The Scourge of Porn

[GatorAbe7]

Originally Posted by oldgator

There are a lot of people who get married without getting to know their future spouse. As a result a lot find out they didn't get who they expected to get.
---be it porn
---alcohol/drugs
---professional work goals
---preference in climate
---preference on where to live in regard to city, suburbia, or rural
---sports
---shopping
---sexual preferences
---in-laws
---number of children to have
---etc, etc, etc

And they absolutely have themselves to blame for not searching out whether their potential spouse has any of these problems. I'll pick on the "number of children" to have since I've had two male friends come to me with "but I didn't know she didn't want kids" story. Isn't the whole point of dating/courtship/engagement to find this stuff out?!?!? Another subject I'm surprised a lot of engaged couples don't even approach is money. My goodness, find out what expenses purchases you'll need over the course of marriage - housing (most important), daycare, cars, etc - and find out where you differ BEFORE you get married. Does he want to stay in the city while she wants the suburbs? Whoever brought up "Christian Counseling" should look into it more. Marriages that occur through the church are often given a disservice in regards to pre-marital counseling which focuses too abstractly on the inner feelings of marriage rather than the practicalities as listed very well above.

[secgator]

Originally Posted by bakaduin

You don't know why people enjoy porn? Because looking at nothing while you jerk it isn't nearly as efficient.

Hmmm....a completely new way to look at this issue. I like someone who thinks of productivity, efficiency, and output---turns porn into a true manufacturing process.

Reps for this!

[gator10010]

Originally Posted by oldgator

just glad my wife enjoys porn as much as I do.

There are a lot of people who get married without getting to know their future spouse. As a result a lot find out they didn't get who they expected to get.
---be it porn
---alcohol/drugs
---professional work goals
---preference in climate
---preference on where to live in regard to city, suburbia, or rural
---sports
---shopping
---sexual preferences
---in-laws
---number of children to have
---etc, etc, etc

You are right about this. Sometimes people tend to over look things important to them while dating, thinking that people will change or they assume that because they want things a certain way so does their partner, anyone that has been married knows this couldn't be further from the truth.

I believe that a healthy sex life is the biggest driving factor in a relationship. Not an ok sex life. If you can't tell your partner your wants and needs in the bedroom, you have a problem...and at some point in time it will lead to other problems.

[gator10010]

Originally Posted by northgagator

My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her.

That is terrible and I applaud your efforts. You are a good man.

Maybe you should invite your wife to be with you during these "activities ". She may not be able to perform but maybe she will at least feel like she is still a part of that portion of your life.

I mean if she already knows your doing it, why not?

[oldgator]

"My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her."

kudos in living the vow. And despite all the hardships for both of you my guess is that you both find great joy in being with each other

Two friends I had for years had something similar occur
He was a minister and married to a wonderful lady. She suffered two subdural hematomas a number of months apart that left her paralyzed to some extent in all four extremities(wheelchair bound), tracheostomy, etc. For a number of years I joined him in taking her out of the nursing home to go to church, shopping, concerts, etc(being an RN I was able to do emergency trach care when required). After a number of years he came to me and said that he still loves his wife and that both his wife as well as many of his church members let him know that they'd be ok with it if he got a divorce and moved on. He asked me for my advice and I could only offer him this.
'You already know the answer deep inside, and you want to let myself and others over-ride what your conscience is telling you. I'm not letting you off the hook. "
He remained faithful to her to the end(she finally passed away in a Hospice. After a number of months after that he met a woman at a church conference he never met before and they eventually got married and moved up north. To this day he constantly thanks me for telling him to trust his conscience. His two daughters by his first wife(who had passed away) are on terrific terms with their step mom. Had he gotten a divorce the familial relationship today would likely be very strained if not ugly

Too often we go with what pals, etc tells us to do that is contrary to our own conscience and we pay a terrible price when we do that.

[ovillegator]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

And they absolutely have themselves to blame for not searching out whether their potential spouse has any of these problems. I'll pick on the "number of children" to have since I've had two male friends come to me with "but I didn't know she didn't want kids" story. Isn't the whole point of dating/courtship/engagement to find this stuff out?!?!? Another subject I'm surprised a lot of engaged couples don't even approach is money. My goodness, find out what expenses purchases you'll need over the course of marriage - housing (most important), daycare, cars, etc - and find out where you differ BEFORE you get married. Does he want to stay in the city while she wants the suburbs? Whoever brought up "Christian Counseling" should look into it more. Marriages that occur through the church are often given a disservice in regards to pre-marital counseling which focuses too abstractly on the inner feelings of marriage rather than the practicalities as listed very well above.

Have you been through Christian counseling? Because actually, Christian counseling is very current in it's practices, and does work to get couples to get answers to all of those things you bring up. Historically, most people have married through the church without going through pre-marriage counseling.

