Kurt's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'GatorTail Pub' started by g8orbill, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past. "Aye, Paddy. That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich." "What's that then Declan?" "I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."
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  2. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Another old one:

    Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.

    Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?

    Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."

    The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word."

    "Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?"

    Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."

    The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."

    "Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a …?"

    Hank yells out "Farm!"

    The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please spell it."

    Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"
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  3. brainstorm

    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

    One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore he was right and that the other three were misguided. Exasperated by the stubbornness of the others, he fell to his knees.

    "Oh, Lord, give me a sign to show that I am right and that these other three are wrong."

    Just as he finished, four storm clouds blew in over the golf course. Three all merged into a single larger cloud, but the fourth blasted through the larger cloud, dissipating it.

    As smug as the fourth rabbi was, the other three insisted that this was nothing that couldn't be explained by natural phenomena and that he was still wrong. Again, he fell to his knees.

    "Oh, Lord, please give another sign to show that I am right on this."

    As he was finishing his prayer, a single storm cloud blew in and sent a fork of lightning down on four trees standing on a nearby hill. Three of the trees were destroyed and the fourth remained intact. Again, though, the three rabbis argued that it was a hot summer day and the occasional freak lightning storm didn't signify anything.

    "Oh, Lord," he began again before being cut off by a billowing voice from the clouds.

    "HE'S RIGHT!" the voice boomed.

    One of the three rabbis simply shrugged at this. "Alright. So now it's three to two."
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  4. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.
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  5. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

    The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. Then the judge suggested he live with his grandparents; the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

    Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns whom the boy firmly believed were incapable of beating anyone.
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  6. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

    "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
    Sundays."

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
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  7. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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    Meet Walter Barnes


    All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

    Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

    80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.


    All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

    "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

    "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

    "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

    The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply;


    "I outlived all them assholes."


    Then he calmly returned to his seat.
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  8. rock8591

    rock8591 GC Hall of Fame

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    When I pass away 100 years down the road, I want the Cleveland Browns team to be pallbearers at my funeral; that way, they will let me down for the last time.
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  9. rock8591

    rock8591 GC Hall of Fame

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    Why did Timothy McVeigh's funeral have only TWO pallbearers?

    A garbage can has only 2 handles.
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  10. etennant

    etennant Premium Member

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    A guy call his wife's doctor to find out the results of her tests. When the doctor answers he asks "do we know what is wrong with my wife yet?" The physician replies "I'm not sure, but have narrowed it down and am waiting on the genetic testing results."

    The husband says that he is worried and asks if the doctor can share his possible diagnoses. He says "Yes, but I can't be certain until the test results are back. Mr. Smith, I believe your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's." The husband is flabbergasted and bemoans how terrible either disease is.

    The husband then asks if there is anything he can do until the results are finalized. The doctor ponders for a minute and shares that he may actually be able to help.

    He says "Mr. Smith I suggest you take your wife on a ride in the car and when you are about four miles from home drop her off and leave her. If she finds her way home don't screw her."
  11. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Why should single young men date only homeless women?


    Because after you screw them you can drop them off.............anywhere.
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  12. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Two guys from Philadelphia die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Philly, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Philly and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Philadelphia, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 guys from Philadelphia . He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The 2 look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Eagles won the Super Bowl!"
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  13. g8rtrucker

    g8rtrucker VIP Member

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    Good timing:D
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  14. lacuna

    lacuna The Conscience of Too Hot VIP Member

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    A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

    "No," she says. "I just want to sleep."

    He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.

    "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.

    She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

    He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?"

    The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
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  15. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.


    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.


    There are two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

    2. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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  16. kurt_borglum

    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS

    UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER

    TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS

    AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.


    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT

    AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS

    THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE

    SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE

    WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T

    LISTEN TO REASON.


    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M

    MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,

    "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE

    SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


    I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
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  17. gnvgator

    gnvgator GC Hall of Fame

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    Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
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  18. g8orbill

    g8orbill Old Gator VIP Member

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  19. Bazza

    Bazza GC Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
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  20. Speedofsand

    Speedofsand GC Hall of Fame

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    SECURITY GUARD: "You can't bring outside food in here."

    ME: "This is a service burrito."
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