Two nuns

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by kurt_borglum, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two Scottish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.



    "Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.



    The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".



    So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!


    Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks? "Was that cross enough?"
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  2. Gatorrick22
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    Gatorrick22 Well-Known Member

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    Lol...
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  3. grayg8rstevo
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    The nuns who taught me in elementary school are turning in their graves. Of course, i helped them to an early passing but...
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  4. deathroll
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    deathroll Well-Known Member

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  5. g8orbill
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    LMAO
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  6. Speedofsand
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    Speedofsand New Member

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    [​IMG]
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  7. gregthegator
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    gregthegator Well-Known Member

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    Mother Superior, a Nun, and a Novice were talking one night and and three regretted missing on a lot of fun during their lives so they decided that each would play one prank to get it out of their systems.

    A couple of days later, the three got together to report their mischief.

    "I hid a condom in the Pastor's drawer!" Declared the Mother Superior.
    " I saw you do it, so after you left, I snuck in and put a pin hole in it!" said the Nun.



    The Novice fainted.
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  8. King8r
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    King8r Premium Member

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    Two nuns are out for a bike ride, and as it starts getting late they decide to take a short cut through the village to the convent.

    One sister, obviously nervous, says, "I've never come this way before."

    The other nun quietly says, "It's the cobblestones."
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  9. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

    "Thank goodness," says an elderly nun at the back. "I am so tired of Chardonnay
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  10. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two nuns are asked to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

    After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

    In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

    "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

    "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

    The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

    "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
  11. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Four nuns go to make their confessions. The first nun says “Father, I have sinned. I touched a man’s penis.”
    The Father asks “Which hand did you use, Sister?”
    “My right, Father.”
    “Fine my child, just wash your right hand in the Holy Water fountain, then recite 20 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys.”

    The second nun says “Father, I also touched a man’s penis, but with my left hand.”
    The father replies, “Child,you must wash your left hand in the Holy Water fountain and also recite the same prayers.”

    The Father asks the third nun if she also has a sin to confess. But before she could answer, the fourth nun excitedly interrupts and says. “Father, Father, please, I want to confess my sin before the Sister, because I want to wash out my mouth with the Holy Water before you make her wash her p*ssy.”
  12. kurt_borglum
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    Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

    "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

    Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.

    The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
    in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry
    to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

    The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
  13. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
  14. kurt_borglum
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    A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

    As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

    Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

    The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

    "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

    "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

    "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

    "Well, I really don't know ..."

    "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

    "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

    "Well let's go inside and settle this"

    "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

    "You're on!" said the guy.

    The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

    The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!"
  15. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
    she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
    your body goes first?"

    Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

    Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

    Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
    front of you and God just takes your hands first."

    "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
    legs."

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

    "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

    Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
    other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"

    If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

    The nun fainted
  16. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    SISTERS Math And Logic
    There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives...

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

    (And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)
  17. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    (Okay, the nun connection is a bit thin on this one, but its there)
    Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

    The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
    when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue
    in the face.

    The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
    been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you
    will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

    The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
    been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine
    and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

    The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
    been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in
    the hallway you both say "screw you".

    The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
    cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
    you in front of everyone.

    The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
    the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

    OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You
    get a little each month. But not enough to live on
  18. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

    It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

    He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought Soon he sees another sign, which says:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

    Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
    possibly doing business."

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
    passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

    This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway". He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.....He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

    GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
  19. igabradley
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    igabradley Well-Known Member

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    some great ones!
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