[romeg8r]

Hey, divorce happens. Half of all marriages end if divorce. The other half end in death. Face it folks, marriage does not end well.

[GatorAbe7]

Originally Posted by ovillegator

Have you been through Christian counseling? Because actually, Christian counseling is very current in it's practices, and does work to get couples to get answers to all of those things you bring up. Historically, most people have married through the church without going through pre-marriage counseling.

I am referring to pre-martial counseling offered by many churches as part of marrying within the church, not marriage crisis counseling, which I don't have an opinion of. From what I've seen, pre-marital counseling does not deal with practicalities nearly as much as it should.

[northgagator]

Originally Posted by gator10010

That is terrible and I applaud your efforts. You are a good man.

Thanks but I have more than my share of faults.
I was raised to stand by your word and to never to play the martyr when doing so. Life is too short to wallow in self pity. Self pity can distract you thus causing you to miss opportunities for true happiness.

Originally Posted by gator10010

Maybe you should invite your wife to be with you during these "activities ". She may not be able to perform but maybe she will at least feel like she is still a part of that portion of your life.

I mean if she already knows your doing it, why not?

We tried that but it makes her feel too bad to see that she can not be a woman in that sense. Also, I am not going to put her through a uncomfortable situation. This arrangement works for us and in some sort of weird way we are closer. However, if had wishes it would be a cure for he disease.

Mt wife suffers from a rare condition called CRPS.

The key symptom of CRPS is continuous, intense pain out of proportion to the severity of the injury (if an injury has occurred), which gets worse rather than better over time. CRPS most often affects one of the extremities (arms, legs, hands, or feet) and is also often accompanied by:

"burning" pain
increased skin sensitivity
changes in skin temperature: warmer or cooler compared to the opposite extremity
changes in skin color: often blotchy, purple, pale, or red
changes in skin texture: shiny and thin, and sometimes excessively sweaty
changes in nail and hair growth patterns
swelling and stiffness in affected joints
motor disability, with decreased ability to move the affected body part
Often the pain spreads to include the entire arm or leg, even though the initiating injury might have been only to a finger or toe. Pain can sometimes even travel to the opposite extremity. It may be heightened by emotional stress.

The symptoms of CRPS vary in severity and length. Some experts believe there are three stages associated with CRPS, marked by progressive changes in the skin, muscles, joints, ligaments, and bones of the affected area, although this progression has not yet been validated by clinical research studies.

Stage one is thought to last from 1 to 3 months and is characterized by severe, burning pain, along with muscle spasm, joint stiffness, rapid hair growth, and alterations in the blood vessels that cause the skin to change color and temperature.

Stage two lasts from 3 to 6 months and is characterized by intensifying pain, swelling, decreased hair growth, cracked, brittle, grooved, or spotty nails, softened bones, stiff joints, and weak muscle tone.

In stage three the syndrome progresses to the point where changes in the skin and bone are no longer reversible. Pain becomes unyielding and may involve the entire limb or affected area. There may be marked muscle loss (atrophy), severely limited mobility, and involuntary contractions of the muscles and tendons that flex the joints. Limbs may become contorted.

My wife is at Stage 3 but has not had the lost of muscle but it is painful as hell.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/r..._dystrophy.htm

Another link
http://www.rsds.org/2/what_is_rsd_crps/index.html

[ovillegator]

Originally Posted by GatorAbe7

I am referring to pre-martial counseling offered by many churches as part of marrying within the church, not marriage crisis counseling, which I don't have an opinion of. From what I've seen, pre-marital counseling does not deal with practicalities nearly as much as it should.

I see. I know in our church it's very thorough along the lines you discussed, but I certainly can't say on behalf of all churches. I'm sure most are getting better, though. The care programs for the indigent, homeless shelters, women's shelters, and community outreach programs at many churches have become better as well.

[FearNoSpear]

Originally Posted by LeafUF

I'm not sure I follow the reasoning here. So a husband watches porn and that wrecks a marriage yet a wife having an affair doesn't?

I don't know these people so I don't want to make assumptions or judgments on their relationship but it seems that there were other things going on here than just a husband watching porn.

My thoughts as well

[gator10010]

Originally Posted by northgagator

Thanks but I have more than my share of faults.
I was raised to stand by your word and to never to play the martyr when doing so. Life is too short to wallow in self pity. Self pity can distract you thus causing you to miss opportunities for true happiness.

We tried that but it makes her feel too bad to see that she can not be a woman in that sense. Also, I am not going to put her through a uncomfortable situation. This arrangement works for us and in some sort of weird way we are closer. However, if had wishes it would be a cure for he disease.

Mt wife suffers from a rare condition called CRPS.

