Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'G8orbill's GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. brainstorm
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    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past. "Aye, Paddy. That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich." "What's that then Declan?" "I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."
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  2. brainstorm
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    Another old one:

    Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.

    Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?

    Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."

    The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word."

    "Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?"

    Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."

    The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."

    "Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a …?"

    Hank yells out "Farm!"

    The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please spell it."

    Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"
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  3. brainstorm
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    Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

    One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore he was right and that the other three were misguided. Exasperated by the stubbornness of the others, he fell to his knees.

    "Oh, Lord, give me a sign to show that I am right and that these other three are wrong."

    Just as he finished, four storm clouds blew in over the golf course. Three all merged into a single larger cloud, but the fourth blasted through the larger cloud, dissipating it.

    As smug as the fourth rabbi was, the other three insisted that this was nothing that couldn't be explained by natural phenomena and that he was still wrong. Again, he fell to his knees.

    "Oh, Lord, please give another sign to show that I am right on this."

    As he was finishing his prayer, a single storm cloud blew in and sent a fork of lightning down on four trees standing on a nearby hill. Three of the trees were destroyed and the fourth remained intact. Again, though, the three rabbis argued that it was a hot summer day and the occasional freak lightning storm didn't signify anything.

    "Oh, Lord," he began again before being cut off by a billowing voice from the clouds.

    "HE'S RIGHT!" the voice boomed.

    One of the three rabbis simply shrugged at this. "Alright. So now it's three to two."
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  4. gnvgator
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    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.
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  5. gnvgator
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    A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

    The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. Then the judge suggested he live with his grandparents; the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

    Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns whom the boy firmly believed were incapable of beating anyone.
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  6. g8orbill
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    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

    "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
    Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
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