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Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Kurt seems to have a lot of jokes so I titled this thread in honor of him

    Please keep them clean and add yours as you see fit
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    "4 Worms In Church"

    Four worms and a lesson to be learned!

    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead

    The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .

    Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

    Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …

    So the Minister asked the congregation,

    "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

    Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

    you won't have worms!"

    That pretty much ended the service!
     
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  3. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Freddie always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

    To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Freddie could find no hope in it.

    So on the golf course one day, one of them said, "Freddie, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

    "That`s awful," said Freddie, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

    "Well," replied Freddie, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
     
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  4. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

    A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

    Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.

    The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

    It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  5. fastsix

    fastsix Premium Member

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    I just got a new iPhone and I see on the weather app that it's supposed to rain today. I look outside and there's not a cloud in the sky, so I ask Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?!" and Siri says back, "It is going to rain, and stop calling me Shirley!" ...Left the damn thing on Airplane mode again.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2016
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  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Ga8tor Bill is really referring to my email list where we share 20 + jokes a week plus interesting other items. And yes, some of the items are not fit for sharing on Gator Country, but those are the ones that would make milk come out your nose.

    Here are a few from this week from the emails that Bill did not post:

    Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
    Of course I was a bit on edge because all of my friends have either gone under the knife or
    had those pellets implanted.

    The waiting room was filled with patients.

    As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large
    unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler.

    I gave her my name.

    In a very large voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here, and you want to
    see the doctor about impotence, right?"

    All the patients in the waiting room whipped around to have to look at me, A NOW VERY

    EMBARASSED MAN.
    But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT

    A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!"

    Everyone in the room erupted in applause.
     
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  7. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

    I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

    I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay) and put it in the center of the yard.

    Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.
     
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  8. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. > Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of
    this one.
    It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

    Symptoms:
    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
    Done that!
    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
    That too!
    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
    Yep!
    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
    Aha!
    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
    Well darn!
    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
    Oh, no not again!
    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
    And I just hate that!
    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
    Oh No!
    T'S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

    Have I already sent this to you?
    Or did you send it to me?
     
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  9. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."


    "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
     
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  10. Gatorrick22

    Gatorrick22 GC Hall of Fame

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    LMFAO!
     
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  11. Gatorrick22

    Gatorrick22 GC Hall of Fame

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    LMFAO! Wish I could rep you ten times on this one, Kurt. :D
     
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  12. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Then you should be on my email list for jokes.

    2 rules to join:
    1.
     
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  13. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Sorry about that:
    1. I censor nothing, so something I send will probably offend you at some point.
    2. Send me whatever you get so I can share.

    Anyone who wants in can start a conversation with me to be put that you want to be on the joke list.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2016
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  14. fastsix

    fastsix Premium Member

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    At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?" "Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"
     
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  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
    "Almost every night!!?????"
    "Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"
     
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  16. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them. The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

    The man says "You have a deal Doc."

    Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

    The doctor says "What happened"?

    The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"
     
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  17. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE



    Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. Hence, there is thunder and lightning.
    Commandment 2 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
    Commandment 3 Marriage is grand --; and divorce is at least 100 grand!
    Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
    Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
    Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
    Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
    Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
    Commandment 9 Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but those men already have a husband.
    Commandment 10 Man is incomplete until he marries; After that, he is finished.
     
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  18. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A HEALTHY PHILOSOPHY


    HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


    And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
     
  19. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
    The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
    The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
     
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  20. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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