View Full Version : The Sumbitch
03-09-2013, 08:17 AM
Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
03-09-2013, 09:03 AM
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
03-09-2013, 09:30 AM
There is a new kid enrolled in elementary school and the kids ask him what his name is? He replies "Jesus Christ". The kids look at him funny and say no your name can't be Jesus Christ. There is only one Jesus Christ and he has risen from the dead. The new kid insists his name is Jesus Christ and that he will prove it to them after school.
After school all of the classmates follow the new kid to his house. He walks into the house with all the kids behind him. His father is in his chair reading the newspaper. His father drops the paper on the floor stands up and hollers "Jesus Christ, what are all these kids doing in here?"
03-09-2013, 10:37 AM
Lmao at all 3!! Good stuff.
03-09-2013, 10:49 AM
try this one:
At Sunday school the 5-6 year old's class listens intently to their preacher. The preacher then asks: who can tell me what the resurrection is?
There is a silence...then a 5 year old girl raises her hand and says " I can't tell you what it is...but, I do know, if it lasts longer than 4 hours, you have to call the doctor "
03-09-2013, 11:41 AM
03-10-2013, 05:37 PM
Hilarious, all of them, particularly the driving one.
03-10-2013, 06:55 PM
03-10-2013, 07:06 PM
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
03-10-2013, 07:37 PM
An elderly woman is walking down a desolate street when a mugger comes up to her with a gun and starts frisking her all over saying, "where's the money? Give me the money!!"
The elderly woman replied, "I don't have any money on me, but if you keep frisking me, I'll write you a check."
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