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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

    The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a prettywoman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

    She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

    He said, "Why, yes I am!"

    So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

    When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room

    together?


    100 people who don't do dick.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
  3. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    Old Italian saying:

    "Anybody who falls asleep in the trunk of their car DESEVES to be shot..... I don't care What Nationality they are!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. rock8591

    rock8591 GC Hall of Fame

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    The name Jesse James needs to be outlawed. :p
     
  5. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    Back when I was first Married, I went one day to pay a visit to my Italian Grandfather.

    As I walked in the door, he came over, hugged me, and said: "Hey, Giuseppe! How are you "? "How'sa your beautiful wife "?

    I told him: " I guess she's OK"

    " Hey, Joey, whattsa matter? You two just got married! Is your marriage OK?" My Grandpa asked..

    I said: " I don't know how to tell you this, Grandpa, but I think I Married a Nun!"

    " I breaka you face!!"

    " No, Grandpa! Hold on a second! You don't understand!... I don't get none in the morning, I don't get none in the afternoon, and she won't give me none at nught!!"

    To which he replied: " Oh! Then come inna the kitchen and say Hello to Mother Superior!!"
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
  6. Juggernautz

    Juggernautz Don't tread on me! VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. Juggernautz

    Juggernautz Don't tread on me! VIP Member

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    Yulee FL
    [​IMG]
     
  8. Juggernautz

    Juggernautz Don't tread on me! VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Juggernautz

    Juggernautz Don't tread on me! VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  10. Juggernautz

    Juggernautz Don't tread on me! VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  11. ratatatat

    ratatatat GC Hall of Fame

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    The old "Pull my finger" stuff is WAY old.....

    I found it much more entertaining when my wife used to sit on the floor, with me on my recliner, just watching TV, and I would ask her to pull my Leg!
     
  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  13. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The Black Bra (as told by a woman)


    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.


    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.


    Here's how it all went.


    My engaged friend :

    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


    The mistress:

    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


    Then I had to share my story:

    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,


    " What's for dinner, Zorro?"




    The Sensuous and Smart Wife


    "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
    "No"...said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

    "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

    "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

    She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

    "Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

    "Well, go look in the garage!"...she said.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.

    The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:

    “You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibition, I will be lenient. Each of you will have a wish before getting the punishment. You start, Togolese.”

    Togolese: “I wish that you tie a pillow to my back, before you flog me.” His wish was fulfilled, but the flogging was so strong that the pillow tore into pieces after 25 lashes.

    The Nigerian, upon seeing what had happened to the Togolese wished for two pillows on his back but still, the pillows got torn early.

    Now the prince turns to the Ghanaian , and says:

    “Now, since I am a big soccer fan and you play such beautiful soccer, I will be specially lenient with you. You have two wishes, but choose well.”

    Ghanaian says: “First of all I want 100 lashes”.

    The Nigerian and the Togolese look at themselves flabbergasted.

    The Sultan replies: “I do not understand it, but we will grant you the double number of lashes! And your second wish?”

    Ghanaian: “Tie the Nigerian on my back”
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked? As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
     
  17. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
     
  18. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Oldie

    Bob sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”

    Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump.”

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

    The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money.”

    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”

    The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  19. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.'
     
  20. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
    Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you.
    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response..
    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response..
    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    "Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it's chicken"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2