Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
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  2. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    I walk up to a ratty homeless man, he stunk and was in rags. He asks for $1.00 for food.

    I asked him if it was for booze, he said no he gave up drinking. I ask if it is for greens fees to play golf. Heck no he says, cant afford golf.

    Good, I tell him, come home with me, my wife will cook you a great meal. Why , he asks.

    So I can show my wife what a man will become if he gives up drinking and golf.
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  3. malscott

    malscott Premium Member

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    Funny Story:

    Diary of a snow shoveler…

    December 8: 6:00 PM. 2006
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9: 2006
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12: 2006
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

    December 14: 2006
    Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

    December 15: 2006
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.



    December 16: 2006
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17: 2006
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20: 2006
    Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

    December 22: 2006
    Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

    December 23: 2006
    Only 2″ of snow today, and it warmed up to “0”. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

    December 24: 2006
    6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

    December 25: 2006
    Merry Freaking Christmas. 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26: 2006
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

    December 27: 2006
    Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28: 2006
    Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

    December 29: 2006
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30: 2006
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

    December 31: 2006
    I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8: 2007
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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  4. malscott

    malscott Premium Member

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    Funny Directions:

    How to give a cat a pill:


    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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  5. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    That cat joke is too true. We had years ago 2 cats, they decided to go crazy. We took to vet. He recommended a cat prozac (yep!). We put in their food. No behavior change. We then tried the above. They appeared to swallow the pill, then we would follow and both would spit it out in another room. Are they really that smart.

    Finally, the vet said, let them be cats.

    We had 2 kids eons ago. We decided to have them take vitamins and protein shakes in the morning. They made them or so we thought. They simply were making the sound of the blender and throwing the vitamins and shakes in the disposal. Told us years ago that they never liked the taste.
  6. WhattaGator

    WhattaGator All Along The Watchtower Moderator VIP Member

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    When I was married, we had FIVE of them!

    They could be lovable, but it just might have led me back to being single again!
  7. GatorNavy

    GatorNavy Damn the torpedoes! Moderator Premium Member

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    They're lovable until they feel like to taking your nose off.
  8. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one by myself...
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  9. scrappygator

    scrappygator Premium Member

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    Good Neighbor

    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

    The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you.

    I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

    Regards, Alan.
    ----------------------------
    Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.

    He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

    He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:
    --------------------------
    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

    Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey!

    Regards, Alan
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  10. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand GC Hall of Fame

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  11. gatormonk

    gatormonk GC Hall of Fame

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    I was going to tell you all a time travel joke but you didn't like it.
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  12. g8rtrucker

    g8rtrucker VIP Member

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    There aren't enough emojis to represent the level of my laughter at this. Well done :)
  13. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Dear Walter,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was fired from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Shelly

    Dear Sheila,

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

    WALTER
  14. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

    He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

    Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

    "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

    "No,get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

    "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

    So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

    So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
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  15. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won't ask for directions."
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  16. shelbygt350

    shelbygt350 GC Hall of Fame

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    Donald and Hillary run into each other in the winter in northern Wisconsin. They sit down in private and she starts with "I really won the popular vote", to which he replies "You are a two time loser, me a non politician and some unheard of guy with a goofy name from Kenya." She retorts, "You are a sexist racist pig." He retorts, "You are a fishwife, that's why your so called husband chases poon and I would not grope your fat butt with another guys hands." The argument goes on until she says, I can beat you again, to which he replies, in what......falling down, breaking cell phones...... fishing?

    "Yes...even fishing...right here" her anger causes her to reply.

    The challenge is on, so off they go to do ice fishing, the one with most fish has to admit in public that he or she really admires the other.

    After a couple of hours ice fishing, Donald shows up with 8 fish. Hillary none. "I demand a recount" she says.

    They try again the next morning. Donald shows up with 14 fish, Hillary again with none.

    Huma whispers to Hillary, "He is a cheat. Let's follow him and see where he's buying the fish then go buy more"

    So Hillary, Huma and the entourage quietly follow The Donald.

    He begins.

    At that point Hillary yells to all "Trump cheats. Trump is a big fat cheater. He cut a hole in the ice"
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  17. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2018
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  18. NOLAGATOR

    NOLAGATOR GC Hall of Fame

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    A structural engineer has a bridge he designed collapse and kill several people.

    He gets so depressed he dies of grief.

    Satan has the Grim Reaper go and collect the guy.:devil:

    The engineer is so distraught with guilt he does not even resist.

    God finds out that this was a huge mistake and goes to hell to collect his engineer.

    GOD: Lucifer, you got my engineer and I am here to take him to Heaven. You know he does not belong here.

    SATAN: Oh, no. He is here now and I like this guy. It was dark and he installed lights. I was thirsty and he put in fountains. Geez, he even put in AC. NO, you ain’t getting him back.

    GOD: Lucifer, you know he is mine and I am taking him to Heaven. You give him back or else!!!:mad:

    SATAN: What are YOU going to do?....SUE ME?

    GOD: Well yes, I just might SUE.

    SATAN: Busting out laughing, “Where are you going to find an ATTORNEY?”:eek:
    • Winner Winner x 1
  19. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Jesus, Moses, and an old guy are playing golf.

    Moses is up first. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, and sinks. Moses walks up to the water, parts the water, walks across the dry land to the ball, hits it, and it lands on the green.

    Jesus is up next. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, and lands on a log. Jesus walks on the water over to the log, hits it, and it lands on the green.

    The old guy is up next. He lines up his shot, and hits the ball. The ball bounces across the water, hits the ball, and ricochets off the log onto a lilypad. A frog comes, and eats the ball. Then, a bird comes, picks up the frog, and drops him on the green. The ball rolls out of the frog’s mouth, and into the hole, scoring a hole in one.

    Moses turns to Jesus and says “I hate playing golf with your dad.”
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  20. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    An elderly couple invites another couple over for dinner...

    After their meal, the wives left the table to go clean up in the kitchen.

    The two elderly gents were left talking, and one says to the other, "Last night we went out to this fantastic new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."

    The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone?"

    His friend replies: "A carnation?"

    "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "A poppy?"

    "No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

    His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
    • Funny Funny x 1