Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    I was at the Senior Center today and failed a health and safety course given to us old fogies. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what kind of steps would you take?”

    “Freaking big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.




    I know I am getting older. The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
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  2. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.
    "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.
    "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organ."
    So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
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  3. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.
    The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!"


    "What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy.
    The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA."


    The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.".
    The old lady yells "what did he say?"
    "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies.
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  4. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want 5 loaves."

    She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .....

    By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."
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  5. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
    attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

    The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining
    room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to
    order an enormous breakfast.

    He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his
    young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
    out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
    her to repeat the order.

    The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for
    their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
    "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
    like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

    "That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd
    saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was
    talking about money!"
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  6. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

    Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Sunny: "What's that?"

    Tina: "A condom."

    Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

    Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

    The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

    The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

    "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

    The pharmacist fainted.
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  7. NOLAGATOR

    NOLAGATOR GC Hall of Fame

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    A man is stranded on an island for 10 years when he is rescued.

    The rescuer sees three huts and asks, "There are three huts is there anyone else?"

    The man says, "No, that's my house and the larger hut is my Church" pointing to a large hut.

    And the rescuer asks, "Then what is that for? pointing to another large hut.

    "Oh, that's my old church." the man said. "Me and the Pastor had a falling out"
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  8. NOLAGATOR

    NOLAGATOR GC Hall of Fame

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    A women wants to find a husband and sees an add on the net, "The Husband Store"

    She calls them up and makes an appointment.

    When she gets there she goes into the office and a man explains the contract.

    The manger explains, "We have 5 floors. On each floor we have different husband types. You get off on the floor you like. But you can't go back. Your decision is final"

    "Okay", she squeals excitedly. "Let's get this show on the road"

    "On floor 1 we have men that are physically attractive to you", the manger says.

    She says, "I want a little more"

    "Well on floor 2 we have attractive me with jobs", the manger continues.

    "And?" the women questions.

    On floor 3 we have: "Good Looking Men, With Jobs, and are Great with Kids"

    "Wow ,that sounds awesome. And 4?" she asks.

    "On 4, we have Attractive Men, with Jobs, who Love Children....AND Do Housework" , the Manager proudly says.

    "Then I want Floor 5" the women demands. "Take me to 5...NOW"

    "But you have not heard"...."NOW screams the women"

    So, up to Floor 5 they go and the door opens.

    "You must exit here" the Manger demands.

    The floor is packed with women and no men.

    "What is this?" the women questions. "There are only women. Where are all the men?"

    "Oh, this is the floor for all the Women who are never satisfied.":rolleyes:
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
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  9. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

    He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

    Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

    Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

    Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
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  10. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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  11. outbackjack

    outbackjack Premium Member

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    Miguel the Magician was at a party....and decided to try out a new trick.

    He went up to some froeand said....

    “On the count of 3, I can disappear, right before your eyes”

    The group was curious to say the least.

    Miguel started to count...

    Uno.
    Dos.

    Poof. He was gone. Just like that.

    Without a trace.
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  12. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A Mexican man who speaks no English goes into a department store to buy socks.

    He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

    "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

    "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

    "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

    "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.

    "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

    "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.

    "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

    "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.

    "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

    "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

    "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

    As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

    "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
  13. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

    'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

    'No,' I replied.

    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

    ID10T

    I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
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  14. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand GC Hall of Fame

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    A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of Nashville, Tennessee. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
    While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from southeast middle Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
    The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
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  15. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
    After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
    "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and SWISH!, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. What a feat! exclaimed the Emperor. Number two Samurai, show me what you can do. The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He drew his sword and SWISH!SWISH, the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.
    "That is skill," nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three?" The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan-Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his sword and SWOOOOOOOOOOSH, flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room, but the fly was still buzzing around.
    In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly is not dead!" "Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy ~ but circumcised?"
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  16. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

    The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

    "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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  17. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
    The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
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  18. AlfaGator

    AlfaGator GC Hall of Fame

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    Grammar Lesson

    On his 68th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with the Cherokee Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

    The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, "1-2-3. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

    The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?”


    And that, boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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  19. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

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  20. gatorknights

    gatorknights GC Hall of Fame

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    Of all the calls I've had to make over the last month or two, it might not have sucked so much. :D