A new blonde joke

Discussion in 'The GatorTail Pub' started by kurt_borglum, Jul 19, 2014.

  1. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    New to me anyway:

    A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.... I can splash it on my eyes!
    • Funny Funny x 3
  2. rock8591
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    rock8591 Well-Known Member

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    Bah. I got the best blonde jokes you troll. :D

    One day, a blonde girl came home from school and says "mommy, mommy...everybody says I gots the biggest chest and butt in my 1st grade class. Is it because I'm blonde?"

    "No my dear, it's because you're 17."
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Rock, never throw down the gauntlet with me on jokes

    A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.


    She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays. My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."


    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
    • Funny Funny x 2
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  4. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


    It says, "Hair Spray -Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*
  6. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

    Officer: What's 2 + 2?

    Blonde: Ummm... 4!

    Officer: What's the square root of 100?

    Blonde: Ummm... 10!

    Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

    Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

    Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

    The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

    The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    This, by the way, is the best Blonde joke ever:

    A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

    The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?"

    The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging the hole, the other girl filling it in again.


    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in your work, but I don't get it? Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"


    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
    • Winner Winner x 1
  9. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. kurt_borglum
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    A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS

    UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER

    TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS

    AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.


    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT

    AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS

    THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE

    SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE

    WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T

    LISTEN TO REASON.


    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M

    MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,

    "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE

    SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


    I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    Give up?
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. rock8591
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    A blonde driver/motorist gets pulled over by a cop, who also happens to be blonde.

    The driver asks "what does my drivers license look like?"

    The cop says "you fool, it has your picture on it!"

    The driver pulls out a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

    The blonde cop says "if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over to begin with."
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. mamag8ter
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    All hilarious thanks for jump starting my morning you guys. I would not challenge either one of you.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. kurt_borglum
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    kurt_borglum VIP Member

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    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.


    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.


    There are two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

    2. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
    • Funny Funny x 1

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