Advice from parents with teenage daughters

[StrangeGator]

Daughter just came home from her first semester at college requesting a visit to the gynecologist so she could get birth control pills because "it helps clear up acne." I have no problem with this. Her acne isn't nearly as bad as her brothers, but she's a pretty girl who is very conscious of her looks. There is also the possibility that she needs the pills for their intended, on-label use. I have no problem with that either, but she should be more candid with her mother about that. Whether she's being straight with us or not, should we insist that she go to a dermatologist, or do we allow her to continue with this possible charade so she can have that very important private talk with her gynecologist? If she is sexually active, she's not going to get very helpful advice from a dermatologist, even if he is willing to write a prescription for off-label use of BC pills.

FWIW, she is probably not very experienced and was a late bloomer. Didn't get her period until almost 14 (the day of her Bat Mitzvah no less). She had her first date last year, and to my knowledge that was her only date through high school. She has been hanging out at frat houses, so it's not out of the question. I'm okay with it, I just wish she could be more open with her mom. I'm staying on the sidelines on this one. She does not want me to know about this, even it really is about acne.

[G8RNTN]

Not sure how to help this case. But I think I would talk with the wife and let her explain a little more about birth control, because I think they say when u take it and miss it or come off of it, that's when your the most fertile and likely to get pregnant. So IF she is sexually active this may help with that. Good luck.... My daughter is 10 so my days are just around the corner.

[GatorAbe7]

Originally Posted by StrangeGator

Daughter just came home from her first semester at college requesting a visit to the gynecologist so she could get birth control pills because "it helps clear up acne." I have no problem with this. Her acne isn't nearly as bad as her brothers, but she's a pretty girl who is very conscious of her looks. There is also the possibility that she needs the pills for their intended, on-label use. I have no problem with that either, but she should be more candid with her mother about that. Whether she's being straight with us or not, should we insist that she go to a dermatologist, or do we allow her to continue with this possible charade so she can have that very important private talk with her gynecologist? If she is sexually active, she's not going to get very helpful advice from a dermatologist, even if he is willing to write a prescription for off-label use of BC pills.

FWIW, she is probably not very experienced and was a late bloomer. Didn't get her period until almost 14 (the day of her Bat Mitzvah no less). She had her first date last year, and to my knowledge that was her only date through high school. She has been hanging out at frat houses, so it's not out of the question. I'm okay with it, I just wish she could be more open with her mom. I'm staying on the sidelines on this one. She does not want me to know about this, even it really is about acne.

I already see this thread having the same fate as the porn thread.

First off, if she wants birth control to clear up acne, why don't you get her acne medication. Why do you really think she needs birth control? Birth control for acne is the female equivalent of guys liking hooters for their wings or Playboy for the articles .

To be honest I am surprised you as her father are cool with her using the pills for their intended use. Even Father's of sexually active daughters I know at least point up a fatherly/manly front that they don't want their little girls sleeping with someone, much less a frat house full of unaccountable dudes. And when the daughters defiantly or unwittingly become sexually active it's out of the father's hands anyway and they go about ignoring the issue.

At this point I say make her come clean abut what's blatantly obvious or the joke is entirely on you.

[Jupgator]

My wife and I raised 2 daughters (both attended UF). Fortunately they weren't sexually active in HS, although one may have a couple times as a senior), but were in college. My advise is for mom to have that talk, and if she isn't up to it, do it yourself. Of course it is about being smart about the sex. Good luck.

[GatorAbe7]

When you guys vaguely say "have that talk" or "talk about sex" as if it's only a casual talk, what do you guys actually talk about?

My talk goes like this: "You are too young for sex. Thus, I won't have you on any birth control. If a pregnancy results we (your parents) and you will work with a family attorney to grant joint custody of the child to us. This is because you don't have the financial means to raise a child and we will heavily contribute to parenting or completely take over as necessary."

edit: See GatorSaint's post below for a more polite way to go about this.

[LeafUF]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

When you guys vaguely say "have that talk" or "talk about sex" as if it's only a casual talk, what do you guys actually talk about?

