I Married the Wrong Person, Now What?

Discussion in 'Too Hot for Swamp Gas' started by gatorplank, Nov 10, 2013.

  1. gatorplank
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    gatorplank Well-Known Member

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    I am no married man, but I thought this article was worth sharing. It gives you something to think about if you are married or if you might be married one day.

    [​IMG]

    We know the divorce rate stats. Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. As a caterer and a preacher I probably attend more weddings in a year than anyone attends in a lifetime. I can tell you this: no one looks worried about the divorce rate at a wedding. No one. Worried about the cake falling over, yes. Worried about a wrinkle on a tablecloth, yes. Worried about whether or not the mash potatoes on the buffet are good enough, yes. But no one is worried about divorce. I’ve never seen a bride huddled with her girls stressing over whether or not the groom is the right one. I’ve never seen the groom with his boys wistfully looking over the women in the room and wishing one of them was in the white dress instead of his bride. But I sure have heard a lot of people saying they married the wrong person a year or two or ten down the road. This is supposed to make everything better. It is a magic formula pronounced over a struggling marriage. It absolves the speaker of guilt. It is the equivalent of saying “I’m not really broken. I’m marriageable. I can do marriage. I just needed the right partner and this one isn’t it.” This seems to overlook at least one crucial fact: even if you did get the wrong partner for marriage, it was you who chose them – it was your judgment call. What makes you think your judgment is good enough to go out and find the right partner? And, more immediately, if you have such poor judgment about one of the most critical decisions of life, what makes you think you are qualified to judge the true state of your marriage? No matter how bad the marriage looks at the moment (and no marriage looks good all the time), it is wise to remember that your discernment got you here, and the worse the marriage looks, the less you should trust your own ability to see it clearly. You got fooled. Maybe you should take time to figure out how that happened.

    Ask yourself if it is possible that the problem is not who you married, but that you don’t understand what marriage is. What if marriage doesn’t create your problems but reveals them. What if the purpose of marriage is to create a situation where the real fatal flaws in us are exposed so the opportunity exists to get them repaired?

    I Married the Wrong Person, Now What?
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  2. Spurffelbow833
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    Spurffelbow833 Premium Member

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    This makes a lot of sense, if you really and truly hate yourself and are seeking to make your life a hell on earth before shuffling off to the eternal version.
  3. gatorplank
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    gatorplank Well-Known Member

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    Who hates himself more: the person who brings to light his own problems and deals with them or the person who sweeps his own problems under the rug and never deals with them?

    I am inclined to believe that the person who does himself the disservice of lying to nobody but himself about his own problems hates himself more than the person who is honest with himself about the problems that lie within.
  4. Spurffelbow833
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    Spurffelbow833 Premium Member

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    So if you marry someone who is toxically bad for you, you're just supposed to keep looking till you find the reason it's all your fault and stay with them no matter what? Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookay.
  5. icequeen
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    icequeen Well-Known Member

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    Well, first you should have longer engagement periods. All these folks that date and marry within a year - not enough time to know someone.

    Second, all those "cute" traits you find endearing? 10, 20 years down the road they will annoy the heck out of you. So keep that in mind.

    Third, no marriage is perfect, there is no such thing as happily ever after, your perfect woman will gain weight and eventually get wrinkles, Prince Charming will lose his hair, snores and drools in his sleep, and children for the most part reach a stage where they very well could be the little Spawns of Satan just as often as they're little angels.

    Once you come to terms with THAT, then suck it up. If you marry, you make a commitment. IF THERE'S NO ABUSE, put your big girl panties on and just keep going. For the man, nut up and move along. If you keep calling it quits, that's all your kids will learn is how to call it quits.

    No one said marriage was fun. Heck in the old days, love wasn't even a requirement for marriage - usually it was a "sound match". My grandparents were an arranged marriage and the love grew afterwards. People just get it into their heads to have this so-called perfect life. No such thing.

