"All I want for Christmas is ............"

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by RayGator, Dec 11, 2013.

  1. kurt_borglum
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    Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

    Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

    Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
    When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
    Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
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  2. kurt_borglum
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    Go Home First


    Today at school, the children had their Christmas Party. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher
    decides to have an early dismissal.

    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."


    Johnny is even madder than before.

    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

    Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these Bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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  3. kurt_borglum
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    SANTA’S GIFT


    Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

    She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

    Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

    The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable."

    Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

    Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

    Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
  4. kurt_borglum
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    Mental Disorder Xmas Carols


    Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

    Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

    Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

    Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

    Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
    Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

    Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

    Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

    Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

    Agoraphobia: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

    Senile Dementia: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe

    Oppositional Defiant Disorder: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

    Social Anxiety Disorder: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
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  5. kurt_borglum
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    XMAS JOKES


    1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

    2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

    3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

    4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

    6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

    7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

    8. Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...

    9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

    10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

    11. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

    12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

    13. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

    WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

    1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

    2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

    3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

    4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

    5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

    6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

    7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

    8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

    9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


    10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

    • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
    • 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
    • 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
    • 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
    • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
    • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
    • 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
    • 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
    • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
    • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
    Tragedy begets comedy

    Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

    The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

    The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

    The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

    Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

    The third man answered "They're Carol's."

    10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

    • 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
    • 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
    • 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
    • 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
    • 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
    • 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
    • 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
    • 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
    • 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
    • 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

    The Top 15 Reindeer Games

    • 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
    • 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
    • 13> Spin the Salt Lick
    • 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
    • 11> Moose or Dare
    • 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
    • 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
    • 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
    • 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
    • 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
    • 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
    • 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
    • 3> Elf Tossing
    • 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

      and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
    • 1> The "Rudolph the S#&tfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

    SANTA'S PICK UP LINES

    • I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
    • Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
    • Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
    • Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
    • I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
    • Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
    • Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
    • That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!
  6. kurt_borglum
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    JESUS IN THE BATHROOM


    A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

    Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
    The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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  7. kurt_borglum
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    New Tatoo

    This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a
    turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlor
    two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on
    her upper left thigh.

    Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.

    She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. RayGator
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    Q: What do Snowmen eat for breakfast?

    A: Snowflakes.
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  9. RayGator
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    Tuesday 12.17.13 USA Today Snapshots.

    Holiday Shopping for Me!
    Adults planning to "self-gift" buy gifts for themselves:


    26% Yes, when I see something I want.

    19% Yes, and I know what I want.


    32% No.

    23% Undecided.
  10. RayGator
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    Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh!?

    A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
  11. RayGator
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    "My Husband says he'll leave me if I don't stop Christmas shopping."

    "Lord, I'll miss that man!"
  12. mamag8ter
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  13. mamag8ter
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    I did it again, clicked he wrong thing.
    Kurt I was going to comment on your version of Night before Christmas. That is the raunchiest one I ever read. I had to laugh though.
  14. gregthegator
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    well all I want for Christmas would be to wake up and see a pair of empty RED boots and an empty 6pak of Hornsby's Hard Apple cider beside them in the doorway...AND
  15. RayGator
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    Monday 12.23.13 USA Today Snapshots

    Do You Have A Fixed Budget For Christmas Shooping?

    12% NO. I buy whatever.

    33% YES. Strict budget.

    55% YES. Loose idea. ..
  16. Sylez_G_Koolaid
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    All I want for Christmas is a lap dance with two strippers at the same time, nomsayin'?
  17. RayGator
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    USA Today Snapshots

    What Christmas Shoppers Look For:

    71% Free Shipping.

    47% Free Returns.

    44% Price Matching.

    36% Extended Hours.

    35% Order Online And Pick-Up Instore.
  18. RayGator
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    Monday 12.23.13 USA Today Snapshots.

    Preferred Method Of Conveying Christmas Greetings.

    46% Phone Calls.

    19% Text Messages.

    18% Facebook.

    8% Postal Mail.

    7% E-mail.

    1% Twitter, Instagram or Snapshot.
  19. RayGator
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    Saw this info posted in the Publix Stores in my area a few days ago. Probably the same for all their stores everywhere.

    >> Publix wishes you a very Merry Christmas. Your neighborhood Publix will be open until 10 p.m. Dec. 19-23, will close at 7 p.m. Christmas Eve, will be closed on Christmas Day, and will be open regular hours December 26. <<.

    God bless Publix and all their wonderful employees! And Merry Christmas to them as they have Christmas Day off to be with their families and friends!
  20. RayGator
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    USA Today Snapshots

    Preferred Method Of Conveying Christmas Greetings.

    46% Phone Calls.

    19% Text Messages.

    18% Facebook.

    8% Postal Mail.

    7% E-mail.

    1% Twitter, Instagram or Snapshot.

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