My talk goes like this: "You are too young for sex. Thus, I won't have you on any birth control. If a pregnancy results we (your parents) and you will work with a family attorney to grant joint custody of the child to us. This is because you don't have the financial means to raise a child and we will heavily contribute to parenting or completely take over as necessary."

Is this what you tell your adult daughter who no longer lives under your roof while she is away at college? If so, when are you not too young for sex?

[GatorAbe7]

Originally Posted by LeafUF

Is this what you tell your adult daughter who no longer lives under your roof while she is away at college? If so, when are you not too young for sex?

Paying her school bills grants the parent input into their life. And furthermore, her having the choice to come back under the parents roof, also grants more input, mostly when she is under the roof. If her behavior results in a pregnancy I sure as hell step in with more input. You tell me if a 19/18 year old without a salary job, or the time for a salary job has the means to raise an infant.

As maturity takes place later and later in life, it's unfortunate that our hormones don't follow along.

[LAGatorDoc]

As a dermatologist, I can attest many girls and women with hormonal acne do respond very well to birth control pills (we call them OCPs or oral contraceptive pills). If her acne is cyclical (worse with or just before her menstraul cycle), then OCPs are the best treatment for acne. Hormonal acne in women is one of the most difficult to treat. Accutane which is the most permanent treatment for severe or scarring acne can clear it for a year or two or 5 but it always comes back eventually. What I tend to do is give a topical treatment for the morning and for the night, tell the teenager/woman to see their gyno to get an OCP that can control acne (ortho tricycline/or ortho tricyclin lo or Yaz or Yazmin- derms don't prescribe it because they need a full gyno exam to make sure they are healthy). Also they need to go over the risks of the OCP with them and assess their risk factors for blood clots, etc.

If that doesn't control it in 3-4 months, we add an antibiotic, but the goal is to get them clear, then wean off all meds (antibiotics, topicals), and just keep them clear with OCP. Some women need the added medication spironolactone (a diuretic that blocks testosterone) if they have breakthrough testosterone even with the OCP. Can't get pregnant on spironolactone because it can cause male fetuses hermaphrodites because it would block their testosterone. Drosperinone is similar to spironolactone and it is actually a component of Yaz and Yazmin, but in some women, still not enough of a testosterone blocker to control their acne.

My caveat is, I am not giving your daughter medical advice, and I am not recommending this for your daughter. I am just attesting to the role of hormones in acne, especially in women, and the role of OCPs as a valid acne treatment in those whose hormones play a role. I see many 30-40 yr old women with acne that is worsening because their estrogens decreasing and progesterone and testosterone is increasing, and it is obviously a common problem in teenagers and early 20yr old women.

Since she is in college, she can pick up an OCP at her student health center for $10 or less. The fact that she is telling you means that she is a good girl. It has the added benefit of not ending her college career early due to pregnancy, just in case. Even good girls can make mistakes, especially in college (that's what college is for).

Hope this helps.

[lurkingator1]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

I already see this thread having the same fate as the porn thread.

First off, if she wants birth control to clear up acne, why don't you get her acne medication. Why do you really think she needs birth control? Birth control for acne is the female equivalent of guys liking hooters for their wings or Playboy for the articles .

To be honest I am surprised you as her father are cool with her using the pills for their intended use. Even Father's of sexually active daughters I know at least point up a fatherly/manly front that they don't want their little girls sleeping with someone, much less a frat house full of unaccountable dudes. And when the daughters defiantly or unwittingly become sexually active it's out of the father's hands anyway and they go about ignoring the issue.

At this point I say make her come clean abut what's blatantly obvious or the joke is entirely on you.

after this responce nothing else really needs to be added!

[LeafUF]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

Paying her school bills grants the parent input into their life. And furthermore, her having the choice to come back under the parents roof, also grants more input, mostly when she is under the roof. If her behavior results in a pregnancy I sure as hell step in with more input. You tell me if a 19/18 year old without a salary job, or the time for a salary job has the means to raise an infant.

