Starting Over

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by northgagator, Oct 24, 2013.

  1. northgagator
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    northgagator Well-Known Member

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    In the past three weeks I rarely ventured onto GatorCountry. Two weeks ago I lost a long and painful battle to save my marriage. In the past year or two I made a few post the my soon to be ex-wife suffered from a horrible disease called crps/rsd. I also mentioned that my wife and I adopted our three grand children. They are now teenagers.
    Well the past four years have been rough for my wife. Her pain never subsided and it spread. Also, the children grew into teenagers and their adolescent issues were so hard for us to manage. In the past year my wife slipped in and out of depression multiple times. Each bout of depression bought on more compulsive and expensive spending. When you factor in the medical bills with the compulsive spending our debt on unsecured loans exceeded $100,000. A year ago my wife's personality took a change. She turned on me. What started out with some sarcastic jabs at me end up being pure hatred of me. I was surprised and sadden how our last year played out. What is amazing is that we doing weekly family and marital therapy. The kids and I were making progress but my wife was regressing. No matter how hard I tried our home became a battleground. My wife would start chit and get the whole household upset. At the same time she was manipulating and using the kids as pawns. Eventually she turned the children against me. Things had turned out ugly. Through it all I continued to help my wife with her health battles. I took her to hospitals and doctors for treatments. I stayed at home while she recovered from flare ups. I even became Mr. Mom.

    Three weeks ago my wife snapped in a therapy session and announced that she hated me and that the marriage was over. Monday a week ago I came home from work. My wife was going out the door with her sister and our kids. I was told that they were going out to diner. I went to the lower level of the house that had became my new residence. I sat down and read an email my wife just sent me. It said, "had a sudden change in plans. I and the kids are moving out earlier than planned. We are headed to Texas to be near family". That was it. No apology and no good bye time with my kids.

    Before I knew it she took some a considerable amount of cash out of the checking account, used a credit card to put a lawyer on retainer, and rang up a few more thousand on another card. I was able to turn off the remaining money spigots and I got an attorney too. I tried contacting the kids but they will not talk to me or even return my texts and emails. That was eleven days ago.

    I am now over the initial shock and anger. I am filing for bankruptcy to keep me from going down the financial drain. I am doing this to keep me in in a position so that I can support my kids.

    I am keeping to the high road by not getting into the gutter with my wife and her family as the are fighting dirty. My divorce attorney is impress how I did not get into the mud slinging. She said my composure will go a long way with the kids in coming back to me.

    I will be a single man again in about 30 days. Hopefully the bankruptcy will be done by early January. The house will be on the market and I will be in a nice apartment three blocks from work and a block from a bar and a deli. I am sad about not being with my kids but one day they will come back to me and I will be ready to receive them. Other than that I am feeling good now. I my wife leaving me took a big load off of me. I lurk on the boards her but it will be awhile before I return back to friendly banter and joking we are known for her in Gator country.

    Catch you later Gators!
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  2. toon66
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    toon66 VIP Member

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    All I can say is "wow". God bless you and all the best of luck in your new life.
  3. gatorjjh
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    gatorjjh BS Jm, UF Class of '69 Premium Member

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    what a tragic turn of events, your pain is evident and your resolve is more than commendable, I am not sure I would handle a similar situation with the thoughtfulness and grace you have demonstrated.

    Nothing anyone here can say to you would lessen your pain but trust me the Pubsters rally to support our own in any way we can.

    Keep us updated on your journey and if venting or sharing helps this is the place to do it,

    You are among a myriad of unmet friends.
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  4. toon66
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    toon66 VIP Member

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    Well said.
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  5. vertigo0923
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    vertigo0923 night owl mod VIP Member

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    so saddened by this story. i wish you the best. we're all here for you.
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  6. beachpiratefla
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    beachpiratefla Resident Pirate Premium Member

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    Take care of yourself...we are here...
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  7. malscott
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    malscott Premium Member

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    I'm not sure I can offer and help. But I'm empathetic to your struggles. Be a contribution in people's live like you have been and more good people will soon surround you. Don't spend too much time in that bar near the house. When you're ready some poon-tang will take the edge off of your pain and suffering. Best of luck and remember, kids are smart enough to know what's really going on. Once the emotional stress has subsided things will become clearer for them.
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  8. GatoRella
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    GatoRella Premium Member

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    Man that is a bad deal.

    Ive got $10 on cocaine and strippers to take your mind off it. :)
  9. MeyerIsBack
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    MeyerIsBack Premium Member

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    I am far from a lawyer but I don't think your wife can just up and leave with the kids.

