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Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Mar 29, 2014.
Ok. I have one that haunts me still. I was abotu 13ish at the time. My buddy and I were playing Sega in my bedroom. I walked out to go get something to drink and I walk into the living room it hit me like a ton of bricks. OMG I said. My dad was just chuckling to himself as my mom was gettin up and says "your father keeps shitting himself and thinks it's hysterical" and leaves the room. I get my drink in the kitchen and head back to my room and hear dad let one go. I look at him and he points to the styrafoam container of Lima Bean Soup he is eating and laughs and just says Lima Beans... I go back to my room and we keep playing and a few minutes pass. Dad opens my door and says something about the garbage or something (nothing of any concern, he just needed an excuse to open the door). We really weren't paying attention cause we were into the game. Then.... He turns around and pokes his ass in the rrom and let us have it. You know when somehting bad is happeneing and you can't stop it and you are kind of frozen just watching it? We just sat there and stared at his butt as BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTT!!!! Then he quickly slammed the door and held onto the handle from the outside!!!! Oh my dear Lord and baby Jesus it was horrible. It was the worst thing I could ever imagine. Rotting fish and dead bloated roadkill would have been a welcome smell opposed to what my dad gave us. What made it worse was I had a blanket stuffed in my windo as to block out the light and we had jalousy (sp?) windows that (mine anyway) hadn't been opened in forever. So the air was stagnet in my room to begin with. I'm screaming for my dad to let go and all I can here is him laughing on the other end. After what seemed like forever, he let go and we barrelled out of there and ran straight outside and heaved at the air liek we had just finished a marathon. Everytime I tell this story to friends around dad he just smiles proudly like he was happy to leave such a lasting impression
This is a very true story.Back in the dayI attended ST Petersburg Jr college. I had a real tough final exam scheduled for the following morning in Logic. My roommate and I stayed up all night cramming for our exams. We took some caffeine pills and drank cups and cups of coffee to stay alert and to keep awake(hah!). All we had to eat was rice and beans. The following morning I went to my exam feeling like carp..I of course had gas galore. Halfway into the exam,I had to fart so bad that my eyes were watering. I finally was able to ease out a quiet but extremely smelly one. I immediately concentrated harder on my exam paper. I did notice the people around me look up from their papers..I continued to feign innocence. Thereafter several of the students around me got up and turned in their exam papers..
True story, about two years ago I had to pick up my daughter from dance and my stomach was killing me. The house was about 20 minutes away and so we were in the car and I rolled down the window to let one go but I wanted to make sure it was little for safety reason. It was little alright but it had lumps so I pulled in the closest gas stati0n I could find and as I was waddling in a guy passes me and laughs and he says "it's ok man, it happens to all of us." It had never happened to me before so I get to the bathroom and get in the stall and it was an explosion, it was just horrible. While I am in there another guy comes in and he says...WTF!! He didn't even pee or nothing, he just turns around and walks back out the door. Needless to say I put my boxers in the trash in the bathroom.
as you get older the duck walk gets more common
I went on a date with my college girlfriend to Outback on Archer Road. We had some great food, a good time, and then it was time to take her home. She lived less than 10 minutes from there. But as I got to the car it hit me, like a ton of bricks. I warned her that this was an emergency, and luckily her roommate was out of town so I could use the other bathroom. It was the longest seven minutes of my life. I was holding it in so tight that my legs were shaking, my eyes were watering. I was afraid to breathe. And she lived on the third floor, no elevator. I was at the point where if I tried to rush up the stairs it would have blown out of me. So it was one painful, slow step at a time. Luckily I made it, and thanks to my patented flush-and-go technique I avoided most of the splashback. That kind of thing has happened to me since, but I will never forget that night.
Not exactly a fart, but sorta-kinda related in a way. And this is a TRUE story, albeit kinda sad. A couple of year ago during the New Years holidays---Jan 2,3 or somewhere in there---I headed out on the road for my weekly sales travels. Had finished a really good lunch which included asparagus--which many of course know, will make your pee smell ungodly if you are unlucky enough to harbor the enzyme which causes the reaction. Of course--I have that enzyme and the first two pees I take after eating asparagus is strong to put it mildly.
A couple of hours down the road, I was about to bust so I pulled into a rest area on I-10 somewhere near Marianna I recall. Stepped inside and did my thing with a true gullywasher. The scent was beginning to linger and permeate the entire restroom about the time a young father--mid/late 20's I would guess--comes in with his infant son and another father I assume about the same age...20somethingish.
As the first father was doing the baby-diaper changing thing, all of a sudden I looked over to hear him starting to take a panicked tone and making whiffs with his noise, and then began to call out to his friend..."John...come here quick. Do you smell THAT? Jesus, what the heck is wrong with little Billy....his diaper smells awful" As his friend John finished up his pee, he came over and the two of them began to look over little Billy in a frantic manner--rolling that baby kid back and forth, checking his diaper, looking for something--ANYTHING which could explain that awful stench they were smelling. Apparently convinced their infant boy had some disastrous disease, he hurried up and finished the diaper changing, re-packed the kid and was telling friend John..."Man I have GOT to get to Sarah(his wife I assume who must have been in the ladies restroom) and we've got to get Billy to the closest hospital...something about this ain't right! I mean, I have NEVER had him smell this way" And out the door they flew---likely grabbing the other two wives and hauled ass in the car to find the closest ER to get their kid checked out.
I obviously could have stopped the whole thing by letting them know it was ME and my asparagus that caused the problem, but I couldn't stop laughing as I watched them fly out and down the road. I felt a little guilty later when I though there MAY have been some infant kid in a ER somewhere getting catheterized, probed, complete physical, possibly overnight stay...and it was all because I ate asparagus back in Pensacola at lunch before leaving 2 hours earlier.
before the hubby and i were married, we were living together, mostly.
so he falls asleep before i do, and i think i was reading. i turn out the light, and well, there's a tiny oot: you know, a female phart of no substance.
well you'd think so.
at any rate, this horrid, unimaginable stench takes over the room, i mean, you can almost see a green tinge to the room, and i always sleep with a fan on.
so i'm lying there mortified beyond belief, thinking, oh god, where did this come from? i've never ever done this before!!!
about this time, he rolls over and says 'what happened, did you $hit?' and i can feel my face burning, and i'm going on about how this has never happened before and apologizing profusely.
anyhow, skip through the next ten years, where occasionally he finds a need to tell this story at parties. yeah. great.
but then.....one night, maybe feeling a little guilty seeing my discomfort....he spills it. he says 'well actually that was me. i figured you KNEW it was me!!!!! it was just a coincidence, so i went with it, haha'
so there you have it, a ten year 'joke'