My wife is at Stage 3 but has not had the lost of muscle but it is painful as hell.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/r..._dystrophy.htm

Another link
http://www.rsds.org/2/what_is_rsd_crps/index.html

That is some crazy stuff. I've never heard of that before.

It must be very difficult, i wish you the best as you work through this together with your wife.

[ovillegator]

Originally Posted by northgagator

Thanks but I have more than my share of faults.
I was raised to stand by your word and to never to play the martyr when doing so. Life is too short to wallow in self pity. Self pity can distract you thus causing you to miss opportunities for true happiness.


We tried that but it makes her feel too bad to see that she can not be a woman in that sense. Also, I am not going to put her through a uncomfortable situation. This arrangement works for us and in some sort of weird way we are closer. However, if had wishes it would be a cure for he disease.

Mt wife suffers from a rare condition called CRPS.


My wife is at Stage 3 but has not had the lost of muscle but it is painful as hell.
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/r..._dystrophy.htm

Another link
http://www.rsds.org/2/what_is_rsd_crps/index.html

I too have never heard of that. You and she are both heroes to me for battling through that together. God bless you both -- you are in our prayers.

[Gatormb]

Originally Posted by JimBobTheClown

Dude needs to divorce that crazy beach and move on. Take custody of the kid and maybe not look at so much prawns. Woman in this story is a pathetic cheating piece of garbage.

So he loves shrimp? Gotta love auto correct.

[Gatormb]

Originally Posted by oldgator

"My wife has a medical condition that makes sexual relations impossible.
I told her that our vows were for "in sickness and in health" and that I will not go into the arms of another woman.
This condition came unto her four years ago and I have not nor will I stray.
I do admit that I do take advantage of porn and self pleasuring to fill in a void and to release those manly urges. I keep this activity to my self and i do not let her know. Somethings are best left unsaid. She knows what I do but she does not say anything. I guess it is because I am still loyal to her."

kudos in living the vow. And despite all the hardships for both of you my guess is that you both find great joy in being with each other

Two friends I had for years had something similar occur
He was a minister and married to a wonderful lady. She suffered two subdural hematomas a number of months apart that left her paralyzed to some extent in all four extremities(wheelchair bound), tracheostomy, etc. For a number of years I joined him in taking her out of the nursing home to go to church, shopping, concerts, etc(being an RN I was able to do emergency trach care when required). After a number of years he came to me and said that he still loves his wife and that both his wife as well as many of his church members let him know that they'd be ok with it if he got a divorce and moved on. He asked me for my advice and I could only offer him this.
'You already know the answer deep inside, and you want to let myself and others over-ride what your conscience is telling you. I'm not letting you off the hook. "
He remained faithful to her to the end(she finally passed away in a Hospice. After a number of months after that he met a woman at a church conference he never met before and they eventually got married and moved up north. To this day he constantly thanks me for telling him to trust his conscience. His two daughters by his first wife(who had passed away) are on terrific terms with their step mom. Had he gotten a divorce the familial relationship today would likely be very strained if not ugly

Too often we go with what pals, etc tells us to do that is contrary to our own conscience and we pay a terrible price when we do that.

Old, that is tremendous advice. I'm going to put that arrow in my quiver. Rep to you sir!

[Gatormb]

North, God bless you brother. Ditto Brother Orville.

[gatorsfan530]

.

[AzCatFan]

Porn itself is not the problem. Porn addiction is. Just like alcohol itself is not evil, but alcoholism can be quite the demon. I'm not a big fan of porn, but will watch occasionally. Wife isn't into it at all, and we've been married for over 15 years. No issues in bed either. We also enjoy wine and beer, and will, on occasion, polish off a bottle of wine at dinner just the two of us. Not regularly, but once every few weeks. Usually ends in a fun night.

As for the couple at the start of the thread, not sure if their marriage is something that can be saved. Truth is, it started on shaky premises if the woman believed the man was going to change once they got married. I'll never understand why anyone, usually women, believe a few pieces of jewelry and a couple of signatures will have some magical effect on people. Truth is, marriage itself rarely, if ever, changes a person. The notion that it does is pure, romantic BS.

The biggest issue with the marriage, however, is the wife's infidelity. If she knew about his porn problem before the marriage, and didn't address it before they said, "I do," that's her fault. Running into the arms of another man, however, is never the answer. And now, what is there to save? A man with a porn addiction is married to an adulterer. It's a shame they have a child together.

[JimBobTheClown]

Originally Posted by Gatormb

So he loves shrimp? Gotta love auto correct.

Sadly, it was intentional.

[gatormoe1]

Define porn addiction? Like he would rather watch porn than have sex? Or he watches porn because she doesn't want sex. If this has been addressed just let me know because I haven't read the whole thread.