience of Too Hot VIP Member

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    A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

    "No," she says. "I just want to sleep."

    He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.

    "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.

    She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

    He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?"

    The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
     
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  11. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.


    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.


    There are two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

    2. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
     
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  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS

    UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER

    TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS

    AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.


    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT

    AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS

    THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE

    SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE

    WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T

    LISTEN TO REASON.


    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M

    MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,

    "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE

    SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


    I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
     
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  13. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
     
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  14. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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  15. Bazza

    Bazza GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    I walk up to a ratty homeless man, he stunk and was in rags. He asks for $1.00 for food.

    I asked him if it was for booze, he said no he gave up drinking. I ask if it is for greens fees to play golf. Heck no he says, cant afford golf.

    Good, I tell him, come home with me, my wife will cook you a great meal. Why , he asks.

    So I can show my wife what a man will become if he gives up drinking and golf.
     
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  17. malscott

    malscott Premium Member

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    Funny Story:

    Diary of a snow shoveler…

    December 8: 6:00 PM. 2006
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9: 2006
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12: 2006
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

    December 14: 2006
    Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

    December 15: 2006
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.



    December 16: 2006
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17: 2006
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20: 2006
    Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

    December 22: 2006
    Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

    December 23: 2006
    Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

    December 24: 2006
    6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

    December 25: 2006
    Merry Freaking Christmas. 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26: 2006
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

    December 27: 2006
    Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28: 2006
    Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

    December 29: 2006
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30: 2006
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

    December 31: 2006
    I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8: 2007
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
     
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  18. malscott

    malscott Premium Member

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    West Hills, Ca
    Funny Directions:

    How to give a cat a pill:


    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
     
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  19. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    That cat joke is too true. We had years ago 2 cats, they decided to go crazy. We took to vet. He recommended a cat prozac (yep!). We put in their food. No behavior change. We then tried the above. They appeared to swallow the pill, then we would follow and both would spit it out in another room. Are they really that smart.

    Finally, the vet said, let them be cats.

    We had 2 kids eons ago. We decided to have them take vitamins and protein shakes in the morning. They made them or so we thought. They simply were making the sound of the blender and throwing the vitamins and shakes in the disposal. Told us years ago that they never liked the taste.
     
  20. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

    When I was married, we had FIVE of them!

    They could be lovable, but it just might have led me back to being single again!