I need bad puns

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by missourigator, Apr 1, 2014.

  1. missourigator
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    missourigator Member

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    I am suppose to do a roast of your Dean who loves bad puns. If you have any I would appreciate it.
  2. exiledgator
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    exiledgator Gruntled Premium Member

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    · I tried to catch some fog. I mist.



    · When chemists die, they barium.



    · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



    · I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



    · How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



    · I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



    · This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



    · I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



    · I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .



    · They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.



    · A dyslexic man walks into a bra .



    · PMS jokes aren't funny, period.



    · Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.



    · Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.



    · The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.



    · The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.



    · Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



    · When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



    · What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.



    · I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



    · Broken pencils are pointless.



    · What do you call a dinosaur with anextensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



    · England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .



    · I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



    · All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.



    · I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



    · Velcro - what a rip off!



    · Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.



    · Venison for dinner? Oh deer!



    · Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.



    · I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.





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  3. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tour nament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him ...(Oh,man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
  4. ursidman
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    ursidman Well-Known Member

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    Back in the 30s when professional baseball was less strict on substance abuse, drinking, even during a game was not uncommon. At that time the Boston Braves had a pitcher named Mel Famey who enjoyed getting a snootful during games he was not scheduled to pitch. However, inevitably, a game vs the Giants went far into extra innings and drunken Mel was called on to pitch. He was having difficulty focusing and walked 4 consecutive batters, losing the game. Thereafter, the Giants always claimed it was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us.
  5. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    So, did you use any?
  6. missourigator
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    missourigator Member

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    no not yet. I don't do it until the 22nd of April. but I intend to use a bunch of them, thanks for the help.

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