As maturity takes place later and later in life, it's unfortunate that our hormones don't follow along.

I dont have kids so I have no idea how I would handle the situation I just think its extremely difficult for a parent to dictate what their child does in their daily life while they are living on their own in college. Yes you deserve input into their lives, however, I happen to fall in line with Strange in that I think it would be better to let her start taking birth control after talking to her doctor and her mother about it. By just saying you aren't old enough to have sex you really are not providing any helpful or responsible information about it should she not take your advice. You are basically saying dont do it and if you dont listen your punishment is getting pregnant and having a baby that we will raise for you because you shouldnt be having sex or getting pregnant in the first place.

[GatorSaint]

What your hormones tell you and what your head tells you are two different things when you are a teenager.

The dilemna is that parents don't want to encourage sexual activity by handing kids who "aren't ready for sex" (which is joke, obviously their biology is telling them something different) birth control.

On the other hand, hoping that "young adults" are not going to screw it up (no pun intended) and leave mom and dad on the hook for taking care of an unplanned pregnancy, is a crap shoot.

If the solution is as easy as telling them you will just take their child from them, then good luck with that.

Reality has hit me in the face like a glass of cold water as my 15 yr. old daughter started dating recently....

My wife and I agreed that she could date, but it either is at my house where I am in control (because his parents won't be the one taking care of an unplanned pregnancy and therefore I will not leave it up to them as they already have a daughter who did just that) or in public where we provide the transportation to and from.

We sat down with her and the boy who likes her and discussed the terms with them and indicated they are non-negotiable. This is to both lay everything out ahead of time and also to let him know that he won't be getting her alone anytime soon if ever unless they try something at school. (He has no car currently and doesn't live close). The thought is that if he is just around for sex, he will look elsewhere for a girl whose parents don't care as much. (He sheepishly indicated that the parents of other girls he had dated had never done such a thing.)

However this is not a good solution for the long term, so we both have accepted after speaking with our daughter that if she can't come to mom and ASK for birth control before having sex, its on her.

Good parenting means laying out expectations and the consequences if they are not met. Responsibility does not mean no sex before marriage (good luck with that if that's your solution!), but rather responsible sex.

The problem is that expecting two teenagers whose bodies are doused in hormones telling them to procreate 24/7 to not have sex is about impossible.

Its just not realistic, practical, or smart. The consequences for a young, unwed mother, her parents, and society in general are tremendous in this day and age.

We'd rather she did the responsible thing and ask for birth control when she feels she is ready. If we took that responsibility away from her, we are just creating adults who can't handle being responsible - and who will eventually fail accepting responsibility somewhere else down the line in possibly a more serious situation where others, outside their family, are impacted.

[hgators]

My duaghter's a senior in HS and I just want to cry...

[Jupgator]

Good advice in this thread. GatorSaint said it very very well. Your daughter may say its her life, but not true. A pregnancy will not only negatively impact her life and possibly prevent her from her dreams, but could greatly negatively impact the parents, and the kid.

[swampbabe]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

Paying her school bills grants the parent input into their life. And furthermore, her having the choice to come back under the parents roof, also grants more input, mostly when she is under the roof. If her behavior results in a pregnancy I sure as hell step in with more input. You tell me if a 19/18 year old without a salary job, or the time for a salary job has the means to raise an infant.

As maturity takes place later and later in life, it's unfortunate that our hormones don't follow along.

No offense, but this post is pretty clueless on many levels. As the parent of two daughters, one just graduated from UF and another there as a freshman, be honest and upfront is the BEST policy. Putting your head in the sand and saying "don't do it" is a recipe for disaster. My oldest daughter was prescribed birth control pills as a 16 year old for hormonal issues and acne. She was also a bit of a late bloomer and I can say that I have never really worried about her being sexually active but all it takes is ONE bad decision and your life becomes a nightmare. My younger daughter does not take them (that I know of) even though she was prescribed them for the same reason as her sister (periods only once every 6 months).

