When I started this excuse of a blog in January I wrote some of what would appear might perhaps be things previously been posted in either Too Hot or The Pub, but all content would have been or would be added to my journal. I continue to journal but very little of my angst or my more intense reflections have been added to this, my personal little leased (courtesy of Solari and Growl) corner of the Web. I have held back on my more serious and sober thoughts, unwilling to share them for fear that some readers might view me as someone with elitist pretensions and quick to condemn certain corrosive aspects of the culture commonly shared among many who frequent Internet message boards. This is a misplaced prideful restraint on my part as I'm no better than anyone else posting on GC. I have failings and shortcomings as do others. As it is none of my business what other people think about me I need to get past my self-imposed restraint to 'bite my tongue', so to speak. If someone reading what I write feels targeted or offended please understand none of this is personal or intentionally designed to wound.

I've never been a particularly brave person. Juvenile confrontations in the past have left me literally shaking either from the fear of possible physical harm or from the stress and the passion of the face off. Retreat from such drama has heretofore seemed the better course of action. Or inaction. Participation in heated threads in Too Hot has freed me from much of that anxiety, fortifying me and helping to build a confidence within myself that enables me to state what I'm thinking without the silly fear "what will they think of me?!" Honest self expression is one the most genuine indicators of who we are as human beings. If we repress what we are thinking out of misplaced pride or fear that others will think less of us we damage our integrity and allow those others to dictate to us. Our growth will be stunted and those who dictate to us will own us. We will be less than free.

To a certain extent I have thrown off the shackles when posting in Too Hot but perplexingly have found I have been unable or unwilling to do so on this blog. Perhaps because it is not a forum I share with others but rather a locale upon which I am alone and make my stand exposed. An incoherent reasoning as the people who might happen across this blog are the same who could read anything of controversy or offense I have posted in Too Hot. I contemplate and explore these things in my mind as to understand what is motivating or hindering me sheds light into the shadow side of myself and fosters healthy growth.

When I started writing today I had intended to go a different direction but as things often do, what was intended and what was produced were not one in the same. Someone (can't at the moment recall who it was) once wrote he didn't write so much for other people as he wrote for himself. I'm wholly in agreement with this. When I began this blogging venture I second guessed myself a number of times, questioning my motivation for wanting to do it. In moments of absolute clarity I realized it was a somewhat narcissistic exercise of self expression as no one really could possibly care what I thought or had to say but something else deeper inside directed me to do it anyway. I had hoped for more feedback - even dialogue with someone who might care to comment or respond at length. That's not happened but then again I've not written anything truly controversial on this blog. Yet. I'll sit with this for a while then get back to my original thoughts when the dust I kicked up inside my head has had a chance to settle.