    So sorry man, I wish you the best. I am in North Georgia in the mountains. If we are close I would like to buy you beer or two.
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  10. MiddleTNgator
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    MiddleTNgator Active Member

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    Wow, sorry to hear about all that. Keep staying strong.
  11. GatrHeel
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    GatrHeel Member

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    I'm sorry to hear that as well. Hang in there. It'll get better.
  12. g8r925
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    g8r925 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear of your struggles and the turmoil you have been in, will be praying for you and your situation, as a child that had gone through something similar, your children will see the truth.
  13. northgagator
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    northgagator Well-Known Member

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    When I finished reading that mother F@&$er of all Dear John letters I really lost my cool. My first words that I let loose were "You B#%ch". I had the composure of a wounded bear. Then I made two phone calls. The first one was to my wife who was at a restaurant and I blasted her gofer not letting me have a last evening with my kids. I also told her that I was calling the cops. The second call was to 911. I advised the dispatcher of the situation. She sent a patrol car to my house. Ten minutes later the patrol car was in my driveway. The officer advise me that my wife was not violating any laws as long as she came back home with the kids and stayed put. He did say if she left the stay with the intent of leaving then she was violating my parental rights. Unfortunately for me it would require a court order to bring the kids back. The kids had already been through enough and did not understand that they were pawns in a game. A game that I was not playing. Dragging them back from Texas would do more harm than good.

    At this time my objective is not to just survive but to thrive. To me surviving is under achieving. Today I had a meeting with a representative with a nonprofit organization called Creditability.com. They are going to help stay out of bankruptcy. They are going to help me settle with the any creditors without bankruptcy and pay them the remainder of my debt with in five years.. What is saving my ass is my high income and future earning potential. My credit rating will still take a beating and paying off the the debt will be had but at least I will still have a credit rating. This is a far better option than chapter 13.
  14. gatorjjh
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    gatorjjh BS Jm, UF Class of '69 Premium Member

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    NorthGa you are on the right path, making rational decisions and keeping the children as the main priority is essential to a solid rebound. Glad to hear you will be able to avoid the bankruptcy hassle and come away from the financial mess without a clean record.

    I hope you will keep your Pubster friends in the loop as you move forward.
  15. rburnett
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    rburnett Well-Known Member

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    Damn what a story. If I were starting over, I would start with the Babes Thread. Hang in there man. Go gators.
  16. SurfinG8or
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    SurfinG8or Well-Known Member

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    I hope it all works out for you North.
  17. G8trGr8t
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    G8trGr8t Premium Member

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    +1 Very well put so all I can do is agree.
  18. Jaggator
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    Jaggator Well-Known Member

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    North, I don't know what to say for I've never been in this position before. I'll pray for you/ex and the children to get things worked out.

    I thought of the saying, "hell has no wrath like a woman scorned" when I was reading your post.

    BTW, keep lurking on the boards as it's proven to be good therapy.
  19. bakaduin
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    bakaduin Super Moderator

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    At the very least showing that your wife left with the kids will help you in court if you fight for custody.
  20. lwg8tr
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    I can totally feel for you my friend. My then wife of 19 years on the night of her 40th birthday, after I gave her a surprise birthday party... 2am to be exact blurted out in bed..."**** I can't do this anymore, I love you but I am just not in love with you anymore, I need to make some changes". We went to bed and I chalked it up to the booze. But after a night of me lying there sleepless in the AM over coffee I asked her what she wanted, after a long pause she says "I just want it amicable ****, for the kids. I want a divorce, I am just cannot be happy in this marriage, I just don't feel that way about you.". That was 2+ years ago and I honestly say its been the most painful and wonderful period of my life. My wife was my life, I adored her, and I tried to make it work, but she later confessed she never from the beginning felt that way about me....OUCH!

    Be prepared for the "dying" period, the black days that are coming. Not going to tell you it's going to be easy, its going to test you as a man, your fortitude, your faith. A marriage dying is like a death. You need to have a good support system and MEN that can be your backstop, your sounding board. I advice you look into DivorceCare at your local church, they saved my life when I felt worthless, ugly and so rejected. But if you can weather the storm, the first 3-6 months....you will be absolutely amazed at how it will lift, how JOY will return. You will have bouts of "The black days" but they do not last. One place you need to get to is FORGIVENESS, real forgiveness in a biblical sense, where you let it go to G*d. That does not mean you forget or adopt a touchy feely, airy fairy delusion that what she did to you, that you deserved and you UNDERSTAND why she walked away. You forgive for yourself, you put the bricks down. You NEED to get to that point, at that point your heart will begin to heal. You cannot see it now but you are off to some wonderful changes in your life, you can't even imagine it right now.

    I so feel for you my friend, just remember G*d weeps with you, he cares and loves you so much and does not want you to be in pain. He's there to help heal your broken heart.

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