kurt_borglum
02-19-2013, 05:40 PM
JOKES FOR FEB 19
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"
The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew!"
He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.' Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"
The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish..'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?'\
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refused it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."
Wife - "Bullsh!t. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"
The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew!"
He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.' Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"
The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish..'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?'\
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refused it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."
Wife - "Bullsh!t. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"