Jewish comedian jokes of the past

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by kurt_borglum, Aug 5, 2014.

  1. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    You may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others?
    You may have only heard of them. But some of us miss their kind of humor. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

    * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

    * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

    * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

    * My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

    * My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

    * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

    * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

    * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

    * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

    * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

    *Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

    * Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

    *The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

    *There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

    Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
    A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

    *Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
    A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

    *Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
    A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

    *A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

    *A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

    *A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

    Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
    A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

    Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

    A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.
    On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

    Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

    Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
    A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

    Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
    A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

    I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
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  2. RayGator
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    RayGator VIP Member

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    They were great!

    Also remember Jack Benny. "I'm 39" he would always say. He was each Sunday night at 9:00 P.M. CBS. 30 minutes. One time in one of skits a guy was going to rob him. He said I don't have any money. The guy acted like he was going to shoot him. Benny said, "Don't do that. I want to live to be 40!" I think his real last name was something like "Benpelski." His parents were immigrants from Poland.

    Milton Berle was also great! He had a one hour show, and it went by fast! Monday nights at 9:00 P.M. on CBS. His first sponsor was Texaco, then in 1954 it became Buick.

    There is one other Jewish comedian who was great but I can't remember his name right now. He was in a couple of movies and would often be a guest on a TV show. In his later years he was often on Johnny Carson's show. And speaking of Carson, no, he wasn't Jewish but they don't have late night TV guys on as good as he was anymore.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2014
  3. wygator
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    wygator Well-Known Member

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    Are you thinking of Jackie Mason?
  4. G8rNkoko
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    G8rNkoko Well-Known Member

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    Great Jewish comedy geniuses include:

    Henny Youngman
    Buddy Hackett
    George Jessel
    Jack Benny
    Jackie Mason
    Rodney Dangerfield
    Sid Caeser
    Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Zeppo.
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  5. G8rNkoko
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    G8rNkoko Well-Known Member

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    Almost forgot.

    Mel Brooks
    Jerry Lewis
    Alan King
    Don Rickles
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  6. RayGator
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    No, it was Don Rickles.
    Just him mentioned by Nkoko.
  7. Spurffelbow833
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    Spurffelbow833 Well-Known Member

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    Rodney Dangerfield was my favorite. I made the mistake of watching him host SNL the day after a hernia repair. I did a pretty good job of holding back the laughter until he said "My daughter has birth control pills that look like Fred Flintstone." That did me in.

    No respect, I tell ya. When I was a kid, I asked my father if I could go ice skating. He said, "Wait till it gets warmer."
    My wife's the worst cook in the world. The flies chipped in to fix the back porch screen.
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  8. brainstorm
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    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Rodney is one of the few that could get me to laugh out loud. Great jokes. One after another after another. Great delivery. And his facial expressions were awesome!
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  9. Kirby
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    Kirby Well-Known Member

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    He was great in Caddyshack, also
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  10. rpmGator
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    Groucho asks a woman, are you going to the theater tonight?

    She reply's, yes I am.

    He asks, would you like me to hold your seat for you.

    She says yes.

    Groucho say, Ok, I will hold it until we get to the theater, then you are on your own.
  11. vangator
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    Joey Bishop was on and hosted Johnny's show a lot.
  12. wygator
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    wygator Well-Known Member

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    Found these on marriage:

    Rodney Dangerfield



    "With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me."



    "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender."



    "My wife wants sex in the back of the car. The only problem is, she wants me to drive."



    "My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met."



    "My wife was afraid of the dark . . . then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."



    "We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations-- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."



    "My marriage is on the rocks again, My wife just broke up with her boyfriend"



    "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."



    "If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex at all."



    "I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."



    "A girls phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."



    "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."



    "I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice-- I don't know if I'm coming or going."





    Groucho Marx



    "Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."



    "Women should be obscene and not heard."



    "A man is only as old as the woman he feels."



    "Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do."



    "Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."



    "Marriage is a wonderful institution . . . but who wants to live in an institution?"



    "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."



    "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

    Henny Youngman



    "Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it."



    "She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
  13. StrangeGator
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    Great stuff. I hadn't heard most of those. Even my wife had only heard about half of them and she's from Queens.

    No respect for Lenny Bruce? Then there's his reincarnation, Sarah Silverman. I know she offends most people, but she's the most brilliant and courageous comic alive. And damn she's hot.
  14. StrangeGator
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    Johnny was pretty quick with the Jewish humor. Remember when Ed Ames threw the tomahawk at the human shaped target and hit it in the groin? Johnny quickly dubbed him "Frontier Mohel."
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  15. wygator
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    wygator Well-Known Member

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    here's the clip

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  16. RayGator
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    It's always amazing to me, the things you young guys know how to do on here! :)
  17. mfpardnor2
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    Best Gator Growl ever was when Rodney was the Star
  18. rock8591
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    One of my friends wanted me to find him a good Jewish spouse, so I did. Got her all picked out. Last name's Goldberg.

    Whoopi Goldberg.

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