To sum up, better safe than sorry and yes, sometimes birth control pills are used for other reasons.

[GatoRella]

"If" she is sexually active........lmao

[G8trGr8t]

Let her get the pill but also provide her a box of condoms and explain that although a prregnancy would be bad at this point a incurable STD brings a lifetime of bad situations with absolutely zero upside.

My girls are 14 and 13 and the youngest skipped a grade so will be starting college at 17 and 2 months. Hopefully the relationship I have fostered with them through the years have given them a sense of self worth that will cause them to be very picky wrt quality of guys they date. If not there is always a few big bull sharks that i can chum up when I take the bf offshore

[ursidman]

Originally Posted by swampbabe

No offense, but this post is pretty clueless on many levels.

To sum up, better safe than sorry and yes, sometimes birth control pills are used for other reasons.

Would REP if I could.

also no offense intended but this is very good and practical advice. She may resist and not do what her daddy told her not to do 99 times in a row but that 1 time is all it takes to place a life-long burden on her. also, with all due respect, once she starts having sex, she is not likely to quit. To paraphrase from the gun control thread: Better to have it (be taking BC) and not need it than to need it and not have it.

So very relieved to have gotten mine to adulthood without surprise grandkids...... although now I am VERY ready.

[tegator80]

I can only give you my advice (my daughter is now 21). You should feel good about any child (daughters especially) who wants to talk to you about something "adult." Anything you say or do that diminishes this is a step in the wrong direction. Regardless of the motivation, listen intently and assist them in making good decisions. The hardest thing for parents is understanding that their kids aren't dependent on them anymore. I always say to them to think about your past and your early decisions. You survived, and are better educated, than if you just did what your parents demanded of you. Things aren't really that much different, just that we know about the bogyman more.

But I would also add this caveat: child raising is a long-term proposition based on a LOT of love and not a "wait until they get older" exercise. If you give them chances to make decisions along the way (obviously small/simple ones but not in their own minds) then they will be better prepared to tackle more complex ones later. I am saddened when I read an article about some freshman who is hurt or killed because they got away from their parents for the first time and did not really perceive all of the dynamics out in the world. Not to say that all scenarios can be prepared for but at least a semblance of what a better idea looks like over a really stupid one. JMHO

[StrangeGator]

Originally Posted by LAGatorDoc

My caveat is, I am not giving your daughter medical advice, and I am not recommending this for your daughter. I am just attesting to the role of hormones in acne, especially in women, and the role of OCPs as a valid acne treatment in those whose hormones play a role.

This is primarily the advice I was looking for. Didn't expect to get an expert medical opinion.

[StrangeGator]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

When you guys vaguely say "have that talk" or "talk about sex" as if it's only a casual talk, what do you guys actually talk about?

My talk goes like this: "You are too young for sex. Thus, I won't have you on any birth control. If a pregnancy results we (your parents) and you will work with a family attorney to grant joint custody of the child to us. This is because you don't have the financial means to raise a child and we will heavily contribute to parenting or completely take over as necessary."

edit: See GatorSaint's post below for a more polite way to go about this.

When she was young, we had the first talk with her and her twin brother. Any subsequent talk was fairly hypothetical. At the time she began having her periods, it became very clear that she didn't want to talk to me about any of that kind of thing. She's not completely comfortable talking with her mother. It really hasn't been an urgent matter. We were baffled that she dated so little. She's absolutely stunning and has been approached by photographers and agents. She's also just shy of six feet tall and hung out with 10 or 12 other girls of similar stature, all honor students, athletes, and/or musicians. In other words, the girls the horny guys didn't waste their time with. She did party a bit, but only with her girl posse. They didn't trust guys enough to drink with them.

Is 19 really too young for sex? She's very mature and independent. If she's asking about birth control pills, why would I be concerned about her getting pregnant? Seems like the responsible thing to do. She has a work study job, gets tens of thousands of dollars a year in scholarships, grants and loans, so she has quite a bit of financial responsibility. Even if she didn't, what am I supposed to do to stop her? She's over a thousand miles away.