Jokes about occupations

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by kurt_borglum, Mar 27, 2014.

  1. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Okay, new thread. Looking for jokes about occupations. No standards about lawyers like empty seat on a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff, let's do some more original and less heard jokes. I will start:

    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.":)
    • Funny Funny x 4
  2. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    This kind of lawyer joke:
    There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

    The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a prettywoman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

    She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

    He said, "Why, yes I am!"

    So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

    When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
    • Funny Funny x 4
  3. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
    A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    Drug dealer and hooker are occupations. Never said they had to be legal ones
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  4. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.
  5. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
    Gladiator.
    (Used to be a job)
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  6. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Q: How do you confuse an archaeologist?
    A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
    (Hey, just remember what you are paying for these jokes!)
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. gregthegator
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    gregthegator Well-Known Member

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    Windows vs Ford

    For all of us who
    feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have
    enhanced our lives, read on.

    At a recent computer expo
    (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
    the auto industry and stated,

    "If Ford had kept up with technology
    like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars
    that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments,
    Ford issued a press release stating:

    If Ford had developed technology like
    Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
    characteristics (and I just love this part):


    1. For no reason
    whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

    2.. Every time they repainted the lines
    in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3... Occasionally
    your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
    pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
    car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
    continue.
    For some reason you would simply
    accept this.

    4.... Occasionally, executing a
    maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and
    refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
    the engine.

    5..... Macintosh would make a car
    that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and
    twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the
    roads.

    6...... The oil, water temperature, and
    alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This
    Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
    warning light.

    7.......
    The airbag system would ask, "Are you
    sure?" before deploying.

    8........ Occasionally, for no
    reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you
    in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
    and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9......... Every time a new car
    was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
    over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
    manner as the old car.

    10.......... You'd have to press
    the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

    11.......When all else fails, you could
    call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in
    some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. ursidman
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    ursidman Well-Known Member

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    Two Chemists walk into a bar. The first Chemist says "I'll have an H20." The second Chemist says I'll have an H20 too. The second chemist died.
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Useful Useful x 1
  9. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Like that one Ursidman!
  10. FoxGator
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    FoxGator Sly as a Fox Premium Member

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    There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't!
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    • Winner Winner x 1
  11. brainstorm
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    brainstorm VIP Member

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    A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
    The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
    "Why do you wear that leather vest?"
    "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."
    "Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
    "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
    "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
    "That's so nobody will think I'm a taxi driver."
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. Gator515151
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    Gator515151 Well-Known Member

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    I'll tell one on my own occupation.......

    Three young boys were waiting at the bus stop for the school bus and one boy was braging on his daddy. He said "My daddy is an Orange County fire fighter and he is really fast." One of the other boys asked "How fast is he?" The boy answered, "He is so fast that he can turn the water on at the fire hydrant and run to the end of the hose before the water gets there."

    The second boy answered "That's fast but my daddy is an Orange County Sheriff deputy and he is so fast that he can draw his service revolver, fire six shots and run to the target before the bullets hit."

    The third boy said, "That's pretty quick but my daddy is an Orange County building inspector and he is so fast that he gets home at 12 o'clock and he doesn't get off work until 3:30".
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. jewood592
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    All are fitting but number 8 really made me chuckle.
  14. jewood592
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    Im kinda embarrased I get that;)
  15. jewood592
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    I didnt know you were a school bus driver 51:)
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  16. gregthegator
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    gregthegator Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a barber shop and says "Bob Peters here?"

    The barber replies "Nope. Just shaves and haircuts".
  17. gogatas
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    gogatas Member

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    Not exactly a job per se but funny.

    Wikipedia: I know everything!
    Google: I have everything!
    Facebook: I know everybody!
    Internet: Without me you are nothing!
    Electricity: Keep talking bitches!
  18. ATL_Gator
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    A thief, a murderer, and an engineer were convicted of crimes and sentenced to death by guillotine.

    The thief was placed in the guillotine face up, the lever pulled. BAM. The blade stops an inch above his neck. He opens his eyes and proclaims, "this is divine intervention!" He was set free, and ran away.

    The murderer was placed in the guillotine face up next, the lever pulled. BAM. The blade again stops an inch above his neck. He opens his eyes and proclaims, "the hand of God has saved me!" He was also set free, and ran away.

    The engineer was then placed in the guillotine face up. He suddenly shouts out "Wait a minute, I see the problem!"
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. Gatorgal04
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    Jim´s barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

    "Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn´t work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.

    Julie, after a pause, said, "Well, in that case, I´d like to cancel the policy on my husband."
  20. Gatorgal04
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    A lawyer and a broker were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I´m here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."

    "That´s quite a coincidence," said the broker. "I´m here because my house was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

    The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

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