    My 2 cents anyways....almost 17 years here, but been together close to 20. :)
  6. rpmGator
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    rpmGator Well-Known Member

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    A man has to think hard about decisions you only make a few times in your life
  7. brainstorm
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    brainstorm VIP Member

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    Most have no idea about being married to someone and what it means in real life. I would favor a class or even a long video that makes it very clear. Some facts and stats would be good to have such as divorce rate, lifetime costs to raise a child and other things that they probably haven't even considered that are life altering and will impact their relationship. Falling in love is emotional, not rational. Yet the decisions being made require the facts and genuine understanding up front before you sign perhaps the biggest business contract of your life.

    Of course you bring the real you into the marriage not the slicked up version from dating.

    Some live together for a while before tying the noose and knot around their neck. Sort of a trial marriage but easy to baxk out of if it isn't working

    Then their is the CF that is divorce. There definitely needs to be a class on that prior to marriage. Getting married is easy. Getting divorced is hard and expensive. And makes divorce attornies rich.
  8. rpmGator
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    rpmGator Well-Known Member

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    A man has to think hard about decisions you only make a few times in your life
  9. rivergator
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    rivergator Well-Known Member

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    how quickly and easily you leave a marriage depends on whether there are children or not.
  10. Dreamliner
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    Dreamliner Well-Known Member

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    Every man here has been married. Multiple times. According to the Bible, sex is a marital act.
  11. mocgator
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    mocgator Well-Known Member

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    Just wear your ring on the wrong finger..
  12. rpmGator
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    rpmGator Well-Known Member

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    In Russia, the left hand is the wrong hand to wear the wedding ring. Had a ring on the right and was asked if I was married. Then questioned why that side and on the fly just said it was closer to the heart.

    Not knowing that was the right answer, and yes she fell for it.
  13. Spurffelbow833
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    Spurffelbow833 Premium Member

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    :sick:
  14. Bushmaster
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    Bushmaster Well-Known Member

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    Marriage is hard work. It works better when your goal is not 50/50, but where two people's priorities are to make the other one happy.

    Yes, you all know that couple. So disgustingly wrapped around the other's finger it makes you nauseous.
  15. corpgator
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    corpgator Well-Known Member

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    Haha, that's what everyone says about my wife and I. We have fights, but we get over it quickly. She has a temper; I'm even keeled. We share everything right down to our toothbrushes. That really grosses some people out.

    We're coming up on 5 years and still going strong. I think it helps to not have kids. Couples that rush in and then have kids right away usually have a bad time of it.
  16. shelbygt350
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    shelbygt350 Well-Known Member

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    People get married for the wrong reasons.

    They "feel" some kind of thing for this person, then marry. But they can get the same "feeling" with thousands of other people. It is not a unique "feeling" to that one person.

    People think that this "feeling" indicates that that person is the "right" person for them. Unfortunately, they need to make themselves right first.

    Andy Stanley said something like this: Are you the person who is the person that the one you hope to marry wants? (sorry I dont recall exact quote).

    TV, media, etc portray love as sex, but it is not. Look up love in Bible.
  17. g8trdoc
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    g8trdoc Premium Member

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    Marriage is no 50/50 proposition. If you in thinking that way it's a zero. I got married for life and that's what I'll give her.
  18. rpmGator
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    rpmGator Well-Known Member

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    Divorce subtracts 50% as well.
  19. brainstorm
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    brainstorm VIP Member

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    You should get your divorce done up front, prior to getting married.

    Kids do complicate things. I agree - wait a while and give your married relationship some time to grow and strengthen. From my own experience, the wife wants kids pretty soon after the "I do". I wanted to wait about 7-8 years before considering children. We would have grown up some, gotten closer and saved enough money. But, she wore me down and we had children two years after we married.
  20. brainstorm
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    brainstorm VIP Member

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    It may be a marital act but it doesn't make you married.

    BTW - good to have you back and posting again.

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