Court Reporters...

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by ArtVandelay, Aug 22, 2013.

  1. ArtVandelay
    Offline

    ArtVandelay Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2011
    Messages:
    3,065
    Likes Received:
    83
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    South Florida
    Ratings Received:
    +172 / 20 / -5
    I'm sure many have seen this before, but if you haven't, it's funny...

    How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________
    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    • Like Like x 3
  2. G8rChuck85
    Offline

    G8rChuck85 Moderator VIP Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2007
    Messages:
    11,472
    Likes Received:
    1,678
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Ratings Received:
    +1,707 / 2 / -0
    Haven't seen those in a while..still makes me LOL
    • Like Like x 2
  3. sappanama
    Offline

    sappanama VIP Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2007
    Messages:
    3,506
    Likes Received:
    58
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Ratings Received:
    +103 / 7 / -4
    those are funny, thanks for posting
    • Like Like x 3
  4. gatorjjh
    Offline

    gatorjjh BS Jm, UF Class of '69 Premium Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2007
    Messages:
    29,851
    Likes Received:
    7,667
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Irvine, Fl
    Ratings Received:
    +8,444 / 11 / -4
    well worth re-reading :laugh:
    • Like Like x 1
  5. igabradley
    Offline

    igabradley Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2007
    Messages:
    5,787
    Likes Received:
    243
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Chattahoochee
    Ratings Received:
    +294 / 1 / -0
    no doubt...whose death terminated your marriage?
    • Like Like x 4
  6. gatordavisl
    Offline

    gatordavisl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2007
    Messages:
    10,416
    Likes Received:
    293
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Ratings Received:
    +823 / 33 / -2
    One of the best laughs I've experienced in a while. Rep!
    • Like Like x 3
  7. dadx4
    Offline

    dadx4 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2007
    Messages:
    27,670
    Likes Received:
    358
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Greenville SC
    Ratings Received:
    +498 / 8 / -2
    Those are great!
    • Like Like x 3

Share This Page