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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    All good ones Brainstorm!
     
  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    FUN FACTS ABOUT ANIMALS


    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee


    (Hardly seems worth it.)




    If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


    (Now that's more like it!)






    The human heart creates enough

    pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


    (O.M.G.!)



    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

    (O.M.G.!!!)






    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)


    (I'm still not over the pig.)






    Banging your head against a wall uses

    150 calories an hour.


    (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)






    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


    (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)






    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the

    length of a football field.


    (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds


    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)






    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


    (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity)





    Butterflies taste with their feet.


    (Something I always wanted to know.)





    The strongest muscle in the body

    is the tongue.


    (Hmmmmmm.......)






    Right-handed people live, on average,

    nine years longer than left-handed people.

    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)






    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


    (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)






    A cat's urine glows under a black light.


    (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)






    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain


    (I know some people like that.)






    Starfish have no brains.


    (I know some people like that, too.)






    Polar bears are left-handed.


    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)






    Humans and dolphins are the only

    species that have sex for pleasure.


    (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Informative Informative x 1
  3. Hickorygatorfan

    Hickorygatorfan Carolina Gator VIP Member

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    Heard this one today and it made me laugh:

    Why are there no prostitutes in Tennessee?

    Because they are all Volunteers.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  5. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    A 61 year old Gator walks into his kitchen to get a glass of water......

    Oh, HELL! Who am I kidding?

    I swirled, passed out, fell and broke my friggin ankle in two places, plus my little toe!

    Anyone else got a good'un?
     
  6. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    A Christmas Party Warning

    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Alright, time for Xmas jokes

    1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

    2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

    3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

    4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

    6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

    7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

    8. Q: Do you know why Santa doesn't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney ...

    9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

    10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

    11. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

    12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

    13. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

    WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

    1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

    2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

    3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

    4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

    5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

    6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

    7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

    8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

    9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


    10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

    • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
    • 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
    • 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
    • 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
    • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
    • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
    • 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
    • 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
    • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
    • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
    Tragedy begets comedy

    Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

    The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

    The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

    The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

    Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

    The third man answered "They're Carol's."

    10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

    • 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
    • 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
    • 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
    • 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
    • 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
    • 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
    • 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
    • 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
    • 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
    • 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

    The Top 15 Reindeer Games

    • 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
    • 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
    • 13> Spin the Salt Lick
    • 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
    • 11> Moose or Dare
    • 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
    • 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
    • 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
    • 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
    • 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
    • 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
    • 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
    • 3> Elf Tossing
    • 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

      and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
    • 1> The "Rudolph the S#&tfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

    SANTA'S PICK UP LINES

    • I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
    • Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
    • Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
    • Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
    • I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
    • Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
    • Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
    • That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!
     
    • Like Like x 2
  8. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Mental Disorder Xmas Carols


    Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

    Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

    Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

    Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

    Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

    Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

    Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

    Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

    Agoraphobia: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

    Senile Dementia: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe

    Oppositional Defiant Disorder: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

    Social Anxiety Disorder: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
     
    • Like Like x 1
  9. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A repeat but one worth repeating:

    HOW THE ANGEL GOT TO THE TOP OF THE XMAS TREE


    When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.


    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where. More stress.


    Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.


    The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"


    And so began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas tree.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlor
    two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on
    her upper left thigh.

    Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.

    She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A young nun joins a remote convent, but before she leaves her hometown, her priest warns her that the nuns at the convent have all taken a strict vow of silence that only allows them to speak two words a year.

    The nun arrives at the convent and soon settles into her new life, not speaking a single word. After she has been there for a year, she approaches the Mother Superior and says her two words for the year - “food bad”.

    Another year goes by, and once again, the nun comes to the Mother Superior. This time, she simply says “bed hard”. After her third year, the nun can’t take it anymore. She bursts into the Mother Superior’s office and declares “I quit!”.

    The Mother Superior looks at her and says “Thank God, you’ve been here three years and all you’ve done is bitch”.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Three men are in line to get into heaven.

    St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

    Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

    So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

    Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Ford Pinto!"

    He gets into his car and drives through the gates.

    Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a VW Thing!"

    But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.

    The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"

    He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018
  13. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

    The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

    "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

    The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    This is an old one:

    A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle.

    An officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

    The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back".

    "I don't believe you" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting.

    Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle?".

    The man replies - "what turtle"?
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A man walks into a bar because he saw it said "Free WiFi". He goes to the lady working there and says:

    Man: What's the password for the Wi-Fi?

    Lady: Buy a drink first.

    The man complies and buys a beer.

    Man: What's the password for the Wi-Fi?

    Lady: Buy a drink first.

    Man: What do you mean!?! I just bought one. Agh fine, one last time.

    He buys a drink and chugs it down. He's ready for the password now.

    The lady switches her shifts before he could ask.

    Man: What's the password for the Wi-Fi?

    New Lady: Buy a drink first.

    The man is quite mad now and goes to the manager and tells him about how his hostesses won't give the password to the free WiFi.

    Manager: Buy a drink first.

    Man: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'VE BOUGHT IT COUNTLESS TIMES NOW!?!

    The Manager then points at a paper on the wall that reads "Wi-Fi password: buyadrinkfirst"
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    I was at a gas station filling up my car. Nearby I see a woman smoking a cigarette.

    I tell her, “You should stop that it’s dangerous.”

    She ignores me and continues smoking.

    A few seconds later her arm catches on fire and she starts waving it around trying to put it out.

    I call 911 and a cop shows up and arrests her.

    I ask the cop, “Did you arrest her because she was smoking at a gas station?”

    He replies, “No, it was because she was waving a firearm.”
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  17. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past. "Aye, Paddy. That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich." "What's that then Declan?" "I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Another old one:

    Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.

    Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?

    Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."

    The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word."

    "Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?"

    Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."

    The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."

    "Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a …?"

    Hank yells out "Farm!"

    The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please spell it."

    Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  19. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

    One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore he was right and that the other three were misguided. Exasperated by the stubbornness of the others, he fell to his knees.

    "Oh, Lord, give me a sign to show that I am right and that these other three are wrong."

    Just as he finished, four storm clouds blew in over the golf course. Three all merged into a single larger cloud, but the fourth blasted through the larger cloud, dissipating it.

    As smug as the fourth rabbi was, the other three insisted that this was nothing that couldn't be explained by natural phenomena and that he was still wrong. Again, he fell to his knees.

    "Oh, Lord, please give another sign to show that I am right on this."

    As he was finishing his prayer, a single storm cloud blew in and sent a fork of lightning down on four trees standing on a nearby hill. Three of the trees were destroyed and the fourth remained intact. Again, though, the three rabbis argued that it was a hot summer day and the occasional freak lightning storm didn't signify anything.

    "Oh, Lord," he began again before being cut off by a billowing voice from the clouds.

    "HE'S RIGHT!" the voice boomed.

    One of the three rabbis simply shrugged at this. "Alright. So now it's three to two."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Winner Winner x 2
  20. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.
     
    • Funny Funny x 9
    • Like Like x 1